It's been said that home is where the heart is. That's good! If home is where the hips are, I'd simultaneously be in Texas, Alaska and Michigan.
If I had an opportunity to be George Clooney's arm candy, I'd want to an Almond Joy instead of a Snickers.
I think fire extinguisher salesmen should offer birthday discounts. I'm not saying any one needs one because of all the candles on the cake. I'm just saying fire extinguisher salesmen don't work cheap.
Whoever said it's good to be flexible obviously hasn't turned 50 yet.
Some people are sad Rick Santorum is bowing out of the Republican presidential race. Personally, I just want to keep Newt Gingrich employed in politics. We need the eye of Newt to avoid a higher unemployment rate among witches.
I wouldn't trade in my mother-in-law for anything on Earth. But, I would sell her on eBay because I could get more if I sell her by the parts.
My friend told me to reach for the stars even when my mind is in the gutter. This taught me that I'm a terrible contortionist. (My friend by the way is a chiropractor.)
My sister thinks I should find Jesus. Well, I'll go looking for him as soon as I find my car keys.
I decided to take a chance and buy some stock. Now I hope the stockholder's meeting is held soon. Otherwise the stock is going to get so large that the pig will have to hold me.
Well, I'm getting a divorce because I got tired of being a trophy wife. Let my husband dust his own bowling trophies.
