Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Resolutions even I can keep!

There is only one thing I hate about New Year's Eve parties. It's called everything.

Here are my Top Ten New Year's resolutions:

1. I resolve not to ask for a tax break until I earn at least $250,000.

2. I resolve to stop writing mean jokes about my mother-in-law because I don't have a mother-in-law.

3. I resolve to stop criticizing Congress until later today.

4. I resolve to eat better food, which means I'm going to stop eating my own cooking.

5. I resolve to let my smart car and smart phone start thinking for themselves.

6. I resolve to stop eating country-fried chicken. From now on, I'm only eating suburban-fried chicken.

7. I resolve to become a vegetarian. I'm easing into it by only eating corn-fed beef.

8. I resolve to stop calling my ex-husband a snake. I'm going to call him a rat because he's a used-car salesman.

9. I resolve to stop making fun of Kim Kardashian. But Kourtney is fair game.

10. I resolve to eat less chocolate until I replenish my supply.

START THE YEAR RIGHT  -- SEE ME LIVE

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 29 - 8:30 PM (STANDUP)
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Substance Abuse Foundation
Long Beach, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at
will@millionlaughs.com

TUESDAY, JANUARY 8 - 7:00 PM (STANDUP)
Comics on the Spot
The Warehouse
4499 Admiralty Way
Marina del Rey, CA
 ** $10 cover admits two
** No item minimum purchase required but food and beverage service is available

THURSDAY, JANUARY 17 - 7:00 PM (STANDUP)
So You Think You're Funny Show
Produced by Cornelius Grant, original musical director for The Temptations
Barbara Morrison Performing Arts Center
4305 Degnan Blvd
Los Angeles, CA
**$10 cover for clean show at 7:00 PM (I'm doing the clean show only)
**$15 cover for clean show at 7:00 PM AND blue show at 10:00 PM
** No item minimum purchase required

OPENING IN JANUARY - WEDNESDAYS DATE TO COME (THEATER)
"Angel Academy" - written and directed by Chris Berube
Next Stage Theater
On La Brea just north of Sunset Blvd in Suite 208 of a shopping center with an ice cream store
** Details later - just make plans to be there for an 8 week run
*** $20 - tell them I sent you



Wednesday, December 19, 2012

UFOs trigger laughter that is out of this world

I don't care what anyone says, my Smart Car really is smarter than it looks.

If a Smart Car was really smart, it would figure out a way to pay for its own gasoline.

My roommate spends an hour in the bathroom just teasing her hair. I hate that. She's blond so her hair isn't going to get her jokes.

I live in a bad neighborhood. At night it's so bad all you can hear is a flock of mocking birds imitating gunfire and sirens.

I live in a neighborhood that is so bad the residents don't take showers. They take blood baths.

I live next door to a couple of gang members named Spanky and Alfalfa. They're violent. I know because their dog, Petey, always has a black eye.

I don't know what to think about the Mayan Calendar and the world coming to an end. But, I do know I believe in UFOs. Just this morning, I looked in my freezer and found all kinds of unidentified frozen objects.

I grew up in Amarillo, Texas. It's the Helium Capital of the World. But nothing is there because everything good floated away.

Back in my babe days, I used to have a date every weekend. Now when Saturday night rolls around, I have an apricot.

In Los Angeles, people are obsessed with being skinny. In fact, if you listen to obesity experts, two out of three people in L.A. are really three out of four.

SEE ME LIVE:

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 29 – 8:30 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Substance Abuse Foundation
Long Beach, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

TUESDAY, JANUARY 8 – 7:00 PM
Comics on the Spot
The Warehouse
4499 Admiralty Way
Marina del Rey, CA
** $10 cover admits two
** No item minimum purchase required but food and beverage service is available

THURSDAY, JANUARY 17 – 7:00 PM
So You Think You're Funny Show
Produced by Cornelius Grant, original musical director of The Temptations
Barbara Morrison Performing Arts Center
4305 Degnan Blvd
Los Angeles, CA
**$10 cover for clean show at 7:00 PM
**$15 cover for clean show at 7:00 PM and blue show at 10:00 PM
** No item minimum purchase required

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

It is clear why it came upon a midnight clear

When Santa Claus delivers presents in my hometown of Amarillo, Texas, he doesn't travel by reindeer. He commutes by John Deere.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night. That confused me because last night was June 12.

It came upon a midnight clear because I used Windex to clean my trifocals.

A lot of people get golden rings on the fifth day of Christmas. I got seed to feed my four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and the partridge in the pear tree.

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me a larger house so my ten lords a leaping and eight maids a milking don't have to share a bathroom.

I'm pretty sure that the wee three kings of Orient are bilingual. Otherwise instead of English, they'd be singing that song in Cantonese.

While listening to Christmas songs last night, I decided I don't like rock around the Christmas tree. But, boulders look pretty good.

You know America watches too much reality TV when you sing the Christmas song, "What Child is This" and people answer, "Honey Boo Boo."

When I auditioned for the Christmas choir, the choir leader asked me if knew, "The First Noel." I said, "No. But I know Noel Jr. and his brothers James, John, Jack, Jules and Ralph."

Being in the giving spirit does not mean you have to loan your Range Rover to a relative. I did that last Christmas Eve. Now, I'm on foot because a reindeer got ran over by a grandma.

SEE ME LIVE:

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 16 - 6:00 PM
Funny Feminists Holiday Show
Unurban Coffee House - back room stage
3301 Pico Blvd
Santa Monica, CA
** No cover
** No item minimum requirement but coffee and sandwiches/snacks available

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 29 – 8:30 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Substance Abuse Foundation
Long Beach, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

TUESDAY, JANUARY 8 – 7:00 PM
Comics on the Spot
The Warehouse
4499 Admiralty Way
Marina del Rey, CA
** $10 cover admits two
** No item minimum purchase required but food and beverage service is available

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

It's beginning to laugh a lot like Christmas

I wanted to spend the weekend decking the halls with Holly. But Holly said she has other plans.

My roommate wants to deck our halls with boughs of holly. But instead of bows, I'd rather see curtseys.

When I put the star on top of the Christmas tree, I picked a good one. I picked George Clooney.

I believe in living green. So I bought a small artificial Christmas tree this year. It's scented, and it looks really pretty hanging from my rearview mirror.

One disadvantage of being self-employed is the company Christmas party. I always know what I'm getting from my secret Santa. And my boss always knows who spiked the punch.

Last Christmas, I got a divorce. My ex-husband simply never came home after donning his gay apparel and going out to sing "Hark" with that Angel, Harold.

All I want for Christmas this year is a sound proof room where the little drummer boy can practice.

Santa is making it a list and checking itice to find out if I'm naughty or nice. All I can say is, "Santa, naughty is nice."

I love the holidays. December has more than Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanza. For example, December 27 is National Fruit Cake Day. I thought that was every day Congress convenes or whenever there's a party at Elton John's house.

December 30 is National Bicarbonate of Soda Day. Bicarbonate of Soda deserves its own day. Not only does it relieve heartburn and indigestion, it removes odor, it’s a great meat tenderizer and you can use it to polish stuff like silver and that thing on Donald Trump's head.

SEE ME LIVE


SATURDAY, DECEMBER 8 – 2:00 PM

Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Whitten Heights Assisted Living
La Habra, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at
will@millionlaughs.com

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 9 – 6:00 PM
Unurban Coffee House

3301 Pico Blvd
Santa Monica, CA
** No Cover or minimum purchase required

** Food, coffee, tea available

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 29 – 8:30 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Substance Abuse Foundation
Long Beach, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Laugh and don't worry if the rest of the world laughs with you

A stitch in time may save nine, but the seamstress will cost you ten.

I've been told a rolling stone gathers no moss. But, I want to get that confirmed by Mick Jagger.

It's been said, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But it actually just keeps Bill Gates from making a sale.

If it is better to give than to receive, who wants to give me $1 million?

There is a good reason the early bird caught the worm. The bird was first to arrive because it flew instead of taking the Hollywood freeway.

