When I was a kid, my mom wouldn't let me get a pet lizard. She said she didn't want any reptiles in her house. That confused me because she let my brother-in-law in, and he's an attorney.
When I need to conduct a business luncheon, I go to Denny's. It's a great place for counter offers – especially for free refills on coffee.
Some people hear me my Texas accent and accuse me of being a hick – but they're wrong. Real hicks ain't very grammatically correct. They always use the wrong first person possessive pronoun. For example, iphone, ipad, eye witness.
If April showers bring May flowers, what does a May flower bring? Allergies.
April 4 is National Tell a Lie Day. I plan to celebrate by telling people, "I'm George Washington. I cannot tell a lie."
It's a good thing politicians aren't made of wood. Their noses would be longer than the trail of lies they tell.
April 9 in Name Yourself Day. I'm going to name myself Oprah because I've always wanted a friend named Gayle.
My friend asked if I had big plans for observing Richter Scale Day on April 26. I said, "I'm not planning anything too earth shaking."
I used to get really anxious, and people would say, "Hold your horses." Now abiding by that phrase just gives me sore arms.
The shower is a wonderful place for singing. It's also a wonderful place for using all the hot water.