I just earned $1 net profit from playing the California lottery. If my winning streak continues for 249,999 weeks, I can get a tax break.
A burglar broke into a Chicago beauty supply store and stole some human hair. The culprits could avoid jail if they just come to my home and scoop out the shower drain.
The real reason Donald Trump wants President Obama's birth certificate is so The Donald can sell it on eBay to finance his presidential campaign.
A 7-foot long alligator in Florida went through a doggie door and into the bathroom of a woman's house. Last time a reptile came into my house, I married him.
Two people paid a New York cab driver $5,000 to drive them to Los Angeles. The cabbie later said he'll never do that again. It cost him more than $6,000 for gasoline, and that was just to top off his tank when he got to L.A.
A lot of people are working two jobs so they can afford gasoline. All I can say is if working long hours is making you tired, become an air traffic controller so you can sleep on the job.
Bookmakers are taking bets outside Westminister Abbey as to whether Prince Philip will sleep during the royal wedding and if William will be jilted at the altar. I'm betting that if Kate bolts, Philip will wake up.
It's a new trend for large companies to outsource for employee retirement packages. I can't believe they're just figuring that out. Since the recession began, I've been sending my retirement funds to outside sources.
Democratic Congressman James Clyburn said officials can reach a consensus to tackle government debt if they bring compassion to the table. Republicans, of course, are against the suggestion. They contend: Why start now?
Model Petra Nemcova got voted off "Dancing with the Stars," although the judges described her as a golden goddess. If she's really a goddess, she doesn't have to worry. She can just go live with Charlie Sheen.