Rumor has it that for the want of a nail, a horse was lost. But, that stallion eventually was found clutching flowers and chocolates in his hooves just outside Nell the filly's stable.

If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your supervisor.

Whoever said, "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil," never had to live with my ex-husband.

People keep asking me what's on my mind. Well right now my mind is wearing a bikini because it's pageant season and tonight is the swimsuit competition.

Members of the "t" party have crossed the line. And, it's a good thing they did because it would sound dumb to call them members of the lower case "l" party.


SEE ME LIVE:

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28 – 2 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Veteran's Hospital Spinal Cord Unit
Long Beach, CA
**If If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28 – 6 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Veteran's Hospital Blind Center
Long Beach, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 8 – 2:00 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Whitten Heights Assisted Living
La Habra, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 29 – 8:30 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Substance Abuse Foundation
Long Beach, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Top Ten Things I'm Thankful for this Thanksgiving:

1. I'm thankful for every gray hair I painted red.

2. I'm thankful I'm not Donald Trump's hairdresser because I'd have to fire myself.

3. I'm thankful I've never been nominated for an Oscar so I don't have to be thankful for everyone I've ever met.

4. I'm thankful for pro choice – although it's tough trying to decide if I want my burger with or without fries.

5. I'm thankful I'm not Kim Kardashian because I get all my basketball players confused.

6. I'm thankful I'm not Mitt Romney or come February, I'd be denied the right to pay taxes.

7. I'm thankful professional football teams have gorgeous cheerleaders so on Monday nights I can get a couple of hours of peace from my husband.

8. I'm thankful I'm already an adult so I don't have to worry about growing up to be Honey Boo Boo.

9. I'm thankful I have a Smart Phone and a Smart Car so I don't have to make any decisions.

10. I'm thankful I'm old enough to know better but young enough not to care.

SEE ME LIVE:

SATURDAY - NOVEMBER 24 - 7 PM
Host - Open Mic Tribal Cafe Beverly
3253 Beverly Blvd
Los Angeles, CA
** Sign up from 6:30-8:30 PM
** Show starts promptly at 7 PM
** No cover, no minimum purchase -- but healthy food is available

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 25 - 6 PM
Unurban Coffee House - Back Room Stage
3301 Pico Blvd
Santa Monica, CA
**  Free admission
**  Coffee & food available -- but you're not obligated to purchase anything

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28 – 2 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Veteran's Hospital Spinal Cord Unit
Long Beach, CA
**If If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28 – 6 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Veteran's Hospital Blind Center
Long Beach, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 8 – 2:00 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Whitten Heights Assisted Living
La Habra, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 29 - 8:30 PM
Private Show - Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Substance Abuse Foundation
Long Beach, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

I'm thankful for the gift of laughter

Next week is Thanksgiving. This year I'm thankful my butt is almost as small as Kim Kardashian's.

Next week is Thanksgiving. I'm thankful I won't be cooking. And everyone who has ever tasted my cooking is even more thankful I'm not cooking.

In November 1620, pilgrims aboard the Mayflower just off the Massachusetts coast signed a document calling for a "body politick". The natives misunderstood, thinking they were invited to a "bawdy potluck". They called the feast Thanksgiving because they got to unload all that multi-colored corn.

President Barack Obama is facing a major dilemma. Earlier this week, he looked into the faces of members of Congress and said, "I'm not sure any of these turkeys deserve to be pardoned this Thanksgiving."

The president's concern about which turkey to pardon this year caused a flap on the House floor, causing Barack Obama to respond, "Stop ruffling your feathers Nancy Pelosi, you're still in the running."

President Barack Obama said this year he might pardon three turkeys – Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann and Nancy Pelosi. The president said, "Women and children first."

As the president pondered which turkey to pardon, he said, "A bird in hand is worth two in the bush. But the problem is we've already had two Bushes."

While President Obama verbalized his options, House Speaker John Boehner got miffed and interrupted. "Pardon me, Mr. President. . ." But before he finished his statement, the president said, "John, that ain't gonna happen."

Barack Obama still has less than fond memories of his Thanksgiving dinner last year with the Biden family. When the president started carving the turkey, Joe Biden yelled, "Ouch! Where can I get a form to file for workman's comp?"

As the Obamas and Bidens ate Thanksgiving dinner last year, they asked everyone around the table what they were thankful for that year. The vice president said, "I'm thankful for everything except these miniature onions in the peas."

After Thanksgiving dinner last year, the president secretly wished Congress would support his policies. But he knew that was never going to happen because Sasha ended up with the long end of the wish bone.

SEE ME LIVE

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 18 – 6 PM
Unurban Coffee House
3301 Pico Blvd
Santa Monica, CA
** Call the venue about cover charges and items required for purchase
** It's a small place so get there early

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 21 – NOON
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Veteran's Hospital Spinal Cord Unit
Long Beach, CA
**If If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28 – 6 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Veteran's Hospital Blind Center
Long Beach, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Laughter is important when being Ernest

WRITER'S NOTE: As we approach Veteran's Day, I'm dedicating this week's posting of Nancy Jo's Jokebox to U.S. veterans. To all of you, Happy Veteran's Day and thank you for being you.


It was as if President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden laughed at me and heckled me.

After reading that, some of my conservative friends are smugly saying, "We told you they'd turn on ya. That's whatcha git when an anti-patriot votes for one of them liberals who ain't a patriot."

Well I don't mean to put a damper on their Tea Party. But in this case, it really is all about patriotism and what comedy means to me.

It is about the importance of being Ernest and appreciating peace. You see, Ernest looks like Barack Obama without front teeth. A man known simply as De La Paz, which means of the peace in Spanish, looks like Joe Biden with more hair.

However, our heroes are about 10-20 years older than our nation's leaders. And our heroes really are heroes. Ernest was a Marine. De La Paz served in the Air Force. When I met them, they were in rare form, they were ready to laugh and loved being alive.

I knew that the moment I watched Ernest help De La Paz cut his turkey.

Our two heroes are war veterans who reside in a nursing facility at the Veteran's Administration Hospital in Long Beach.

"Thank you for being here," Ernest said earnestly. He ignored the fact De La Paz was a bit messy while quietly and peacefully chewing his turkey.

"No one comes to visit us. The people here don't feel very good, so they aren't very good company. We get lonely. We need to laugh."

Medical researchers have proven laughter really does have healing benefits. It stimulates the brain to release endorphins, which alleviate pain and stress.

While insurance doesn't cover the cost of comedy, my friends and I were at the hospital cafeteria to literally deliver a Million Laughs.

Million Laughs is a non-profit clean comedy troupe organized and operated by Will Morton and his wife, Yvonne. They are based in Whittier, CA, a suburban city east of Los Angeles. Each weekend, the troupe travels throughout the Los Angeles metropolis to places where people with special needs reside. Laughter is high on the list of those needs.

It's not for every comedian. A lot of times we perform for people who can't hear us or see us. Sometimes our audience consists of Alzheimer's patients who don't know who we are or why we are. Other times our audience members physically can't laugh or clap. But we know when our punchlines work because we can see laughs from their hearts smile through their eyes.

Personally, I have always known I was created to write comedy. However, I had to struggle with the decision to perform standup in traditional settings – primarily bars or clubs where comedy appears to be the main draw, but is really secondary to supporting the liquor industry.

Performing in these settings can devalue quality. A lot of bookers – even in clubs with famous names – have made it profitable to disrespect the talent. Comedians aren't there to be funny or even get paid. They're there to be conduits to booze sales. To get stage time, they have to bring 5-10 people, who pay $10-20 cover and have to buy a minimum of 2 over-priced drinks. One of these clubs even charges comedians $6 for a 16-oz bottle of water.

Most comedians play these clubs once or twice and then move on. That's because the clubs are degrading and bookers are abusive. Plus, the comedians run out of booze-guzzling uncles or the uncles quickly run out of money drinking in their relative's dream.

