All that glitters is not gold, it's also Michele Bachmann

A protester threw glitter on Michele Bachmann when she defended her stand against gay rights. I was appalled. That glitter would have looked a lot better on some unemployed drag queen.

After Michele Bachmann got pelted with glitter for defending her stand against gay rights, she said, "I don't need this! But, I could use some fashion tips and a way better hair cut."

If Michele Bachmann gets elected president, her inauguration parties are going to be boring. With her extremist views, there's no way she'll let revelers have a gay old time.

During the GOP debate, possible presidential contender Tim Pawlenty said he would support a constitutional amendment "to define marriage between a man and a woman." His wife said, "That proves it takes an act of Congress to get him to listen to me."

Republican Herman Cain says if he's elected president, he doesn't want a Muslim in his administration. I think he said this to save face because he has yet to meet a Muslim who wants to work in his administration.

Although Sarah Palin had a reality show and works for FOX, she knows as much about television as she knows about American history. I understand she thinks "The Flintstones" is a documentary.

Bristol Palin is writing her memoirs. The book will include a how-to chapter from her experience on "Dancing with the Stars." It begins, "Put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right foot in and shake it all about."

Hugh Hefner's 24-year-old girlfriend had a change of heart about marrying the 85-year-old Playboy Magazine publisher. She contended he's not ready to settle down yet because he hasn't dated all the Kardashians.

An Emperor penguin from Antarctica somehow took a wrong turn and ended up in New Zealand. Had he been a female penguin this wouldn't have happened. She would have stopped to ask for directions.

The penguin later told reporters he really wasn't lost. He was simply taking a stroll on the beach after attending the premier of "Mr. Popper's Penguins."

Them's fightin' words

I read on the Internet that some people are mad because toy stores are selling out of automatic marshmallow launchers. Believe it or not, we had those when I was a kid, but we could get them for free and we called them hands.

I find it amazing that during a season that celebrates peace and love, adults will get violent if they can't find a particular item. One thing I would never fight for is a diamond. That's because diamonds are supposed to be a girl's best friend, but they won't accept my Facebook friend invite.

Meanwhile, here is a top 10 list of things I would fight to obtain:

1. A battery-operated battery charger

2. A sound-proof room where the Little Drummer Boy can practice

3. A politician who realizes it is sometimes better to give in than to receive

4. Six months of lessons at the Bristol Palin Dance Studio

5. A chance to look like Reese Witherspoon without losing 70 pounds and 20 years

6. A boss who is smarter than a fifth-grader

7. A good price for my mother-in-law when I try to sell her on "Pawn Stars"

8. A hip that will hop

9. A Blackberry that washes dishes

10. A copy of the words to that song "The Impossible Dream" so I can remember why I'm supposed to fight the unbeatable foe.

Don't deck the halls with holly

My husband told me he was going to deck the halls with holly tomorrow night. I should be grateful, but I'm not because I thought he stopped seeing Holly.

My husband sure tricked me by donning his gay apparel and saying he was going out to sing, "Hark," with that angel, Harold.

Last weekend, we put up our Christmas tree. It was my turn to put the star on top. If I do say so myself, I chose a terrific picture of Justin Bieber.

I believe in living green. So I bought a small artificial Christmas tree this year. It's scented. And, it looks really pretty hanging from my rearview mirror.

A big selling item this holiday season is the Obama Chia Pet. That proves that all this talk about a green environment has gone to his head.

This is a busy time of the year. Not only do we have to observe Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanza, but I have to get myself psyched up for December 12. That's National Ding-a-ling Day. It's appropriate because it's also when my mother-in-law arrives for the holidays.

Actually, it's fun getting my mother-in-law to help me decorate the yard and the outside of the house. While she's on the roof stringing lights, I love to put the ladder away.

I have no clue what I'm giving my mother-in-law for Christmas. She hated the birthday present I gave her last month. I can't believe she didn't want a Hello Kitty toaster.

She said she expected something bigger and better from me. Then, she got mad when I told her, "But I'm already taken."

My mother-in-law is staying for a month, so I don't have to do anything to get ready to celebrate December 31, which is National Unlucky Day.

Kate Gosselin and her eight kids are going holiday camping with Sarah Palin for an episode of "Sarah Palin's Alaska". To prepare, they attended bear safety school. But, Kate isn't worried because she discovered the best bear repellant on the market – a copy of "America by Heart".

Speaking of reality shows, Bristol Palin contends her mother didn't force her to be on "Dancing with the Stars". Bristol said it simply made good scents. She could either dance badly and smell sweat or be on her mom's show and smell fish guts.

Give thanks for TSA scans

I've decided to invite Sarah Palin to my house this year for Thanksgiving Dinner. I figure she won't eat that much because she'll arrive full – of herself.

Last Thursday, we celebrated the Great American Smoke Out and vowed to live in a smoke-free house from here on out. That means I'm not allowed to cook Thanksgiving Dinner.

Every year at this time, the President of the United States pardons a turkey. I don't think President Obama should even bother this year because the turkeys in Congress sure aren't pardoning him.

I'm thinking the TSA security scan system should be added to health care reform. Radiologists could be hired to read the new scans, and while they're checking air travelers for weapons, they can also screen for medical ailments.

People are concerned about being touched by an agent when they go through the TSA scanner. I don't understand the fear. Government officials have been groping people for years, specifically California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Some people are angry that top government officials may be exempt from TSA scans. I don't see the problem because we all know that in many cases the scan will not detect a heart.

I should be embarrassed about the thought of what agents will see when I go through a TSA scanner. Due to all the extra-weight I'm packing, the agent viewing the scan will be the real terrorized victim.

About a thousand rats are awaiting adoption in California after being rescued from a house featured on the A&E reality TV show "Hoarders." I probably won't participate. If I wanted to live with a rat, I'd just move in with my ex-husband.

I don't know why everyone is so upset about the fact Sarah Palin supporters may have created a bloc vote to endorse Bristol Palin as the winner of "Dancing with the Stars." After all, it wouldn't be the first time the Tea Party tried to sway election results.

Some astrologers predict that an unusual alignment of the planets may cause a volatile and unhappy holiday season this year. The planet alignment isn't going to ruin my happiness, but if someone gives me a copy of Sarah Palin's new book, that will do the trick.