Sarah Palin decided to restart her bus tour in Iowa. I guess she thought corn growers needed more bull.
President Barack Obama is traveling through the Midwest in a new $1.1 million bus purchased by the Secret Service. The agents are making him ride in the back of the bus.
If politicians campaigning in the Midwest were really sincere about energy consumption, Barack Obama and Sarah Palin would bus pool.
Obama and Palin could get along splendidly if they bus pooled. All they would have to do is wile away the hours playing The Quiet Game.
Mitt Romney says Corporate America is his friend. I wonder what he'll give Corporate Americans for Christmas since they have everything but the opportunity to pay taxes.
Michele Bachmann contends God told her to run for president. I'm thinking God used his inside voice and Michele failed to hear the "don't".
Reporters asked God why he told Michele Bachmann to run for president. God was quoted as saying, "That woman only hears what she wants to hear."
Democrats don't seem too worried about Michele Bachmann's popularity. I guess they figure that behind every good man is a woman, which means in the 2012 election, she'll finish behind Barack Obama.
Kate Gosselin's show "Kate Plus Eight" got canceled on the TLC network. But, that's OK. Kate and the kids can still get on TV by doing what everyone else seems to be doing – becoming Republican presidential candidates.
Sara Lee is suing Kraft for contending Kraft makes better hot dog wieners. When the jury begins deliberating, I think the jurors should decide for themselves by eating the evidence.
Showing posts with label Barack Obama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Barack Obama. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Happy Birthday Mr. President
President Obama is celebrating his 50th birthday. A lot of parties are being held because of him. He said he is grateful, but he can do without the Tea Party.
Democrats urged the president to get his AARP card for his birthday. They contend AARP stands for Always Anti-Republican Party.
Liberal Democrats suggested Obama celebrate his birthday by doing unto Congress as Congress has done unto him – refuse to support them.
The president's daughters wanted to take him to the circus for his birthday. But he said he was tired of watching elephants perform stupid human tricks.
Queen Elizabeth declined her invitation to the president's birthday party because she didn't want to wear a silly hat.
Michele Bachmann planned to attend Barack Obama's birthday party until she realized the invitation stated: "We'll have a GAY old time."
Sarah Palin never planned to attend the president's birthday bash. She said she can see all the festivities from her back yard.
Donald Trump declined his invitation to the president's party because The Donald didn't want the party hats to mess up his hair.
Sasha is glad Donald Trump isn't attending her dad's birthday party. She has been worried that The Donald would fire the pastry chef before the cake was served.
The president wanted to have free donkey rides for all the kids attending his party. But, Joe Biden refused to cooperate.
The president said he looks forward to blowing out all 50 candles because it will give him a politically correct excuse to blow off smoke.
Democrats urged the president to get his AARP card for his birthday. They contend AARP stands for Always Anti-Republican Party.
Liberal Democrats suggested Obama celebrate his birthday by doing unto Congress as Congress has done unto him – refuse to support them.
The president's daughters wanted to take him to the circus for his birthday. But he said he was tired of watching elephants perform stupid human tricks.
Queen Elizabeth declined her invitation to the president's birthday party because she didn't want to wear a silly hat.
Michele Bachmann planned to attend Barack Obama's birthday party until she realized the invitation stated: "We'll have a GAY old time."
Sarah Palin never planned to attend the president's birthday bash. She said she can see all the festivities from her back yard.
Donald Trump declined his invitation to the president's party because The Donald didn't want the party hats to mess up his hair.
Sasha is glad Donald Trump isn't attending her dad's birthday party. She has been worried that The Donald would fire the pastry chef before the cake was served.
The president wanted to have free donkey rides for all the kids attending his party. But, Joe Biden refused to cooperate.
The president said he looks forward to blowing out all 50 candles because it will give him a politically correct excuse to blow off smoke.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Congress should visit Oz
Members of Congress should set aside the debt ceiling and take a vacation. I suggest they visit Oz so they can ask the wizard for courage, hearts and brains.
Barack Obama's birthday is coming up in a few days. He said he isn't hiring a clown for his party, but Joe Biden plans to attend any way.
