Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions for 2012

1. I resolve to stop making jokes about Donald Trump's hair until it strikes me as funny again.

2. I resolve to quit being jealous of Rick Perry's perfect hair because it isn't red enough for me.

3. I resolve not to make fun of Sarah Palin again until maybe next week.

4. I resolve not to make fun of Michele Bachmann until she says something stupid.

5. I resolve not to eat watermelon when it's not in season.

6. I resolve to try not to redecorate my bathroom next time I dye my hair.

7. I resolve to lose a few pounds if someone buys me a ticket to go shopping in England.

8. I resolve to eat less chocolate until I replenish my supply.

9. I resolve to pay taxes until someone gives me $250,000.

10. I resolve to convince my mother-in-law to go home.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Congress needs some Christmas cheer

A nasty cold that has been going around has been teasing me for a week. I wish it would either stop or get better jokes.

They say the best things in life are free. I guess that explains why Congress is refusing to pay for services that actually help people.

Producers of "Survivor" already are planning for their 24th season. I wish they would plan a Congressional version where an elected official could be voted out of office each week.

Personally, I think we should not rule out Herman Cain as a GOP presidential candidate contender. I really think he could win if all his women voted for him.

Sarah Palin says it's not too late for someone to jump into the Republican presidential race. I hope the someone is either the Ghost of Christmas Past, Christmas Present or Christmas Future so that goblin can haunt all the Congressional Ebenezer Scrooges.

My husband wanted to spend the week watching Christmas movies. I told him I didn't want to see a "Miracle on 34th Street". I want to see a miracle on Pennsylvania Avenue.

It's time to think about making New Year's resolutions. I'm resolving not to watch any more Republican presidential candidate debates.

In some countries, the day after Christmas is known as Boxing Day. In the United States, that is every day President Obama has to deal with Congress.

The reason Santa can deliver toys though out the world in one night is because he believes in himself. Hey, you'd have to have a lot of self-confidence to go out in public dressed in a red velvet flight suit.

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. That's because just before nightfall, the cat put an end to the mouse.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Caught up in the chocolate syndicate

It looked like a chocolate convention. All the power bars were present, neatly placed around the table for what could have been the sugar rush of the millennium.

Only the M&Ms were missing. They couldn't decide if Red or Blue should run their organized family.

It was Don Hersheoni who called the meeting to order. His right-hand body guard bar, Ressiano Cupini stayed close to the chocolate patriarch's side.

"I, Don Hersheoni, want to thank Don Nestleoni for helping me organize this meeting here today. I also welcome the other heads of the five chocolate families. From Nashville, we have Googoo Cluseterino. From the West Coast, we have Don Seesino. And, we have our associates from the interplanetary syndicate – Mars Bariano and Milky Wayini. Thank you!

"How did things ever get this far? I don't know. It's so unfortunate, so unnecessary for the feds to assume we're behind the reason their children are chunky. Because of it, Don Nestlenoi's son got crunched. I, too, lost a family member close to my heart when my nephew, Almondo Joiano, was done in because some senator's son had an allergic reaction to nuts.

"This chocolate war stops now! And if Kit Katsini and his impersonator Kit Katsiano agree, then I'm willing to let things go on the way they were before."

Don Nestleoni cracked his rice knuckles as Don Katsini offered his response.

"We're all grateful to Don Hersheoni for calling this meeting. We know him as a chocolate bar of his word. A modest bar, he'll always listen to reason."

But Googoo Clusterino had not stayed in business by remaining silent. He had to offer his caramel-coated comments.

"Yes, Don Hersheoni is too modest. He had all the FDA dieticians and holiday promoters in his wrapper and refused to share them."

"When did I refuse an accommodation?" Don Hersheoni asked. "All of you know me here. When did I ever refuse, except one time? For what? Because high-fat milk and saturated fat in our products are going to destroy us in years to come.

"I mean it's not like bagged spinach with e-coli or lettuce harvested from soil with traces of bacteria. Fresh green roughage is something most people want now days, and some of it has been ordered off the shelves by the USDA.

