Friday, April 18, 2014

Talk about a heavy-weight psychic

* NOTE: These jokes about my psychic healer are just that jokes! My actual healer is amazing and talented. He literally helped me save my life. Leave a message if you want details or information.


I went to a numerologist seeking an answer to an extremely important question – specifically, should I use Revlon Color Number 56 or Revlon Color Number 57?

I asked my psychic if I was going to make it big in Hollywood. He said my butt is already almost as large as Kim Kardashian’s.

When I first started working with a psychic healer, he told me his practice did not include cards – specifically my overdrawn Visa card.

My psychic also doesn’t depend on a crystal ball to light his way. He just flips a switch to illuminate his crystal chandelier.

My psychic healer is good. The first time we met, he saw me coming two blocks away. He said I was easy to see since I weighed 256 pounds and was wearing a bright red dress, oversized shoes and a clown nose.

Before I lost 110 pounds, I really was larger than life and Paris Hilton’s bank balance.

If you’re wondering how I lost more than 100 pounds in two years, I’ll tell you. After 23 months of complaining, I left my spouse.

I don’t know why I’m still working with my psychic. Thanks to Facebook, I already know what all of you had for dinner.

I plan to observe Easter with a bunch of chocolate bunnies and eggs. But you won’t catch me singing that “Easter Parade” song because Mom told me never to chew with my mouth full.

Just wondering – if a bee is allergic to honey, will he or she break out in hives?


PERFORMANCE SCHEDULE


SATURDAY, APRIL 19 – 2:30 PM (Standup)
Million Laughs Clean Comedy Show
Country Villa Bay Vista Assisted Living
Long Beach, CA
** Private Show
** If you would like to book the Million Laughs Clean Comedy Show for your next event or fund-raising activity, contact Yvonne and Will Morton: Will@MillionLaughs.com

TUESDAY, APRIL 22 – 9:30 PM (Theater)
“Metro Med” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23 – 9:30 PM (Theater)
“Angel Academy” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

SATURDAY, APRIL 26 – 7 PM (Theater)
“Midnight Cry” – written by David Wooten, directed by David Wooten and Betty Jewell Slater
Fox Theater
301 N. Garey
Pomona, CA
** Doors open at 6 pm
** For ticket information: www.quietfirepro.com

SUNDAY, APRIL 27 – (Film)
Shooting on location
Los Angeles, CA
** Closed set

TUESDAY, APRIL 29 – 9:30 PM (Theater)
“Metro Med” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 30 – 9:30 PM (Theater)
“Angel Academy” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

TUESDAY, MAY 6 – 9:30 PM (Theater)
“Metro Med” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

WEDNESDAY, MAY 7 – 9:30 PM (Theater)
“Angel Academy” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments
 

SATURDAY, MAY 10 – 2 PM (Standup)
Million Laughs Clean Comedy Show
Veterans Hospital
Los Angeles, CA
** Private Show
** If you would like to book the Million Laughs Clean Comedy Show for your next event or fund-raising activity, contact Yvonne and Will Morton: Will@MillionLaughs.com

TUESDAY, MAY 13 – 9:30 PM (Theater)
"Metro Med” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

WEDNESDAY, MAY 14 – 8 PM (Theater)
“Angel Academy” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

TUESDAY, MAY 20 – 8 PM (Theater)
“Metro Med” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

WEDNESDAY, MAY 21 – 8 PM (Theater)
“Angel Academy” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

TUESDAY, MAY 27 – 8 PM (Theater)
“Metro Med” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

WEDNESDAY, MAY 28 – 8 PM (Theater)
“Angel Academy” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

SATURDAY, MAY 31 – DETAILS TO COME (Standup)
Dream Street Foundation 2nd Annual Fund-raising Comedy Show
Knights of Columbus Hall
224 ½ Sepulveda
Manhattan Beach, CA
** Open to the public
** Proceeds benefit Dream Street Foundation’s Summer Camp Scholarship Program to send children with cancer to summer camp
** For information on Dream Street Foundation: www.dreamstreetfoundation.org

TUESDAY, JUNE 3 – 8 PM (Theater)
“Metro Med” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

TUESDAY, JUNE 10 – 8 PM (Theater)
“Metro Med” – written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
1523 N. La Brea
Hollywood, CA
** $20 if you mention my name – otherwise $30
** Valet parking available
** Bring your own refreshments

No comments:

Post a Comment