Joe Biden plans to pose as a clown and twist inflated balloon animals at President Obama's birthday party. While the vice president has never done this before, he believes he can do it because he's seen a lot of twisted Congress members with inflated egos.
The president hopes his family hires a magician to perform at his party because he would like to learn how to saw a few Republicans in half.
For birthday presents, Barack Obama is hoping he'll get a new copy of his birth certificate. The one he has is getting worn out by showing it to everyone upon demand.
Kim Kardashian is suing Old Navy for hiring a model who looks like her. All I can say is be safe people. Pick a different Kardashian to portray this Halloween.
A spokesperson for Miss Kardashian said, "When the battle between Old Navy and Kim is over, she hopes to own the Navy. She loves men in uniforms."
Donald Trump should be glad he's not Elmer Fudd. If Donald was Elmer, he couldn't tell people they were fired. But he could tell them they were "histowee."
But if Donald Trump was Elmer Fudd, he'd have better looking hair.
Elmer Fudd just got a Twitter account. His first message to Buggs Bunny said, "Tweet me with wespect."
Barack Obama's birthday is coming up in a few days. He said he isn't hiring a clown for his party, but Joe Biden plans to attend any way.
Joe Biden plans to pose as a clown and twist inflated balloon animals at President Obama's birthday party. While the vice president has never done this before, he believes he can do it because he's seen a lot of twisted Congress members with inflated egos.
The president hopes his family hires a magician to perform at his party because he would like to learn how to saw a few Republicans in half.
For birthday presents, Barack Obama is hoping he'll get a new copy of his birth certificate. The one he has is getting worn out by showing it to everyone upon demand.
Kim Kardashian is suing Old Navy for hiring a model who looks like her. All I can say is be safe people. Pick a different Kardashian to portray this Halloween.
A spokesperson for Miss Kardashian said, "When the battle between Old Navy and Kim is over, she hopes to own the Navy. She loves men in uniforms."
Donald Trump should be glad he's not Elmer Fudd. If Donald was Elmer, he couldn't tell people they were fired. But he could tell them they were "histowee."
But if Donald Trump was Elmer Fudd, he'd have better looking hair.
Elmer Fudd just got a Twitter account. His first message to Buggs Bunny said, "Tweet me with wespect."
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Truth is stranger than fiction
I'm pretty sure that the person who said, "History repeats itself" wasn't Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann.
After Michele Bachmann confused John Wayne the actor with John Wayne Gacy the criminal, she said, "Get over it. That's now all Waterloo under the bridge."
Before we criticize Michele Bachmann for confusing her John Waynes, we should give her a chance to redeem herself on an issue that matters. Let's see if she can differentiate between a Kardashian and a Snooky.
Michele Bachmann said President Obama is afraid of her. There may be some truth to that. When she says something stupid, he's afraid he's going to laugh.
Michele Bachmann said Barack Obama is afraid to debate her. The president said, "That theory remains open for debate."
Michele Bachmann probably won't approve any debt ceiling bill. Her excuse will be, "We don't have the money to pay this bill."
If Michele Bachmann isn't elected president, she could become a novelist since she doesn't believe in letting the facts get in the way of a good story. She can start with her memoirs.
While visiting the National Robotics Engineering Center at Carnegie Mellon University, President Obama said it's his job as commander-in-chief to keep an eye on robots. I wish it was his job to program the robots. Then members of Congress would cast intelligent votes.
Prince Harry says he doesn't plan on getting married any time soon. He doesn't want to give Princess Beatrice an excuse to buy another ugly hat.
Next time I want someone to lie to me, I'm going to ask a politician, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
After Michele Bachmann confused John Wayne the actor with John Wayne Gacy the criminal, she said, "Get over it. That's now all Waterloo under the bridge."
Before we criticize Michele Bachmann for confusing her John Waynes, we should give her a chance to redeem herself on an issue that matters. Let's see if she can differentiate between a Kardashian and a Snooky.
Michele Bachmann said President Obama is afraid of her. There may be some truth to that. When she says something stupid, he's afraid he's going to laugh.
Michele Bachmann said Barack Obama is afraid to debate her. The president said, "That theory remains open for debate."
Michele Bachmann probably won't approve any debt ceiling bill. Her excuse will be, "We don't have the money to pay this bill."