Performing for Million Laughs audiences is worth a million dollars. For a couple of hours, we get to share our God-given gift with people who need to laugh. We help them forget sorrow and suffering. We get to help them remember they are loved.

The day we performed at the nursing unit within the VA Hospital in Long Beach, Will Morton was quick to explain our purpose to Ernest, De La Paz and 18 other people, including the man who fell asleep in his wheelchair.

"This is our way of giving back to the community. We love entertaining veterans. You made a great sacrifice for our nation. Because of you, we're able to do what we do. None of the comedians get paid for doing this. So make them feel welcome because some of them don't know yet that they aren't being paid."

This prompted Ernest to get in on the act, which prompted De La Paz to laugh.

"Are they really going to be funny?" Ernest asked, amusing and entertaining himself.

Being in the armed forces enabled Ernest and De La Paz to see the world, but it was clear not even military training prepared them to experience me – a gal from Amarillo, Texas.

De La Paz stepped out of complacency and into an inquisitive state.

"Why do you talk out of the side of your mouth?" he bellowed as I began my act.

"Because I just talk so much I wore out this side," I explained, causing Ernest to chuckle and show his toothless grin. "Since I do talk out of the side of my mouth, I suggest, Mr. President, that you and the vice president move to the other side of the room so I don't spit on ya."

"That's funny," Ernest shouted. But De La Paz wasn't convinced. He still had questions.

"What is a hick and why are you a hick?"

Before I could respond with a straight answer or a joke, Ernest did what made him a hero – defend people – in this case, me.

"I think a hick is someone from the east. Maybe she's from Victorville. But today we can call it Hictorville."

Ernest shouted his remarks about Victorville, a town east of Los Angeles. I don't know if he shouted because he was adamant about his feelings concerning hicks or if he just wanted to make sure De La Paz and other aging veterans could hear him.

Usually a comedian hates hecklers. We try to ignore them or say something to bite back. But in this case, I encouraged Ernest and De La Paz to share in the frivolity. After all we were there for them because they've been there for us.


SEE ME LIVE:
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 10 – 2 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Veteran's Hospital
Westwood (L.A.), CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 15 – 9 PM
Bird on a Wire – improvisational standup
Universal Bar and Grill
4093 Lankershim Blvd
North Hollywood, CA
**$5 cover
** Food service available
** Free parking

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 16 – 8 PM
Best of L.A. Showcase
The Comedy Spot Comedy Club – Don the Beachcomber
16278 Pacific Coast Highway
Huntington Beach, CA
** $10 at the door - $5 in advance http://www.TheComedySpot.net/HB
** Two item minimum purchase required

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 21 – NOON
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Veteran's Hospital Spinal Cord Unit
Long Beach, CA
**If If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28 – 6 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Veteran's Hospital Blind Center
Long Beach, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Celebrate National Look for Circles Day

November 2 is National Look for Circles Day. I celebrate that every day! I just look in the mirror and find some under my eyes.

When I celebrate National Look for Circles Day, I just hope they're easier to find than my car keys.

Sometimes looking for car keys is a lost cause. After half an hour, my keys are still lost, and I've also lost my patience and my mind.

On November 9, 1927, giant pandas were discovered in China. They were spotted in a restaurant asking how to hold their chopsticks.

I need a new pair of shoes. But, I'm holding out for some wing-tips that will literally allow me to fly.

If I have wing-tips, when someone tells me to get the lead out, I can say, “Lead? No, I’m Mercury.”

I just hope when I get wing-tip shoes that the right shoe isn't a left-winger and the left shoe isn't a right-winger.

I’m culinarily challenged. So when I have to cook for myself, I do take out — whatever concoction I whip up is taken straight out to the trash can.

I’m trying to get over a cold. It got so bad I had to go to the doctor. He told me to cough it up. But when I went into a coughing attack, he said he didn’t mean phlegm. He meant my co-payment.

The doctor didn’t give me a clean bill of health. He gave me one stained with spaghetti sauce.

The common cold had to be in the speaker’s mind when he said, “It’s better to give than to receive.”

They say that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but so does a lack of health insurance.

SEE ME LIVE

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31 – 9 PM
The GRAWN Halloween Bash
Grawn (Gallery Row Art Walk News) Production
Diablo Billy's
114 W. 5th Street
Los Angeles, CA
** Cover Charge ($5-10)

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 4 – 1:30 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Veteran's Hospital Nursing Center
Long Beach, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 10 – 2 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Veteran's Hospital
Westwood (L.A.), CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 16 – 8 PM
Best of L.A. Showcase
The Comedy Spot Comedy Club – Don the Beachcomber
16278 Pacific Coast Highway
Huntington Beach, CA
** $10 at the door - $5 in advance http://www.TheComedySpot.net/HB
** Two item minimum purchase required

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28 – 6 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Veteran's Hospital Blind Center
Long Beach, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Pro Choice Brings Fright to Halloween

Pro Choice means having the right to pick a Halloween costume that looks like an outsourced Mitt Romney.

This Halloween I wanted to be really, really scary. So, I'm going as all the members of Congress.

This Halloween I wanted to dress like Kim Kardashian, but I couldn't round up all the accessories. I didn't have any trouble with the big butt – but all the basketball players are in pre-season training.

This Halloween I've decided to dress like Kim Kardashian because the Honey Boo Boo costume doesn't fit.

People told me I need to do a lot more writing on the fly. But, I refuse to do that because the fly won't stay still.

There's a good reason fish don't eat guacamole. They don't want to be green in the gills.

Charlie Brown is celebrating his 63rd birthday this month. That means I wouldn't make pie out of the great pumpkin because by now it's probably rotten.

I hear the little red-haired girl attended Charlie Brown's birthday party. All I can say is she could have used a good dye job.

Charlie Brown hired Shroeder to provide music at the birthday party. But Shroeder couldn't make it as arthritis in his fingers was flaring up and he couldn't get health insurance because it's a pre-existing condition.

I don't care what anybody says, we're still in a recession. If you don't believe me, consult Charlie Brown's hairline.

I can't prove this, but I'm pretty sure Charlie Brown's teacher spoke English as a second language.


SEE ME LIVE

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 28 – 2:30 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Hillcrest Care Center
Long Beach, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31 – 9 PM
The GRAWN Halloween Bash
Grawn (Gallery Row Art Walk News) Production
Diablo Billy's
114 W. 5th Street
Los Angeles, CA
** Cover Charge ($5-10)

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 4 – 1:30 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Veteran's Hospital Nursing Center
Long Beach, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 10 – 2 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Veteran's Hospital
Westwood (L.A.), CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 16 – 8 PM
Best of L.A. Showcase
The Comedy Spot Comedy Club – Don the Beachcomber
16278 Pacific Coast Highway
Huntington Beach, CA
** $10 at the door - $5 in advance http://www.TheComedySpot.net/HB
** Two item minimum purchase required

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28 – 6 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Veteran's Hospital Blind Center
Long Beach, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com


Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Human Resources Personnel Are Not Always Human

People involved in Human Resources are not always human. If they were, they would easily fall into the serial killer category. Yeppers, they kill hopes. They kill dreams. They kill careers.

In today's United States job market Human Resources (HR) employees are often ruthless. Because the seekers outnumber open positions, HR teams go overboard with fair. I just wish their fair included a Ferris Wheel, carnival games and cotton candy.

I'm among the fortunate ones. As a freelance writer, I usually get to bypass the heartless and go straight to people needing my professional skills. However, that has not always been the case. Six years ago, I personally began to feel signs of a sluggish economy while working with a county government in the Pacific Northwest. My job included a brief stint as support staff to the HR director.

It was there I learned HR experts believe people are so special they need to be issued personal identification numbers. Yep, I feel special being viewed not as a person but as a number. I was known as 942886. My boss's personal ID number was 795793, which I thought was appropriate because she was quite odd.

For the most part, my duties included screening resumes for potential employees. My boss wanted me to pick Nine out of Ten. This was tough because Ten typed better.