"Even the health departments and the holiday promoters who have assisted us in the past will all refuse to help us when it comes to chocolate with a high-fat, high-sugar content. I believed that when I saw that senator's preadolescent son inflate to 200 pounds. And, I believe that now."

Mars Bariano could not resist offering his intergalactic view of current day consumption.

"Times have changed. It's not like the old days when we could use any ingredients we wanted. A refusal is not an act of a friend. If Don Hersheoni has all the FDA dieticians and holiday promoters in his wrapper, then he must share them, let others use them. He must let us draw the chocolate from the vat."

However, Don Seesino had always considered his family to be of superior quality. He wanted to make sure his assorted chocolate family continued to exude temptation.

"I also do not believe in empty calories. For years, I paid my William Wonkarinos extra so they wouldn't use anything but the best goobers and fruit in our products. Then, Whitman Sampliano's flunky comes to them and says, 'Hey fellows, if you put up three or four thousand dollars for store brand peanut butter and crisp rice cereal, we can make fifty thousand distributing at holidays.' So my Willies can't resist."

Milky Wayini also viewed himself as a chocolate bar of star quality. He wanted assurance Don Seesino wouldn't try to compete with Milky Wayini Enterprises.

"I want to control it as a business and keep it respectable. I don't want our bars near schools. I don't want Hersheoni Kisses sold to children. In my galaxy, we would keep the traffic to dark chocolate lovers, the colored lovers. They're animals anyway, so let them lose their souls."

Don Hersheoni got the meeting back on track.

"I hoped that we could come here and reason together. And as a reasonable chocolate bar, I'm willing to do whatever is necessary to find a peaceful solution to this problem."

"Then we all agree," Mars Bariano confirmed. "The traffic of chocolate candy will be permitted, but controlled. And, Don Hersheoni will give us protection, and there will be peace."

"But I must have strict assurance from Don Hersheoni," Don Clusterino said with a drawl. "As time goes by and his position becomes stronger, will he attempt any individual vendetta?"

"Look, we are all reasonable chocolate bars here," Don Nestleoni bellowed. "We don't have to give assurances as if we were lawyers."

"Talk about vengeance," Don Hersheoni replied. "Is vengeance going to bring your son back to you or my nephew back to me? I forego the vengeance of my nephew. But, I have selfish reasons. My youngest son, Baby Ruthiano, is supposed to leave this country because of his commercial business. And, I have to bring him back here safely clear of all his false charges.

"I'm a reasonable chocolate bar, but I'm also superstitious. If Baby Ruthiano gets his nugget smashed by one of Butter Fingerino's bars, or if Baby should choke himself on his peanuts or if he's melted by a lightning bolt, then I'm going to shred some of the bars in this room to coconut and put them in mounds. That I will not forgive.

"With that aside, let me say that I swear on the souls of my future chocolate products, that I will not be the one to break the peace that we've made here today."

While riding home from the meeting, Reesiano Cupini sat in the back of the limo and contemplated future business negotiations. After all, Christmas was just around the corner and Easter came on the Yuletide cusp. These were major business days for those whose lives were tied to the chocolate syndicate.

"When I meet with Kit Katsini's people, should I insist that Santiago Clausette and Eastere Bunnioni and all the other middle mascots for the holiday promoters have clean records?" Cupini asked Don Hersheoni.

"Mention it," the Don responded. "Don't insist. Katsini is a chocolate bar who will know without being told."

"You mean Katsiano?" Reesiano Cupini inquired.

"Katsiano is a pimp," Don Hersheoni said calmly. "He never could afford dark chocolate and low-cal sweetener. But, I never knew until this day that it was Katsiano all along."

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Holiday shoppers exhibit good will

At the corporate Christmas party, I was going to sing a seasonal song. But, I couldn't remember all the words to "School's Out for Summer."

Holiday wishes are filled with peace and good will. Peace might remain on the wish list. But due to the economy, the checkout lines are long at Goodwill.

The show "Desperate Housewives" is in its final season. It's no longer sensational enough because the economy is making every housewife in America desperate.

I used to believe in the creation theory. But then I watched Congress take us back to Neanderthal Days.

Newt Gingrich is gaining momentum in his campaign for the GOP presidential nominee. With all the witches and warlocks currently running the country, do we really need a leader who uses the eye of Newt?