If Michele Bachmann isn't elected president, she could become a novelist since she doesn't believe in letting the facts get in the way of a good story. She can start with her memoirs.
While visiting the National Robotics Engineering Center at Carnegie Mellon University, President Obama said it's his job as commander-in-chief to keep an eye on robots. I wish it was his job to program the robots. Then members of Congress would cast intelligent votes.
Prince Harry says he doesn't plan on getting married any time soon. He doesn't want to give Princess Beatrice an excuse to buy another ugly hat.
Next time I want someone to lie to me, I'm going to ask a politician, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Politicians provide paradise for comedy writers
Sarah Palin's e-mails have been released to media. My favorite is the one she wrote in early December 2007 that said, "Dear Santa, please bring me a vice presidential nomination so I can get a book deal and reality show."
Donald Trump is once again considering the possibility of a presidential campaign. He already has a lot of supporters. They're are called comedy writers.
A Connecticut company plans to release two Anthony Weiner action figure dolls. One is a plain doll. The other is a more expensive, anatomically correct version that comes with an active Twitter account.
This week, President Barack Obama announced a new effort to eliminate government waste and named Joe Biden to lead the effort. Obama even offered to help pack the vice president's bags.
Prince Philip celebrated his 90th birthday this week. His party guests didn't blindfold him for the Pin the Tail on the Donkey game. They knew he wouldn't get close to the donkey, but they told Camilla to hide.
While misquoting the Constitution, Michele Bachmann said she wanted to give Constitution lessons. This proves that those who can do and those who can't teach.
The Colorado couple who tried to cash in on publicity by letting their son float away in a silver hot-air balloon are trying to auction the balloon to raise money for earthquake and tsunami recovery efforts in Japan. They said their son will deliver the money in a gold hot-air balloon.
It's the second time the couple tried to auction the famous silver balloon. They said the first round of bids were low and fraudulent. They also said something about finding gold in a pot or kettle they called black.
When I was in college, I didn't understand the point of joining a sorority because it was all Greek to me.
My husband suggested we spend several hundred dollars to take the entire family to Hawaii for have a nice, stress free, relaxing vacation. I suggested we save money and just get a single one-way ticket for my mother-in-law.
Donald Trump is once again considering the possibility of a presidential campaign. He already has a lot of supporters. They're are called comedy writers.
A Connecticut company plans to release two Anthony Weiner action figure dolls. One is a plain doll. The other is a more expensive, anatomically correct version that comes with an active Twitter account.
This week, President Barack Obama announced a new effort to eliminate government waste and named Joe Biden to lead the effort. Obama even offered to help pack the vice president's bags.
Prince Philip celebrated his 90th birthday this week. His party guests didn't blindfold him for the Pin the Tail on the Donkey game. They knew he wouldn't get close to the donkey, but they told Camilla to hide.
While misquoting the Constitution, Michele Bachmann said she wanted to give Constitution lessons. This proves that those who can do and those who can't teach.
The Colorado couple who tried to cash in on publicity by letting their son float away in a silver hot-air balloon are trying to auction the balloon to raise money for earthquake and tsunami recovery efforts in Japan. They said their son will deliver the money in a gold hot-air balloon.
It's the second time the couple tried to auction the famous silver balloon. They said the first round of bids were low and fraudulent. They also said something about finding gold in a pot or kettle they called black.
When I was in college, I didn't understand the point of joining a sorority because it was all Greek to me.
My husband suggested we spend several hundred dollars to take the entire family to Hawaii for have a nice, stress free, relaxing vacation. I suggested we save money and just get a single one-way ticket for my mother-in-law.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
It's a Sad Week for Oprah Fans
A lot of people are teary eyed because May 25 is Oprah's last show. I know I'm teary eyed and will continue to be. As I say "Bye" to Oprah, I'm saying 'Hi" to allergy season.
As Oprah leaves her hit television show, I wish she'd take my mother-in-law with her.
Kirstie Alley didn't win the "Dancing with the Stars" coveted mirror ball trophy. But people love her, so she'll always have "Cheers".
June begins next week. It's traditionally the month for weddings. If you're planning on getting married, you don't have to settle for being a trophy wife. You can settle on being a consolation prize wife.
