Talk about a heavy-weight psychic

* NOTE: These jokes about my psychic healer are just that jokes! My actual healer is amazing and talented. He literally helped me save my life. Leave a message if you want details or information.


I went to a numerologist seeking an answer to an extremely important question – specifically, should I use Revlon Color Number 56 or Revlon Color Number 57?

I asked my psychic if I was going to make it big in Hollywood. He said my butt is already almost as large as Kim Kardashian’s.

When I first started working with a psychic healer, he told me his practice did not include cards – specifically my overdrawn Visa card.

My psychic also doesn’t depend on a crystal ball to light his way. He just flips a switch to illuminate his crystal chandelier.

My psychic healer is good. The first time we met, he saw me coming two blocks away. He said I was easy to see since I weighed 256 pounds and was wearing a bright red dress, oversized shoes and a clown nose.

Before I lost 110 pounds, I really was larger than life and Paris Hilton’s bank balance.

If you’re wondering how I lost more than 100 pounds in two years, I’ll tell you. After 23 months of complaining, I left my spouse.

I don’t know why I’m still working with my psychic. Thanks to Facebook, I already know what all of you had for dinner.

I plan to observe Easter with a bunch of chocolate bunnies and eggs. But you won’t catch me singing that “Easter Parade” song because Mom told me never to chew with my mouth full.

Just wondering – if a bee is allergic to honey, will he or she break out in hives?


PERFORMANCE SCHEDULE


SATURDAY, APRIL 19 – 2:30 PM (Standup)
Million Laughs Clean Comedy Show
Country Villa Bay Vista Assisted Living
Long Beach, CA
** Private Show
** If you would like to book the Million Laughs Clean Comedy Show for your next event or fund-raising activity, contact Yvonne and Will Morton: Will@MillionLaughs.com

TUESDAY, APRIL 22 – 9:30 PM (Theater)
“Metro Med” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23 – 9:30 PM (Theater)
“Angel Academy” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

SATURDAY, APRIL 26 – 7 PM (Theater)
“Midnight Cry” – written by David Wooten, directed by David Wooten and Betty Jewell Slater
Fox Theater
301 N. Garey
Pomona, CA
** Doors open at 6 pm
** For ticket information: www.quietfirepro.com

SUNDAY, APRIL 27 – (Film)
Shooting on location
Los Angeles, CA
** Closed set

TUESDAY, APRIL 29 – 9:30 PM (Theater)
“Metro Med” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 30 – 9:30 PM (Theater)
“Angel Academy” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

TUESDAY, MAY 6 – 9:30 PM (Theater)
“Metro Med” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

WEDNESDAY, MAY 7 – 9:30 PM (Theater)
“Angel Academy” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

 

SATURDAY, MAY 10 – 2 PM (Standup)
Million Laughs Clean Comedy Show
Veterans Hospital
Los Angeles, CA
** Private Show
** If you would like to book the Million Laughs Clean Comedy Show for your next event or fund-raising activity, contact Yvonne and Will Morton: Will@MillionLaughs.com

TUESDAY, MAY 13 – 9:30 PM (Theater)
"Metro Med” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

WEDNESDAY, MAY 14 – 8 PM (Theater)
“Angel Academy” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

TUESDAY, MAY 20 – 8 PM (Theater)
“Metro Med” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

WEDNESDAY, MAY 21 – 8 PM (Theater)
“Angel Academy” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

TUESDAY, MAY 27 – 8 PM (Theater)
“Metro Med” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

WEDNESDAY, MAY 28 – 8 PM (Theater)
“Angel Academy” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

SATURDAY, MAY 31 – DETAILS TO COME (Standup)
Dream Street Foundation 2nd Annual Fund-raising Comedy Show
Knights of Columbus Hall
224 ½ Sepulveda
Manhattan Beach, CA
** Open to the public
** Proceeds benefit Dream Street Foundation’s Summer Camp Scholarship Program to send children with cancer to summer camp
** For information on Dream Street Foundation: www.dreamstreetfoundation.org

TUESDAY, JUNE 3 – 8 PM (Theater)
“Metro Med” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

TUESDAY, JUNE 10 – 8 PM (Theater)
“Metro Med” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

Irish eyes get criticized for smiling

St. Patrick’s Day is Monday March 17. If Irish eyes are smiling and the world seems bright and gay, does this mean people won’t celebrate if they’re against same-sex marriage?

A lot of people strongly believe men should not marry men. Well if I listen to 99 percent of the married women I know, women also shouldn’t marry men.

Speaking of St. Patrick’s Day, if the luck of the Irish was really lucky, that leprechaun wouldn’t need to wait until after it rained to find pots of gold.

Last year, I learned the hard way that you can still get pinched on St. Patrick’s Day if the green you’re wearing happens to be spinach between your teeth or guacamole on your lapel.

There’s a good reason fish don’t eat guacamole. They don’t want to be green in the gills.

We’re currently in the midst of the Lent. I observed it yesterday when I cleaned that little tray in the clothes dryer.