My friend said he expected Newt Gingrich to gain momentum because his name ends in the Republican way – rich!

I had a Happy Meal for lunch last week. But every meal is a happy meal if I'm not preparing it.

What is so happy about a Happy Meal? I've never had a meal smile and wish me a good day.

The economy is so bad that when people go to McDonald's instead of ordering Happy Meals they order Contented Meals.

I must be directionally challenged because I don't understand why people tell me to type things up and write things down.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

All I want for Christmas is . . .

'Tis the season to be jolly. I'm OK with that as long as I don't have to wear an elf costume. I hate pointy shoes.

When we put up our Christmas tree the other day, it was my turn to put the star on top. If I do say so myself, I chose a terrific picture of Justin Bieber.

Since I believe in living green, I bought a small artificial Christmas tree. It's scented and looks really great hanging from my rearview mirror.

After hearing all the horror stories about violent shoppers taking advantage of Black Friday sales, I'm convinced it should be called Black and Blue Friday.

My husband told me he was going to deck the halls with holly. I should be grateful, but I'm not. I thought he stopped seeing Holly.

My husband sure fooled me by donning his gay apparel and saying he was going out to sing, "Hark," with that angel, Harold.

All I want for Christmas this year is a sound proof room where the little drummer boy can practice.

December 1st is Eat a Red Apple Day. All I can say is an apple a day may keep the doctor away, but it won't make Bill Gates happy.

December 12 is National Ding-a-ling Day. It's appropriate because it's when my mother-in-law arrives for the holidays.

My mother-in-law is staying for a month. So, I don't have to do anything to get ready to celebrate December 31, which is National Unlucky Day.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Top Ten Things I'm Thankful for this Thanksgiving:

1. I'm thankful I have better hair than Donald Trump.

2. I'm thankful the GOP presidential candidates will continue to say stupid things so I'll have joke fodder.

3. I'm thankful I earn so little money that I'll get to stimulate the economy by paying more income taxes.

4. I'm thankful Piers Morgan won't be around to ever tell me my standup act is terrible.

5. I'm thankful professional football teams have gorgeous cheerleaders so I can get a couple of hours of peace from my husband.

6. I'm thankful for every gray hair I painted red.

7 I'm thankful I can't see Russia from my backyard. Otherwise, I'd be living next door to Sarah Palin.

8. I'm thankful a fifth-grader is smarter than most current presidential candidates because that means there is hope for our future.

9. I'm thankful I've never been nominated for an Oscar so I don't have to be thankful for everyone I've ever met.

10. I'm thankful I'm old enough to know better but young enough not to care.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Vote for Rick Perry for President of Hair Club for Men

Despite recent campaign blunders, Rick Perry could still be president – of the Hair Club for Men.

Rick Perry said the regulatory world is killing us. But without EPA regulations, our air and water would be killing us.

Michele Bachmann blames Barack Obama's health care law for the nation's economic woes, although most of the law's provisions don't take effect until 2014. That's sad. I need that health care now because I'm sick of the presidential candidate debates.

Piers Morgan is stepping down as a judge of "America's Got Talent". Magician contestants said, "Piers, either leave on your own or we'll make you disappear."

Now that Piers Morgan is stepping down as a judge on "America's Got Talent", I think his replacement should be Larry King.

Larry King would be great as a judge on "America's Got Talent". If he doesn't think the acts are worth $1 million, he can change that by marrying or adopting the losers.

Piers Morgan is resigning as a judge on "America's Got Talent" because he needs more time for his show, "Piers Morgan Tonight". But since some of his guests are politicians, he can still tell people they're losers.

I understand the next season of "America's Got Talent" will feature the GOP presidential contenders. Now that they've had a million debates to voice their commitments to world peace, they need a venue for the swimsuit and talent competition.

Some bandits in San Diego stole some money from a display case in a casino. The casino owner said, "It's OK. We got it all back and more when those losers gathered around the craps table."

