An attorney advertising for clients afflicted by recalled prescriptions said, "Call me if you experienced a heart attack, a stroke or death." I hope mobile phone plans in Heaven offer free any-time minutes.
An apple a day may keep the doctors away, but Bill Gates ain't buying into it.
Whoever said, "If you want it done right, you've got to do it yourself" is obviously someone who has eaten my cooking.
My relatives love to point out my faults. I admit I have some, but my faults are not of such seismic proportions that they're actually earthshaking.
I've been reading the dictionary a lot lately. The first time I read it, I realized my mother-in-law's nickname for me wasn't as nice as she said it was.
My mother-in-law has held a grudge against me since the day we met. I was joking with her, and she told me to grow up and act my age. I told her she would be more mature if she quit acting her age and started acting her waist size.
My mother-in-law spends hours in the bathroom teasing her hair. I don't get that. She's a blond, so I doubt if her hair catches her jokes.
I have a driving tip for you. Don't give the guy beside you the finger. You know good and well you need both hands to send a text message to the driver in front of you.
In Beverly Hills, pro-choice means deciding whether to get Botox injections before or after lunch.
The government term for Social Security is fixed income. I wish they would fix it. Most people I know who draw Social Security checks are broke. They can't even afford a pencil and tablet so they can draw more checks.