But the boss explained her reasoning. "If I ever get sued, I can tell the judge I didn't promote or terminate the wrong employee. Nine made a typo."

One assignment I hated involved drafting lay-off letters to almost 20 percent of the staff. While I'm a professional writer, that was tough knowing I got paid to ruin their day. But I wasn't there to make their day. I wasn't Clint Eastwood. I was there to empty the chairs Clint likes to interview.

Little did I know Clint Eastwood would soon have the opportunity to interrogate my empty chair. Indeed, my job became the lettuce on the chopping block. When I first read the layoff letter I typed and mailed to myself, I initially thought I made a typo.

How could this be possible? I worked for the number crunchers. They lay off other people. They don't crunch themselves.

However, it was true. My job was being phased out. But I was at the wrong place at the right time. Recruitment was underway for an unfilled position in another division within our department. I was encouraged to apply for an internal lateral transfer

I arrived five minutes early for the interview because HR personnel encourage applicants to do that. However, the three members of the three-member interview panel arrived five minutes late.

"We scheduled an hour for this interview, and since we're starting late, I need to urge you to be concise," 795793 said. "We have 15 questions to ask, and we want to give you every opportunity to make good use of the time we have left. It will help us evaluate your time management skills."

The panelists then wasted five minutes deciding who would get to ask which question. Number 795793 took the lead as that was her job. "I highlighted my five questions, so you can't ask number 7. Now, let's take a quick break to use the restroom. Be back in 15 minutes."

Twenty-five minutes after the scheduled time, my boss gave a five-minute presentation by introducing the other interview panelists and reviewing their credentials. I already knew them as 842443 and 894002.

"Ok, 942886, I want you to treat this seriously," 795793 stated. "The best way to do that is to pretend you're meeting us for the first time."

"OK," I said and then took a sip of bottled water.

Number 842443 moved the clock where I could see it and budget my time. "Would you like some water, 942886?"

While screwing the cap back on my bottle of H2O, I replied politely, "No, thank you."

"Well, 942886, would you mind if I get some?"

Another five minutes was wasted as the panelists left to get water.

As everyone finally gets settled, I'm thinking, "I hope the next 13 questions are this easy. If so, I'll ace this interview."

795793 then commenced to stumping me with question 7. "Have you or anyone you've ever known worked for this county agency in past or do you or anyone you've ever known currently work for this agency? If so, 942886, what did you do and what did they do?"

I was a tad worried at this point. It took 15 minutes to answer the last two questions, and question 7 could take a while because I knew everyone in the agency.

With 10 questions still on the list, my boss admitted she wanted to see me stressed. It might be a human resource tactic, but it was not humane. "Now, 942886, we're going to ask you a series of questions to see how fast you think under stressful situations. Is that OK?"

Wanting to be a team player, I said, "Sounds fun, start shooting them my way."

Talk about stress, only 10 minutes remain and there are still 10 questions to answer. I knew 795793's next question would require at least half that time. "Can we pause for a minute? After drinking all that water, 942886, I'd like to go to the restroom."

When we reconvened, the head panelist looked at her watch and said, "Gee, we're out of time aren't we? So in closing, can you provide us with seven professional and personal references? And could you e-mail us that information by the end of the day? To save time, 942886, just e-mail it to 942886."

NOTE: While this column is based on truth, a few facts were changed to protect the humor. My ID number was actually 942888.

SEE ME LIVE:
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 20 – 7 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Redgate Memorial Recovery Center
Long Beach, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 28 – 2:30 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Hillcrest Care Center
Long Beach, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31 – 9 PM
The GRAWN Halloween Bash
Grawn (Gallery Row Art Walk News) Production
Diablo Billy's
114 W. 5th Street
Los Angeles, CA
** Cover Charge ($5-10)

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 4 – 1:30 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Veteran's Hospital Nursing Center
Long Beach, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 10 – 2 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Veteran's Hospital
Westwood (L.A.), CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 16 – 8 PM
Best of L.A. Showcase
The Comedy Spot Comedy Club – Don the Beachcomber
16278 Pacific Coast Highway
Huntington Beach, CA
** $10 at the door - $5 in advance http://www.TheComedySpot.net/HB
** Two item minimum purchase required

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28 – 6 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Veteran's Hospital Blind Center
Long Beach, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

I Like This Kind of Meltdown

**NOTE: I'm taking a sabbatical this week to heal from a minor injury and rebalance some energy. So this week, I've updated and reposted my most popular post to date. It highlights my encounter with miracles and a magnificent seven-month healing experience that involved losing 85 pounds and 7 dress sizes by literally disposing of dead weight. I used to worry that sharing my awakening in a tongue-in-cheek fashion might embarrass the incredible healer who continues to help me. But, he's used to me now. So in addition to entertaining you, I hope to inspire each of you to step outside your comfort zone and become who you are meant to be. New original one-liners will fill the Jokebox next Wednesday. May your week be filled with love and laughter! Nancy Jo

If your waist size exceeds gas prices, you don't need a psychic to tell you you're heading towards tubby time.

Take that from someone viewed as vivid– someone such as me. While I've often dreamed of becoming larger than life, I never intended to become so large that I simultaneously transformed into two lives. After all, why would I want to double my pleasure and double my fun? I'm not a stick of gum – although plenty of relatives and companions have taken the liberty to chew me up, spit me out and stick me under the table.

Yep, I grew up feeling unloved and shoved aside. So early on, I developed a love affair with food. I just managed for the most part to find ways to keep the weight near the 127-pound range. It wasn't so much that I detested being dowdy. I was simply too cheap to invest in new clothes.

So imagine growing into your own. In my case, growing into my own involved blossoming into 256 pounds of pure me. Now, let's toss more pain into the dish of discomfort. I live in Hollywood where obesity experts view two out of three people as three out of four. I use that as an excuse of why my momma gave this Texas gal two first names.

Well in this amazing success story, I am the big winner in a losing battle that began 10 years ago – when I was 12 and had natural pseudo-red hair. OK, there's an element of fiction woven into this tale! But it's my story, and I'm sticking to it just like the weight used to stick to my hips.

It's a testimony of tragedy. It's also a love story. Our protagonist is misconception disguised as dead weight. In the first act, hate takes center stage and puts self-esteem in jeopardy. It is going to take insight and ingenuity in psychic proportions to heal the heart of the heroine with divine love.

It just so happens I play the lead. The supporting actor calls himself an intuitive "healer with psychic gifts as a by-product." I call him Paris because – well, that's his name. I'm not sure about his age. But if life begins at 40, I'm pretty sure he's a toddler. Plus he's in Hollywood so he needs to be that young.

As the story unfolds, I was between jobs when I headed for Cody, Wyoming, in search of fame and fortune and a free place to stay while I visited Yellowstone. Part of the deal in exchange for room and board was to step on stage as a star in a play. I thought, "I can do that! It is my destiny to become larger than life!"

My stunning performance literally shattered life as I knew it in a matter of seconds. On the second day of rehearsal, all 127 pounds of me was jostled from the stage. I'm proud to say I landed on my feet just like a cat. But, I didn't walk away gracefully with feline finesse. I didn't walk away at all. I dislocated and sustained multiple fractures to both ankles.

Surgeons took my smashed smithereens, seven hours, super glue and several screws to literally reconnect my feet to the rest of me. Three surgeries and 12 days of morphine later, experts predicted this human hardware store would never walk again. I thought perpetuity would include orthopedic shoes, a cane and patience for when all that metal sets off the TSA scanners at the airport.

Immobility put a halt to meaningful activities such as martial arts, which had kept me kicking and slightly slim. So when I had to hang up my frayed brown belt that was on the cusp of turning black, my self-esteem went down and my weight went up! It didn't stop until I tipped the scales at 256 pounds.

The downward spiral into the basement of dismay continued for a decade. I actually thought I was cursed. Nothing I tried helped. I lost my mind. I lost hope. I lost touch with my dreams. I even lost my car keys. But I never lost the weight.