Jenni Farley, better known as JWOWW of "Jersey Shore" fame, contends she was singled out for a TSA scan in the Fargo, North Dakota, airport. She probably was singled out but not because she's famous. She was singled out because this time of year she was the only person visiting Fargo.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I beg your pardon, Mr. President

President Barack Obama is facing a major dilemma. Earlier this week, he looked into the faces of members of Congress and said, "I'm not sure any of these turkeys deserve to be pardoned this Thanksgiving."

The president's concern about which turkey to pardon this year caused a flap on the House floor, causing Barack Obama to respond, "Stop ruffling your feathers Nancy Pelosi, you're still in the running."

The president asked Congress members to draw straws to see who gets pardoned. Some Republicans said, "We're not drawing anything with a pencil handed to us by a Democrat."

As the president pondered which turkey to pardon, he said, "A bird in hand is worth two in the bush. But the problem is we've already had two Bushes."

While President Obama verbalized his options, House Speaker John Boehner got miffed and interrupted. "Pardon me, Mr. President. . ." But before he finished his statement, the president said, "John, that ain't gonna happen."

Barack Obama still has less than fond memories of his Thanksgiving dinner last year with the Biden family. When the president started carving the turkey, Joe Biden yelled, "Ouch! Where can I get a form to file for workman's comp?"

Michelle Obama told Joe Biden, "I'm glad Barack pardoned a Republican instead of you. Otherwise, he would be under arrest for slitting a throat."

As the Obamas and Bidens ate dinner, they asked everyone around the table what they were thankful for that year. The vice president said, "I'm thankful for everything except these miniature onions in the peas."

After dinner, the president secretly wished Congress would support his policies. But he knew that was never going to happen because Sasha ended up with the long end of the wish bone.

This year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons will feature the GOP presidential candidates. But instead of helium, they'll be inflated with egos.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Kim Kardashian unties the knot

Instead of going Trick or Treating on Halloween, scores of unemployed Americans celebrated the holiday on Monster.com.

After I got home from Trick or Treating, my mother-in-law said, "You need to relax and take a load off." So I asked her to leave.

After only 72 day of marriage, Kim Kardashian filed for a divorce from her pro-basketball playing husband. Standing next to him made her look bad on camera – specifically, it made her butt look big.

I'm culinarily challenged. So if a friend would invite us to Thanksgiving Dinner, my husband will be thankful.

I may be culinarily challenged, but this morning, I successfully boiled water and my stove and floor have never been so clean.

My husband is actually a really good cook. But he's a former cowboy so he should feel at home with the range.

A Portland, Ore, man broke into a house so he could watch TV. When one of the legal residents hit the trespasser in the head and knocked him unconscious, for the criminal "Saturday Night Live" almost became "Saturday Night Dead".

This wasn't planned, but I celebrated November 2, Look for Circles Day, by looking in the mirror and seeing a couple of dark ones under my eyes.

On November 9, 1927, giant pandas were discovered in China. They were spotted in a restaurant asking how to hold their chopsticks.

On November 13, 1927, the Holland Tunnel under the Hudson River, connecting New York to New Jersey, opened to the public. For Snookie, it was the road to success as it led her to the shore and a reality show.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

November takes us in circles

On November 1, 1914, the bra was patented. Shhh! Don't tell Victoria I'm revealing her secret.

November 2 is Look for Circles Day. I hope they're easier to find than my car keys.

November 2 is Look for Circles Day. I have no idea what you should do with them after you find them.

On November 3, 1952, Clarence Birdseye marketed frozen peas. Children have been protesting ever since.

High fashion models are elated that Clarence Birdseye marketed frozen peas on November 3, 1952. Thanks to that milestone, five models can collectively buy one box of the vegetables and enjoy dinner for a week.

On November 7, 1874, cartoonist Thomas Nast depicted the Republican Party as an elephant in a cartoon in Harper's Weekly. I wish we could pack up some current GOP presidential contenders and lock them in the elephant's trunk.

On November 11, 1620, pilgrims aboard the Mayflower just off the Massachusetts coast signed a document calling for a "body politick". The natives misunderstood, thinking they were invited to a "bawdy potluck". They called the feast Thanksgiving because they got to unload that multi-colored corn.

November 16 is National Button Day. I wish several politicians would observe it by buttoning their lips.