Human Resources departments will have more applicants to weed through in June. In addition to current job seekers and spring college graduates, people who planned their lives around Oprah's show now need something to do.
When the world didn't come to an end on May 21, Harold Camping said he was "flabbergasted". I'm flabbergasted that people who believed him gave the multi-millionaire their money to take with him.
That silly silk antler hat Princess Beatrice wore to the royal wedding was bought for $131,648 dollars. The princess auctioned her hat on eBay to raise money for the charity Children in Crisis, an agency that should help anyone even thinking of wearing that hat.
When President Obama visited Ireland and his relatives a few days ago, he said, "No one is more Irish than me," which prompted his relatives to ask to see his birth certificate.
When Obama's presidential limo got stuck on a speed bump while he was traveling in Ireland, he said, "When I drank that beer, I should have asked for a Guiness Light."
About 2,200 lunar rocks were brought to Earth by NASA's Apollo astronauts. A recent count showed 10 states and more than 90 countries cannot account for their share of the rocks. Has anyone looked in the heads of presidential candidates?
I'm getting really forgetful. I was going to try tying string on my finger because that's supposed to help you remember stuff. But, I can't remember where I put my string.
As Oprah leaves her hit television show, I wish she'd take my mother-in-law with her.
Kirstie Alley didn't win the "Dancing with the Stars" coveted mirror ball trophy. But people love her, so she'll always have "Cheers".
June begins next week. It's traditionally the month for weddings. If you're planning on getting married, you don't have to settle for being a trophy wife. You can settle on being a consolation prize wife.
Human Resources departments will have more applicants to weed through in June. In addition to current job seekers and spring college graduates, people who planned their lives around Oprah's show now need something to do.
When the world didn't come to an end on May 21, Harold Camping said he was "flabbergasted". I'm flabbergasted that people who believed him gave the multi-millionaire their money to take with him.
That silly silk antler hat Princess Beatrice wore to the royal wedding was bought for $131,648 dollars. The princess auctioned her hat on eBay to raise money for the charity Children in Crisis, an agency that should help anyone even thinking of wearing that hat.
When President Obama visited Ireland and his relatives a few days ago, he said, "No one is more Irish than me," which prompted his relatives to ask to see his birth certificate.
When Obama's presidential limo got stuck on a speed bump while he was traveling in Ireland, he said, "When I drank that beer, I should have asked for a Guiness Light."
About 2,200 lunar rocks were brought to Earth by NASA's Apollo astronauts. A recent count showed 10 states and more than 90 countries cannot account for their share of the rocks. Has anyone looked in the heads of presidential candidates?
I'm getting really forgetful. I was going to try tying string on my finger because that's supposed to help you remember stuff. But, I can't remember where I put my string.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
No Easter egg hunts for Donald Trump
President Obama reported earning $1.7 million last year, which is down from $5.5 million in 2009. This year, he hopes to reduce his income by $1.69 million so he can pay higher taxes.
The Arizona Legislature wanted to pass a bill that would allow presidential candidates without birth certificates to show other documents such as proof of circumcision. They should demand that of Congress members because they're the people screwing us.
If Donald Trump is elected president, unemployment will rise. After all, he's the guy who appears on TV every week just to fire people.
Donald Trump decided not to host an Easter egg hunt this year because he doesn't want to urge children to count their chickens before they hatch.
The Donald refuses to count chickens before they hatch because they have to hatch before they can get a birth certificate.
Donald Trump doesn't believe in putting all his eggs in one basket. He believes in putting them all in that nest thingie on his head.
I don't need a watch dog. My cat looks out for me. Every time she hears a bird, she looks out the window.
Every morning, I get to hear these wonderful song birds perched in a tree outside my window. I love those birds. And, those birds love my car.
I walked past a downtown building with an outside designated smoking area adjacent to the fire exit. I figure if you don't die of smoke inhalation while trying to escape, it will get you on the way out.
My mother-in-law isn't very computer literate. She thinks Windows is something I never wash.
The Arizona Legislature wanted to pass a bill that would allow presidential candidates without birth certificates to show other documents such as proof of circumcision. They should demand that of Congress members because they're the people screwing us.