An abusive family and companion compounded to the problems. I was at wit's end. That was bad since possessing wit is part of a comedy writer's job description.

Some of you are now saying, "Nancy Jo, you could have gotten rid of 128 pounds if you had just gotten rid of your companion."

My answer to that is, "Don't be cruel! My companion only weighed 118 pounds." Sheesh! Why make this a bigger issue than it is?

Fast forward to mid-February of this year when I was cast in a pilot for a possible show starring Paris the psychic healer. Scoff if you want, my family did. But, Paris saw all kinds of self-loathing, fear and pain hiding under the poundage packed into my plumpness. He pulled and tugged until I let that energy go during a half-hour made-for-TV exorcism.

The result was an honest-to-goodness spiritual awakening that lifted dead energy, a life-time of lies and images of non-loving deceit. Oddly enough, those traits literally weighed 85 pounds and took up seven dress sizes. Now when I look in the mirror each morning, I want to call the police and report an intruder because I still don't recognize me. But I'm beginning to love that image and the dreams of what the woman facing me is yet to be.

In the course of working with Paris, I have become closer to God than I have ever been in my life. Some of you will believe this story. Some of you won't. And, I really don't care where you fit in. I view this experience as miraculous. This process uncovered my heart! Years of useless, ugly decoupage was stripped away and is now being replaced with love for my creator and love for me.

After all that flab flew from my frame, I now spend a mile in solitude each day, literally walking through my neighborhood, up four flights of stairs and right beside God. I no longer need a walking cane, although I suspect I'll always raise cane. That is simply a part of my DNA makeup. Three or four times a week, I also participate in a Zumba class, where I am able to engage in almost all the full-impact exercises – with the exception of trying to shimmy. And that is only because this white girl lacks rhythm.

Amazingly, I continue to drop pounds – and dress sizes – on what I'm calling the "Casablanca Diet." That's because Humphrey Bogart would say, "We'll always have Paris."

And I don't care who knows it. I'm shouting news of my progress from the mountain top. Hey, I can't afford to be humble. I need to buy some smaller clothes. And I don't need a psychic –or a healer – to tell me clothes are more expensive than gas prices.

** Nancy Jo's Note: The facts of this essay and psychic healer Paris are real. If you think he could help you unload dead weight, leave a comment here, join me Facebook or e-mail nperdue@ca.rr.com with Nancy Jo's Jokebox in the subject line. Messages will be forwarded to Paris's staff.

SEE ME LIVE
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 13 – 8 PM
PRIVATE SHOW – Million Laughs
Substance Abuse Foundation
Long Beach, CA
** NOTE: To book Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe for your event, email Will Morton at http://www.Millionlaughs.com

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31 – 9 PM The Grawn DTLA Halloween Bash
GRAWN production
Diablo Billy's
114 W. 5th Street
Los Angeles, CA
** Details to come

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 16 – 8 PMBest of L.A. Comedy Showcase
The Comedy Spot Comedy Club – Don the Beachcomber
16278 Pacific Coast Highway
Huntington Beach, CA
$10 at the door - $5 advance
** Two item minimum purchase required
http://www.TheComedySpot.net/HB

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

That's open for debate Mr. Candidate

A high school principal in Tooele, Utah, spent the past few days apologizing to dozens of students turned away from the homecoming dance for wearing skirts above the knee. And those students just included the boys.

Mitt Romney says his plan to slash taxes another 20 percent for the wealthy will generate the same amount of revenue that is being generated now. That's true because 20 percent of zero is zero.

Paul Ryan said sometimes points don't get made the right way. Maybe he should turn his compass around so North points upward.

Mitt Romney wants to extend the deadline for receiving ballots from overseas voters. Does this mean now that he's outsourced jobs, he wants to outsource voting?

Mitt Romney supporters said Barack Obama has failed to adequately juice up the U.S. economy. The president's staff said that's a lie. The economy gets juiced every day when June Shannon buys large quantities of Mountain Dew and Red Bull for Honey Boo Boo's Go-Go Juice.

Ann Romney said having five boys makes Mitt well prepared for presidential candidate debates. Mrs. Romney said that means her husband will do well as long as he doesn't have to stop and ask for directions.

Federal government officials said September ended with an 8.1 percent unemployment rate. That figure is expected to climb to 11.9 percent by this time next week because two couples are going to be voted off "Dancing With the Stars."

The federal government is now flying Mexican deportees back across the border. Officials are imposing a luggage law though – all deportees must fit safely and securely in the overhead bin.

Smithsonian Channel executives decided not t show air a documentary on a papyrus fragment showing Jesus had a wife because some people don't think Jesus had a wife. For their next act, the opponents are going to demand to see Jesus's birth certificate.

I can't prove this, but I'm pretty sure Charlie Brown's teacher spoke English as a second language.


SEE ME LIVE
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 13 – 8 PM PRIVATE SHOW – Million Laughs
Substance Abuse Foundation
Long Beach, CA
** NOTE: To book Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe for your event, email Will Morton at http://www.Millionlaughs.com

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31 – 9 PM The Grawn DTLA Halloween Bash
GRAWN production
Diablo Billy's
114 W. 5th Street
Los Angeles, CA
** Details to come

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 16 – 8 PMBest of L.A. Comedy Showcase
The Comedy Spot Comedy Club – Don the Beachcomber
16278 Pacific Coast Highway
Huntington Beach, CA
$10 at the door - $5 advance
** Two item minimum purchase required
http://www.TheComedySpot.net/HB

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Creation Project Is Evolving

There is a Creation Museum in Kentucky. As a tourist destination, it is starting to evolve.

A new poll shows NASCAR fans are turning away from Mitt Romney and towards President Obama. I'm not surprised because NASCARs always turn left.

If presidential candidates were contestants on "Dancing with the Stars", they wouldn't be doing the tango or samba. Their popularity would be determined by a poll dance.

If presidential candidates were on "Dancing with the Stars", you wouldn't see any Texas Two-Stepping, but you would see a lot of side-stepping.

Forty people working in an Apple iPhone factory in China were injured in a labor dispute. Mitt Romney said his foreign policy would involve calling an ambulance to take the workers to the emergency room.

Officials in Zimbabwe are having a major sewage problem and asking people to flush their toilets simultaneously twice a week to clear the pipes. Their sewage would be even more backed up if they had to deal with stuff being slung by U.S. presidential candidates.

Republicans researching voter fraud discovered less than one-tenth of 1 percent of all registered voters in Colorado and Florida commit fraud. The Republicans are sad because they were counting on fraudulent voters to win in November.

Mitt Romney said Barack Obama "will weaken our economy and turn us into Greece." Well, this country could use a good John Travolta movie.

October 2 is National Name Your Car Day. I'm naming my Chevrolet Cobalt Ferrari.

In October, Charlie Brown of "Peanuts" fame will celebrate his 62nd birthday. Shroeder was booked to provide party entertainment. But he had to cancel because the arthritis in his fingers is flaring up.


SEE ME LIVE
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26 – 9 PM
Acoustic Music & Laughs at Diablo Billy's
GRAWN production
Diablo Billy's
114 W. 5th Street
Los Angeles, CA
$5 cover – free before 9 pm

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 29 – 6 PM
PRIVATE SHOW – Million Laughs
Joseph House
Santa Ana, CA
** NOTE: To book Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe for your event, email Will Morton at http://www.Millionlaughs.com

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 13 – 8 PM
PRIVATE SHOW – Million Laughs
Substance Abuse Foundation
Long Beach, CA
** NOTE: To book Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe for your event, email Will Morton at http://www.Millionlaughs.com

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 16 – 8 PM
Best of L.A. Comedy Showcase
The Comedy Spot Comedy Club – Don the Beachcomber
16278 Pacific Coast Highway
Huntington Beach, CA
$10 at the door - $5 advance
* Two item minimum purchase required
http://www.TheComedySpot.net/HB


CHECK OUT OTHER SITES FEATURING NANCY JO'S WORK

Hearld de Paris - Human Resources Aren't Very Human

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

A "Z" is one of Rip Van Winkle's favorite things

"Z! That's one of Rip Van Winkle's favorite things.