November 19 is Have a Bad Day Day. Just to be safe, let's ask Congress to take that day off.

November also brings cold and flu season. When it comes to the cold or flu virus, it is definitely better to give than to receive.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Harold Camping predicts Doomsday AGAIN

Twenty years ago, I had a date every Saturday night. Now every weekend, I have an apricot.

Charlie Brown received a lot of presents at his birthday party last week. Lucy gave him a football. (Hey, don't groan! She has a million more that she stole from our hero.)

I don't understand why Charlie Brown ever trusted Lucy. You can look at her and know she's not to be trusted. After all, she's always had corporate hair. (Remind you of anyone?)

Another obvious reason Lucy Von Pelt can't be trusted is her 5-cent psychology practice. She started young in denying poor children affordable access to health care.

That old guy Harold Camping is now predicting Friday, Oct. 21, will be the end of the world. If Camping has reverted to his second childhood, I predict that come Friday we'll know the identity of that anonymous boy who cried, "Wolf!"

Harold Camping is predicting Friday, Oct. 21, will be the end of the world. You can call Camping all kinds of names, but you can't call him a Mayan.

I sure hope Harold Camping is wrong again and that the world won't end on Friday, Oct. 21. Otherwise on Oct. 31, I won't get to wear my Michele Bachmann costume.

I almost hope Harold Camping is right about Friday, Oct. 21, being the end of the world. Then I won't have to endure any more GOP presidential candidate debates.

Harold Camping is wrong about his prediction that the world will end Friday, Oct. 21. Just ask the scores of jobless Americans. Their world ended when Congress failed to pass the jobs bill.

Even though the economy is shaky, it might be a good idea to invest in the stock market. I suggest buying stock in the Tums Corporation because we still have to contend with Congress.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Michele Bachmann won't support Rowing vs Wading

An events promoter who wants to stage a Running of the Bulls Festival in Cave Creek, Arizona, is facing opposition from the town council. One council member proposed an alternative - a GOP presidential candidate debate so the runners can chase the bull.

GOP presidential candidates are criticizing Mitt Romney for flip-flopping on issues such as gay marriage. Michele Bachmann said, "You'll never see me heeing and hawing about marriage between a man and a woman." She said that's the only fact she can keep straight.

Michele Bachmann said we won't find YouTube clips of her speaking in support of Roe versus Wade. She said that's because people who can't swim should stay out of row boats and remain in the wading pool.

Paul McCartney married Nancy Shevell, who is vice president of a successful New Jersey trucking company. The former Beatle did ask Shevell to sign a pre-nup that in case of a breakup she will loan him a U-Haul trailer.

Florida State Legislator Bill Workman plans to introduce a bill to repeal a law passed in 1989 that made dwarf tossing illegal. Workman said his bill will create jobs for little people. I think the little people should start by tossing Workman out of office.

Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang celebrated Charlie Brown's 61st birthday this month. Shroeder was going to provide entertainment, but the arthritis in his fingers was flaring up.

I can't imagine growing up without Peanuts. They taste so good covered with chocolate.

Snoopy was really smart. He taught me that you don't have to worry about keeping a roof over your head because you can sleep quite comfortably with a roof under your head.

If Charlie Brown had grown up to be an adult, he probably would have been a fireman so he could rescue his kite from the kite-eating tree.

Oct. 3 was Virus Appreciation Day. I observed it by sending the flu virus a Don't-Get-Well card.


NOTE:  Nancy Jo's Jokebox 2012 Calendar is now in production.  Leave a comment with an e-mail address if you want details on how to order.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

11-11-11 is good for Facebook readers

A bride needed something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. So, I gave her a new perspective of married life by loaning her my old, blue-haired mother-in-law for as long as they both shall live.

Oct. 3 was Virus Appreciation Day while Oct. 9 is Curious Events Day. I plan to celebrate the latter by pondering why anyone would appreciate catching a virus – especially a flu virus.

Oct. 5 is Do Something Nice Day and World Teacher's Day. The nice thing to do would be not to tell a teacher, "Those who can do. Those who can't teach."

On Oct. 6, 1889, Thomas Edison showed the first motion picture. It was a silent film. He said, "If you want sound, buy one of my phonographs."

