Wednesday, August 10, 2011

I don't want to hear the word "allergies"

Golfers would rather meet "over here" instead of "over there" so they can "t" off.

Friends, Romans and country men, lend me your ear. I have allergies so my right one isn't working.

Some unidentified orange gunk was found off the coast of Alaska. It was the remnants of the vest Sarah Palin wears so people in Russia can see her when she's standing in her back yard.

There is an obscure law that the cafeteria in the federal House of Representatives is always required to have bean soup on the menu. So if you are what you eat, that explains why Congress members are full of gas.

Whoever said time is money was not my landlord.

When I told my landlord I could only pay half the rent this month, he said he didn't have time to listen to excuses. I told him time is money and handed him an envelope filled with 20 hours, six minutes and 27 seconds.

New statistics on obesity indicate that two out of three people in the United States are actually three out of four, which explains why my mama gave this Texas gal two first names.

I was thinking of buying a Smart phone. But I decided to wait until I know for sure it's smarter than a fifth-grader.

If people cry over spilled milk, if they spill half-and-half, will they only cry out of one eye?

You always hear people say, "You made your bed, now you have to lie it." Shouldn't you lie in it first and then make it?

Saturday, Aug. 13
Downtown Comedy Club
114 W. 5th Street
Los Angeles, CA
 8 pm, $10
** No item minimum

Sunday, Sept. 11
National Grandparents Day Show
Flappers Comedy Club - Main Room
102 East Magnolia
Burbank, CA
5 pm, $10