"Something Wicked This Way Comes," is what Ray Bradbury wrote when he tried to tip me off that my mother-in-law was approaching.

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, OUCH," said the nose that connected with the fist of the boxer who was too impatient to count to ten.

If the cat has got your tongue, I'm pretty sure your tongue is rough.

Whoever said "Give me an inch and I'll take a mile," was probably my hairdresser.

"A penny saved is a penny earned unless you only make $249,999.99 cents," the greedy politician said taxingly.

Does it take more than two to tango if both dancers have two left feet?

"I don't trust him any further than I can throw him," is what the pitcher said when he tossed out the first politician in the game.

"Somewhere Over the Rainbow," is not a good clue for where to look for your car keys.

Moss is not the only thing the Rolling Stone doesn't gather. Mick Jagger also doesn't get any satisfaction.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Who's that sitting in that empty chair?

President Obama said he wants to focus on producing better products and improving exports – specifically he wants to export Republicans in Congress.

Mitt Romney offered a five-point plan to create 12 million jobs. The only drawback is the work force would have a long commute to India.

Clint Eastwood said everyone but the janitor had advice regarding his speech at the Republican National Convention. That's because the janitor is a Democrat.

Clint Eastwood contends he never intended to speak to an empty stool and pretend it was the president. Clint wanted to interview a real person, but it was past Honey Boo Boo's bedtime.

Paul Ryan says states should decide if medical marijuana should be legal, leading some folks to believe Ryan is not against pot, which is why he's the vice candidate.

Bob Woodward's new book, "The Price of Politics", indicates President Obama was so angry with House Republicans regarding a budget agreement that the president wanted to smash a telephone receiver. Obama said that wasn't true because he uses an Iphone.

A lot of people think Paul Ryan is simply talking out of the side of his mouth when he flip flops on the issues. I'd say these people are wrong. Ryan talks out of both sides of his mouth.

Chicago teachers are on strike. Specifically, they're holding out for better pay, job security and a day off with Ferris Bueller.

Mitt Romney took advantage of the Chicago teachers' strike to accuse Barack Obama of rooting for absent educators. Well, those educators aren't absent. They're just invisible like the president was when Clint Eastwood interviewed him.

September 13 is Defy Superstition Day and National Fortune Cookie Day. I think I'll defy superstition by eating a fortune cookie.

SEE ME LIVE
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 29 - 6:30 PMPrivate Show - Million Laughs
Joseph House
Santa Ana, CA
** To book Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe for your event, contact Will Morton at http://www.Millionlaughs.com

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 13 - 8:30 PMPrivate Show – Million Laughs
Substance Abuse Foundation
Long Beach, CA
** To book Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe for your event, contact Will Morton at http://www.Millionlaughs.com

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 16 - 8 PMBest of L.A. Comedy Showcase
The Comedy Spot Comedy Club/Don the Beachcomber
16278 Pacific Coast Highway
Huntington Beach, CA
DETAILS TO COME
http://wwww.TheComedySpot.net/HB

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Honey Boo Boo Upstages Democrats

While Democrats and Republicans are totally at opposite ends on political issues, those attending their respective conventions have something in common. They all managed to escape having to endure an appearance by Donald Trump.

When the Democratic Convention kicked off, President Obama was trailing slightly behind Mitt Romney in popularity polls. The president said, "Well if I'm behind him, he'd have to be a contortionist to stab me in the back."

Some TV critics contend that people aren't interested in America's future or more people would have watched the opening night of the Democratic Convention. If youth are our future, people do care because millions tuned in to watch "Honey Boo Boo."

Some Democrats are circulating a petition to get Betty White to speak at the convention. She said she usually stays out of political battles. But she's thinks it would be cool to go to Charlotte because right now, she's "Hot in Cleveland".

The Social Security Administration recently purchased 174,000 hollow-point bullets. Agency leaders said 173,999 of the bullets are for the 295 agents who investigate Social Security fraud. The other bullet is for Barney Fife.

NASA scientists said that after 35 years, Voyager 1 is on the edge of the solar system and on the verge of heading for the stars. The scientists said the reason it is taking so long is because Los Angeles traffic backs up for years near Tom Cruise's house.

Voyager 1 was launched 35 years ago with 68 kilobytes of computer memory. It also is equipped with an eight-track tape player that features David Bowie's "Space Oddity".

A man in Darien, New York, tried to swallow counterfeit $50 bills after he was caught trying to use one of the bills to buy French Fries. Talk about put your money where your mouth is.

September 5 is National Be Late for Something Day. Well, it's actually September 4. We're just celebrating September 5 so we can be late for something.

I was thinking of having chicken cacciatore for dinner, but I don't know how to catch a tory.

FYI, possums run pretty darn fast unless they're playing possum.

SEE ME LIVE

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 29 - 6:30 PM
Private Show - Million Laughs
Joseph House
Santa Ana, CA
** To book Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe for your event, contact Will Morton at http://www.Millionlaughs.com












SATURDAY, OCTOBER 13 - 8:30 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs
Substance Abuse Foundation
Long Beach, CA
** To book Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe for your event, contact Will Morton at http://www.Millionlaughs.com



FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 16 - 8 PM
Best of L.A. Comedy Showcase
The Comedy Spot Comedy Club/Don the Beachcomber
16278 Pacific Coast Highway
Huntington Beach, CA
** DETAILS TO COME
www.Thecomedyspot.net/HB

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

September is a Silly Month

September 3 people throughout the United States will be celebrating Labor Day. Snookie celebrated last week. In a couple of years, she plans to let Madonna adopt the party favor.

September 8 is National Date Nut Bread Day. I celebrated that last year and refuse to do it again. That nut bread didn't even thank me for taking it to dinner.

September 13 is National Defy Superstition Day and National Fortune Cookie Day. I think I'll defy superstition by eating a fortune cookie.

California recently had a swarm of earthquakes. Some people are worried it's leading up to the big one. But it was just the response to the news of Snookie becoming a mom.

Some people think the Republicans are being punished by the hurricane because God is angry. They are being punished, but it's because they're cursed with witches brew made with the eye of Newt Gingrich.

Donald Trump didn't go to the Republican Convention. Everyone is blaming it on Hurricane Isaac. The Donald didn't want the storm to blow off his hair.

I'm kind of sad he didn't show up because he was supposed to deliver a surprise. He was going to tell everyone that Mitt Romney has a great chance of winning if he gets votes from all the Kardashians.

I'm just joking. The surprise was he was going to announce he wanted to fire all the Democrats in Congress.

Everyone is saying things are a lot quieter than at past GOP conventions. That's because the speakers who did show up are even more boring than Donald Trump.

The Donald wants to change the meaning of GOP from Grand Old Party to Good Obdurate Profiteers.

Does dressing for success mean having to have Donald Trump hair?

SEE ME LIVE:

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 1- 1:30 pm
Million Laughs Show
Park Regency Retirement Residence
La Habra, CA
* Private show
** NOTE:  For information to book the Million Laughs Comedy Troupe for your charity fundraiser or corporate event, contact Will or Yvonne Morton at www.Millionlaughs.com












SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 2 – 1:30 pm
Million Laughs Show
Veterans Hospital
Long Beach, CA
* Private Show
** NOTE: For information to book the Million Laughs Comedy Troupe for your charity fundraiser or corporate event, contact Will or Yvonne Morton at www.Millionlaughs.com


SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 2 – 7 pm
Million Laughs Show
Whittier First Day Homeless Recovery Program
Whittier, CA
* Private Show
** NOTE: For information to book the Million Laughs Comedy Troupe for your charity fundraiser or corporate event, contact Will or Yvonne Morton at www.Millionlaughs.com



MONDAY – SEPTEMBER 3 – 7 pm
Comics on The Spot Show
The Warehouse
4499 Admiralty Way
Marina del Rey, CA
* $10 cover – but two people admitted for the price of one
** No minimum item purchase requirement (But they have pretty seafood)











WEDNESDAY – SEPTEMBER 5 – 6:30 pm
Million Laughs Show
Veterans Hospital Blind Center
Long Beach, CA
* Private Show
** NOTE: For information to book the Million Laughs Comedy Troupe for your charity fundraiser or corporate event, contact Will or Yvonne Morton at www.Millionlaughs.com

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Phyllis Diller will always make me laugh

A number of people have asked me my views concerning the passing of Phyllis Diller. One of the world's greatest comedic talents left Earth August 20. But, she is alive and in a better place. Sure, her physical presence will be missed. Yet, I'm happy because Phyllis. Diller no longer has to endure corporate greed, religious fanatics who fail to practice what they preach and dumb decisions made by Congress. She's busy making our creator and the angels laugh, and her laughter will continue to shine inspiration on my heart, enabling me to ignite a dream.