I didn’t see the point in going to church on Ash Wednesday. At my house, Ash Wednesday is any Wednesday if I’m cooking dinner.

I decided not to give up anything for Lent. It is simply too difficult to give up writing jokes about stupid politicians.

People tell me I’m too critical of members of Congress. On their behalf, I do realize politicians don’t have all the answers. But how do you solve a problem like Maria? And how do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

I watched the Academy Awards and I was amazed. All those superb actors can memorize pages and pages of a script. But when some of them give acceptance speeches, they need notes to remember how to say, “Thank you!”

When Jared Leto wishes upon a star, do you think he wishes upon himself or Matthew McConaughey?

I am an overachiever. I hired a personal trainer to get to my idea weight. When I weighed this morning, I discovered I reached it and exceeded it by 32 pounds.


SEE ME LIVE:

Saturday, March 15 – 7 pm (standup)
* Million Laughs – Private Show
Joseph House for men in recovery
Santa Ana, CA
** If you would like to hire Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe to perform for your next party or fund-raising event, contact Will and Yvonne Morton: will@millionlaughs.com

Sunday, March 30 – 7 pm (standup)
 * Million Laughs – Private Show
Shawl House for women in recovery
San Pedro, CA
** If you would like to hire Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe to perform for your next party or fund-raising event, contact Will and Yvonne Morton: will@millionlaughs.com

Saturday, April 26 – 7 pm (theater)
“Midnight Cry” – Written by Danny Wooten
Directed by Danny Wooten and Betty Jewell Slater
Fox Theater
Pomona, CA
* $20 balcony, $30 orchestra
** Tickets available at NewCo Media Center, Pomona, CA
** For info: 877-816-5757
** www.quietfirepro.com
*** Keep checking as a second show may be added

Loving one another doesn’t always include neighbors

I’ve already broken my New Year’s resolution to love my neighbor. I had every intention of doing that, but his wife had me served with a restraining order.

Actually, I only made one New Year’s resolutions this year. It was not to make any.

I knew better than to make a New Year’s resolution to drop a few pounds. Hey, I know me. I have no intention of going shopping in England – not until the exchange rate gets better.

Vidal Sassoon used to say, “If you don’t look good, I don’t look good.” I guess he stopped saying that because he thought we looked like crap.

A lot of people strongly believe men should not marry men. Well if you listen to 95 percent of the married women I know, women also shouldn’t marry men.

I read ingredient lists because I like to know what is in my food. I learned bromate potassium, which is an agent to help bread rise, is often used in flat bread.

This kid asked me if I was older than dirt. I said, “No, Dirt is one year, seven months, two weeks, four days, eight hours, 52 minutes and 47 seconds older than I am.

January 3 is National Festival of Sleep Day. I imagine die-hard fans spend the year dreaming of this.

January 21 is Squirrel Appreciation Day. I probably won’t celebrate because I’m not sure I will ever appreciate some of the members of Congress.

January 27 is National Punch the Clock Day. I refuse to observe it because I don’t want to hurt my knuckles.

January 30 is National Inane Answering Message Day. My message will be: “Hi! If you’re a bill collector, leave your address. I have a huge pile of bills I can send you to add to your collection.

SEE ME LIVE:

Wednesday, January 8 – 8 & 9:30 pm (theater)
“Angel Academy” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage
1523 N La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $30 – contact me in advance and I can get you in for $15
** Bring your own refreshments
** Valet parking available

Friday, January 10 –8 pm (standup)
The Rain Nightclub
Show produced by Spanky the Truth Miller, headliner seen on “The Late Show” with David Letterman
12215 Ventura Blvd
Studio City, CA
** Doors open at 7:30 pm
** Free parking
** $10, includes free admission to after party
** No drink minimum
** Must be 21 years old or older

Monday, January 13, 2014 – 8 pm (inspirational speaking and standup)
Women Artists Network
Simi Valley, CA
** PRIVATE SHOW

Wednesday, January 15 – 8 pm (theater)
“Angel Academy” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage
1523 N La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $30 – contact me in advance and I can get you in for $15
** Bring your own refreshments
** Valet parking available

Wednesday, January 22 – 8 pm (theater)
“Angel Academy” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage
1523 N La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $30 – contact me in advance and I can get you in for $15
** Bring your own refreshments
** Valet parking available

Wednesday, January 22 – 8 pm (theater)
“Angel Academy” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage
1523 N La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $30 – contact me in advance and I can get you in for $15
** Bring your own refreshments
** Valet parking available

Wednesday, January 29 – 8 pm (theater)
“Angel Academy” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage
1523 N La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $30 – contact me in advance and I can get you in for $15
** Bring your own refreshments
** Valet parking available

Wednesday, February 5 – 8 pm (theater)
“Angel Academy” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage
1523 N La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $30 – contact me in advance and I can get you in for $15
** Bring your own refreshments
** Valet parking available

Saturday, February 22 – TBD (theater)
“Midnight Cry”
Fox Theater
Pomona, CA
** Details to come