Someone asked me how to become rich in Hollywood. Well, my advice is work hard, don't give up and become a Kardashian.
While the unemployment rate is still really high, I'm fortunate to be working. The only problem is I have a really, really stupid boss. It's scary because I'm self-employed.
I'm a writer. I used to write newspaper obituaries. On my resume, I put ghost writer.
I recently joined the company car pool to conserve energy. Fortunately, I don't have far to commute because I work at home.
I've never been very good at relationships. I'm thinking it's because up until a few months ago, I had to work nights, weekends and street corners. (I'm joking. I've never worked weekends in my life.)
I used to have a job on the street corner. I'm kind of glad I got fired from that job. I just wish the monkey would have let me keep the accordion.
I'm not sure I believe in love at first sight – especially if love is blind.
I don't know why I've never found true love because I'm a sweetheart! I am so sweet that my beehive hairdo has real bees.
A bride needed something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. I made her blue by giving her a new perspective on married life and by loaning her my 85-year-old mother-in-law.
I thought about getting a divorce, but then I remembered that due to the pre-nupt agreement, my spouse would get the house, and I'd get my mother-in-law.