If Donald Trump is elected president, unemployment will rise. After all, he's the guy who appears on TV every week just to fire people.
Donald Trump decided not to host an Easter egg hunt this year because he doesn't want to urge children to count their chickens before they hatch.
The Donald refuses to count chickens before they hatch because they have to hatch before they can get a birth certificate.
Donald Trump doesn't believe in putting all his eggs in one basket. He believes in putting them all in that nest thingie on his head.
I don't need a watch dog. My cat looks out for me. Every time she hears a bird, she looks out the window.
Every morning, I get to hear these wonderful song birds perched in a tree outside my window. I love those birds. And, those birds love my car.
I walked past a downtown building with an outside designated smoking area adjacent to the fire exit. I figure if you don't die of smoke inhalation while trying to escape, it will get you on the way out.
My mother-in-law isn't very computer literate. She thinks Windows is something I never wash.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Give thanks for TSA scans
I've decided to invite Sarah Palin to my house this year for Thanksgiving Dinner. I figure she won't eat that much because she'll arrive full – of herself.
Last Thursday, we celebrated the Great American Smoke Out and vowed to live in a smoke-free house from here on out. That means I'm not allowed to cook Thanksgiving Dinner.
Every year at this time, the President of the United States pardons a turkey. I don't think President Obama should even bother this year because the turkeys in Congress sure aren't pardoning him.
I'm thinking the TSA security scan system should be added to health care reform. Radiologists could be hired to read the new scans, and while they're checking air travelers for weapons, they can also screen for medical ailments.
People are concerned about being touched by an agent when they go through the TSA scanner. I don't understand the fear. Government officials have been groping people for years, specifically California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Some people are angry that top government officials may be exempt from TSA scans. I don't see the problem because we all know that in many cases the scan will not detect a heart.
I should be embarrassed about the thought of what agents will see when I go through a TSA scanner. Due to all the extra-weight I'm packing, the agent viewing the scan will be the real terrorized victim.
About a thousand rats are awaiting adoption in California after being rescued from a house featured on the A&E reality TV show "Hoarders." I probably won't participate. If I wanted to live with a rat, I'd just move in with my ex-husband.
I don't know why everyone is so upset about the fact Sarah Palin supporters may have created a bloc vote to endorse Bristol Palin as the winner of "Dancing with the Stars." After all, it wouldn't be the first time the Tea Party tried to sway election results.
Some astrologers predict that an unusual alignment of the planets may cause a volatile and unhappy holiday season this year. The planet alignment isn't going to ruin my happiness, but if someone gives me a copy of Sarah Palin's new book, that will do the trick.
Last Thursday, we celebrated the Great American Smoke Out and vowed to live in a smoke-free house from here on out. That means I'm not allowed to cook Thanksgiving Dinner.
Every year at this time, the President of the United States pardons a turkey. I don't think President Obama should even bother this year because the turkeys in Congress sure aren't pardoning him.
I'm thinking the TSA security scan system should be added to health care reform. Radiologists could be hired to read the new scans, and while they're checking air travelers for weapons, they can also screen for medical ailments.
People are concerned about being touched by an agent when they go through the TSA scanner. I don't understand the fear. Government officials have been groping people for years, specifically California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Some people are angry that top government officials may be exempt from TSA scans. I don't see the problem because we all know that in many cases the scan will not detect a heart.
I should be embarrassed about the thought of what agents will see when I go through a TSA scanner. Due to all the extra-weight I'm packing, the agent viewing the scan will be the real terrorized victim.
About a thousand rats are awaiting adoption in California after being rescued from a house featured on the A&E reality TV show "Hoarders." I probably won't participate. If I wanted to live with a rat, I'd just move in with my ex-husband.
I don't know why everyone is so upset about the fact Sarah Palin supporters may have created a bloc vote to endorse Bristol Palin as the winner of "Dancing with the Stars." After all, it wouldn't be the first time the Tea Party tried to sway election results.
Some astrologers predict that an unusual alignment of the planets may cause a volatile and unhappy holiday season this year. The planet alignment isn't going to ruin my happiness, but if someone gives me a copy of Sarah Palin's new book, that will do the trick.
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