Phyllis Diller was inspiring for many reasons. She proved you don't have to be young and lovely to be successful or to begin a career. She paved the way for women in a man's world. She made a lot of people laugh when they had reasons to cry.

I became a fan when I was a school girl. I never got to meet her or see her perform live. But, I was blessed to connect with a mentor, Emmy Award winning writer Gene Perret, who credits Phyllis Diller with giving him a career break. So to some extent, Phyllis Diller is the Kevin Bacon of comedy writers. Her influence and talent touches all of us in some way.

I think the best way I can pay honor to this truly amazing woman is to attempt to keep her legacy alive by writing the best comedy possible and sharing it with the world. This week, I'd like to offer a Top Ten List of Moby Dick Jokes that I wrote to pay tribute to Phyllis Diller and her fictitious mother-in-law who supposedly was as large as a whale.

10. Once she stood on a street corner wearing a blue dress and race horses stopped to graze because they thought she was Kentucky.

9. On days she wears a blue dress, the Thunderbirds cancel air shows because the stunt pilots can't tell if they're flying right side up or upside down.

8. Moby Dick's cooking is so bad neighborhood dogs had the health department close down her trash cans.

7. Once she stood on a street corner wearing a blue dress and Jesus tried to walk on her.

6. When she wore a blue dress, King Kong mistook her for his jar of Noxema and tried to twist off her head.

5. Once she stood on a street corner wearing a blue dress and Chicken Little yelled, "The sky has fallen."

4. Once she stood on a street corner in a blue dress. Well part of her did. The rest of her extended into the next five blocks.

3. Moby Dick's cooking is so bad that when it's time to set the table, the dish runs away with the spoon.

2. When she wore a blue dress to the beach, instead of building a sand castle next to her, some kid developed an entire sand subdivision.

1. Once she stood on a street corner wearing a blue dress and a realtor sold the corner as ocean front property – in Arizona.


SEE ME LIVE:

FRIDAY, AUGUST 24 – 8 pm (doors open at 6 pm)
Best of L.A. Comedy Showcase
The Comedy Spot Comedy Club – AKA – Don the Beachcomber
16278 Pacific Coast Highway
Huntington Beach, CA
** Go online to order 1/2 –price tickets
** $10 at the door
** Two item minimum purchase (Seafood reported to be delicious


SATURDAY, AUGUST 25 – 2pm
Million Laughs Comedy Troupe
Private Show – Assisted Living Facility
La Habra, CA
*** NOTE: For information on booking Million Laughs Comedy Troupe for your charity or corporate event, contact www.Millionlaughs.com


SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 2 – 1:30 pm
Million Laughs Comedy Troupe
Private Show – Veterans Hospital
Long Beach, CA
*** NOTE: For information on booking Million Laughs Comedy Troupe for your charity or corporate event, contact www.Millionlaughs.com


MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 3 – 7 pm
Comics on the Spot
The Warehouse
4499 Admiralty Way
Marina del Rey, CA
** $10 – or two for one cover
** No item minimum purchase required (Seafood reported to be delicious)

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Move on Back, Mr. President

When Mitt Romney was in college he impersonated a police officer by dressing up, attaching a red light to a white Rambler and pulling people over to issue tickets. What was he thinking? I can't believe he drove a white Rambler.

The Morman Church reportedly invests money collected from tithing and donations to develop shopping malls. Architecturally speaking, this gives a whole new meaning to bridging The Gap.

Clowns attending a Clown Convention had a chance to test and practice some of their skills. For some clowns, the unplanned exam on balloon animal twisting literally was a pop quiz.

If you think God moves in strange ways, you should see the members of my Zumba class.

President Obama is touring Ohio in a customized bus. I understand the Secret Service officials are making the president ride in the back of the bus.

My friend pointed out that some members of the tea party are sour pusses. Maybe they just need a new tea recipe – one with a little less lemon and a lot more honey.

Just so you'll know, a stitch in time may save nine. But it will not guarantee you won't rip your britches again.

You can call me crazy if you wish. But last night, I saw a UFO. I went to get some ice cream, and when I opened my freezer, I found all kinds of unidentified frozen objects.

I recently lost 80 pounds. To keep it off, I made a vow never to buy anything unless it's on my grocery list. My friend scoffed and said, "Santa Claus has a list and checks it twice, but he's still fat."

My ex-husband used to accuse me of buying everything in the store when I'm hungry. I never did that. Everything wouldn't fit in our Mini-Cooper.

NANCY JO'S PERFORMANCE SCHEDULE:

SATURDAY, AUGUST 18 – 7 pm
Million Laughs Comedy Troupe
Women's Shelter
Near Bellflower, CA
*** PRIVATE SHOW
NOTE: For information on booking Million Laughs Comedy Troupe for your charity or corporate event, contact www.Millionlaughs.com



FRIDAY, AUGUST 24 – 8 pm (doors open at 6 pm)
Best of L.A. Comedy Showcase
The Comedy Spot Comedy Club – AKA – Don the Beachcomber
16278 Pacific Coast Highway
Huntington Beach, CA
** Go online to order 1/2 –price tickets
** $10 at the door
** Two item minimum purchase (Seafood reported to be delicious



MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 3 – 7 pm
Comics on the Spot
The Warehouse
4499 Admiralty Way
Marina del Rey, CA
** $10 – or two for one cover
** No item minimum purchase required (Seafood reported to be delicious)

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

What kind of music does the Lap Band play?

After reading the news this week, I wondered what type of people would view the "Do Unto Others" rule as an excuse to cheat, insult and hurt other people. Then I realized those people are called members of Congress.

NASA has heard from the men on Mars. But there's still no word from Venus because women there are still standing in line for the restroom.

NASA scientists have discovered that the snake plant absorbs nitrogen oxide and formaldehyde to purify air in your home. It makes total sense to me to beautify my environment and breathe easier with a snake plant, considering I once shared living space with a human snake.

Ex-porn star Jenna Jameson is endorsing Mitt Romney for president. I think that's appropriate. After all, they both support obscene business practices.

Quite frankly, I wasn't surprised when ex-porn star Jenna Jameson decided to endorse Mitt Romney because opposites attract. In this case, he supports outsourcing. She supports insourcing.

Ex-porn star Jenna Jameson said if people are rich they should vote to put a Republican in the White House. Well, that would mean Romney only has 1 percent of the vote, which – if you do the math – is enough to buy the office.

I was told I should consider The Lap Band. But, I'm not sure I like their music.

Someone asked me if I ever wrote any hot checks. I said, "No, but I used to write to a couple of hunks in Alaska."

I was told I need to take stock in America. But, cattle rustling is illegal.

I lost 77 pounds working with a spiritual healer with psychic powers. I knew he had psychic powers when he said he saw me coming from 20 feet away – all 256 pounds of me, wearing a bright red dress.

SEE ME LIVE

SATURDAY, AUGUST 11 – 9 pm
Comedy Etc Variety Show
Tribal Café Beverly
3253 Beverly Blvd
Los Angeles, CA (near Silver Lake neighborhood)
* No admission – but you should buy some healthy food
http://www.tribalcomedy.blogspot.com

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 3 – 7:30 pm
Comics on the Spot
The Warehouse
4499 Admiralty Way
Marina del Rey, CA
* $10 or two for one
** No item purchase required – but the seafood is good here

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

August brings UFO sightings

hI would like to contact a numerology expert. I want them to analyze the name of Pythagoras to determine how his character adds up.

They say good things come in sets of three. In this case, in three more months, dirt will settle from the election campaign.

I'm convinced some pro baseball players think they're holier than thou. Otherwise when they go from first to second base, they would uphold the commandment "Thou shalt not steal."

You can call me crazy if you want, but I saw UFOs last night. Yeppers, I opened my freezer and saw all kinds of unidentified frozen objects.

I always thought big butts ran in my family. But then I realized the reason they're big is because they don't run at all. They amble.

In Los Angeles, people are obsessed with being skinny. If you believe obesity experts there, two out of three people are really three out of four.

I'm so glad I don't have a job that requires me to punch a time clock. That would hurt my knuckles.

I consider myself a new age woman. Since I do, I'm declaring my new age as 27.

A very wise friend of mine told me I need to remember communication starts with listening. I think that's what he said, but I'm not sure because I wasn't listening.

My sister spends hours in the bathroom teasing her hair. Personally, I think that's a waste of time. My sister is a blond, so her hair isn't going to get her jokes.

SEE ME LIVE

FRIDAY, AUGUST 3 – 9 pm
Neon Venus Art Theater
The Bucket List Comedy Review
7023 Melrose Ave
West Hollywood, CA 90038
** $10 at the door

SATURDAY, AUGUST 11 – 9 pm
The Tribal Cafe Beverly
3253 Beverly Blvd,
Los Angeles, CA 90057
Open Mic: 7:00pm - 9:30pm.
Booked Show: 9:35pm - 10:05pm.
Comedy Etc: FEATURED GUESTS
Musical Guest: Rags Moody II
Feature Comic: Nancy Jo Perdue
Headliner: John Clark
** Free admission (But the food is inexpensive, healthy & delicious here)
http://tribalcomedy.blogspot.com/
http://la.eater.com/archives/2012/05/30/tribal_cafe_opens_new_location_in_sila_more_to_come.php

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 3 - 7 PM
Comics on the Spot
The Warehouse
4499 Admiralty Way
Marina del Rey
** $10 or two admitted for price of one
** No item minimum purchase required (but they have delicious seafood)

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Mitt Romney Wants to Find White House Leaks

Mitt Romney is calling for an outside investigation into a leak at the White House. I hope he remembers timing is everything because getting a leak fixed on a weekend means double-time for a plumber.

If Mitt Romney has to pay for the outside investigation into a possible leak at the White House, it could take awhile -- especially if he depends on his own way of doing things. That means the plumbers would have to travel here from India.

Mitt Romney mostly has conducted his election campaign by criticizing a soft economy. But that's OK because Democrats contend the president is consistent. They say unlike Romney, Barack Obama also has a soft heart.

The Olympics get underway this weekend. I love the field and track events because they feature short, quick races. Too bad the presidential candidates can't follow suit in their race.

August starts next week. I love August. It features really great holidays. For example, August 21 is Senior Citizen's Day. It's greatly endorsed by The AARP – The Arthritis Alleviation Remedies Program.

I'm looking forward to being a senior citizen. I want to retire and make an Olympic-size move to Florida. Yep, I want to spend my golden years with silver hair and a bronze tan.

I'm looking forward to being a senior citizen so I can do things I've never had time to do such as playing Bingo, visiting the grandchildren and traveling to Canada for cheap prescriptions.

I don't know why people refer to senior citizens as old because a lot of them have new hips, new knees and new teeth.

August 22 is Be an Angel Day. It has been suggested that I observe it by not writing any more cruel jokes about senior citizens.

President Obama celebrates his birthday in August. The president said he's hoping his presents include a copy of his birth certificate because his is getting ragged.

August 25 is Kiss and Make Up Day. I wonder how Gene Simmons plans to celebrate.


SEE ME LIVE:

FRIDAY, AUGUST 3 – 9:30 pm
The Bucket List Comedy Revue
Neon Venus Art Theater
7023 Melrose Ave
Hollywood, CA 90038
323-867-7973
$10 at the door
No item minimum purchase required




Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Eat your way to laughter


It's been said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. But, the way to take his breath away is an upper-cut punch to his solar plexus.

I used to have a date every Saturday night. Now, I have a papaya.

I've always wondered why half-and-half never adds up to a whole.

Spilled milk makes people cry. So if you spill half-and-half, will you only cry out of one eye?

While dining in a Chinese restaurant, I couldn't resist asking the server if the dim sum could add for itself.

I got kicked out of the Chinese restaurant when I asked the server if the spring rolls were still fresh in the midst of summer.

When I went to the county fair, I entered the cooking competition with four and 20 blackbirds baked in a pie. Well, I wanted to become the feather-weight champion.

Where I come from, the no running in the house rule includes water.

Where I come from, pro choice means deciding if you want your country-fried steak with brown or cream gravy.

Nutrition experts say that country-fried steak ain't healthy. So, I suggest you start ordering suburban-fried steak.


SEE ME LIVE

FRIDAY, JULY 20 – 8 pm
Friday Night Live
St. Bede's Episcopal Church – Luther Hall (parish hall)
3590 Grand View Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90066
** No cover
** Clean show



SATURDAY, JULY 21 – 8 pm
Cathy Lewis Show
World Famous Comedy Store – Belly Room
8433 W. Sunset Blvd
West Hollywood, CA
** $10 cover, 2-drink minimum purchase required

 

FRIDAY, AUGUST 3 - 9 pm
Neon Venus Art Theater
The Bucket List Comedy Review
7023 Melrose Ave
West Hollywood, CA 90038
** $10 at the door, no minimum item purchase required



Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Will those jobs grow next to the money tree?

Physicists in Geneva recently discovered particles that determine the size and shape of things. They're called "God particles". That's amazing! I always thought they were called Twinkies.

Republican leaders said we need what they describe as a plan "to grow jobs." I'm wondering if they'll grow on trees or vines. Well, we know a Bush won't work.

Unfortunately down-sizing seems to be the American way these days. So, I've decided to join the trend – and start with my hips.

July 13 is Embrace Your Geekness Day. It you attend any celebrations, don't be surprised if party favors are Apples.

July 15 is Cow Appreciation Day. I'm proud to say I appreciate cows. In fact, I'm half vegetarian. I only eat corn-fed beef.

July 15 is Cow Appreciation Day. So, I've decided to date a cowboy. Last time I did that he took me to watch the big cattle drive. They did pretty good until they took their hooves off the steering wheel.

July 26 is National All or Nothing Day. Well, I'm going for the nothing part. I figure why buy a Smart Phone until I can get a good deal on one that comes with a fifth-grader.

I heard an attorney for clients afflicted by prescriptions say, "Call me if you experienced a heart attack, a stroke or death." All I can say is I hope mobile phone plans in Heaven offer free any-time minutes.

I heard cleanliness was next to Godliness. So I went on a cleaning spree. The first thing I cleaned out was my husband's wallet.

Growing up it was all clean and no dirt in my home as my mom was a clean freak. In fact, when our housekeeper came to work, she had to bring her own dust.

One time mom made us bathe the dog until he was spotless. Woofy hated that because he was a Dalmation.

SEE ME LIVE:

FRIDAY, JULY 20, 2012  – 8:00 pm
Friday Night Live
St. Bede's Episcopal Church - Luther Hall (parish hall)
3590 Grand View Blvd.
West Los Angeles, CA  90066
** No cover, No booze, free parking, free snacks
**** Clean show!





SATURDAY, JULY 21 – 8 pm
The Comedy Store – Belly Room
8433 W. Sunset Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 98869
** $10 cover & 2 item beverage purchase required