After Thomas Edison showed the first motion picture on Oct. 6, 1889, critics reported, "His bird shadows on that wall were great, but he needs to work on his bunny ears."

Donald Trump's Taj Mahal Casino Resort in Atlantic City is offering $25,000 worth of plastic surgery to the winner in a player's card game. Rick Perry said if he wins he wants to trade in the prize for an appointment with The Donald's hairdresser.

Mayan calendar scholars contend the date 11-11-11 will mark the entry into an era of peace, love and prosperity. Regardless of what you believe, it will be a remarkable day. Bad Facebook spellers won't be able to transpose the date.

Andy Rooney is retiring, but he contends he will still work. The only difference will be he will now have time to get his eyebrows clipped.

CBS executives wanted 92-year-old Andy Rooney to retire. Otherwise, they would have to change the show's name to "Nine Decades, Two Years and 60 Minutes" which is too long to fit in the TV guide listing.

Andy Rooney's last words on "60 Minutes" were, "If you see me in a restaurant, please just let me eat my dinner." What got edited out was Andy shaking his fist and declaring, "or else it will be the last supper – but not for me!"

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Only in October

October is National Vegetarian Month. I plan to celebrate by only eating corn-fed beef.

Since October is National Vegetarian Month, I pledge to stop watching presidential candidate debates since the participants are full of bull.

October 2 is National Name Your Car Day. I'm participating. The new name for my Chevy is going to be Porsche.

Oct. 7 is Bald and Free Day. Gov. Good Hair Perry said he isn't going to celebrate unless the NBA – National Bald Association – contributes $250,000 to his campaign.

Oct. 11 is National It's My Party Day. So go ahead and cry if you want to.

Oct. 12 is National Moment of Frustration Day. For Barack Obama, it will simply be Wednesday.

On Oct. 17, 1931, Al Capone was convicted for income tax evasion. Today, his income would be high enough that he wouldn't have to pay taxes.

Oct. 23 is National Mother-in-Law Day. I plan to celebrate by sending mine home.

Oct. 23 is also National Mole Day. Several GOP presidential candidates don't plan to observe the day. They said, "Why should we celebrate? We're not moles, we're weasels."

Actually, celebrating Mole Day is a good idea. Moles eat worms. Therefore, they can be our secret weapon to fight Congress.

Here's a scary thought for Halloween. Rick Santorum said he supports a permanent corporate tax break because it will lead to manufacturing jobs for all unemployed Americans. Doesn't he know that not everyone will be as efficient as Lucy in the chocolate factory?

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Everyone is a critic

My critics say I'm too tough on political candidates. But not once have I referred to Christine O'Donnell as the Republican witch. That's because Newt Gingrich is the one who is never without eye of newt.

I've been accused of taking cheap shots at Michele Bachmann. But I had to go cheap because I didn't get government subsidies like she did.

I'm told I make fun of Donald Trump without rhyme or reason.
I do it to make my hair feel superior in every season.

I'm guilty of taking jabs at Gov. Good Hair Perry because my $5 donation isn't good enough for him. OK, scratch the word "good".

It's also true I make fun of Sarah Palin and her family values. But, she obviously has a gambling problem or she wouldn't always say, "You bettcha."

I'll admit I haven't been too tough on Barack Obama. But, he's the only candidate thus far who has shown us his birth certificate, proving he actually has a life.

Seriously, Barack Obama doesn't need my help to make him look like he's done stupid things. After all, I wasn't consulted when he picked Joe Biden.

I'm probably shameless to pick on Joe Biden because the Republicans will have us believe the vice president is just "Biden" his time until November 2012.

It was just plain wrong for me to ridicule NRA favorite Elmer Fudd. But, he'd probably be a more competent hunter if he quit aiming at rabbits and took pot shots at attorneys.

Mitt Romney is fair game. He won't acknowledge me as a friend until I change my name to Corporate Jo America.

I've been accused of being anti-Tea Party. That's ridiculous. I love tea parties when the hostess serves scones with strawberry jam.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Elmer Fudd runs for president

People are saying Rick Perry seems to be the leader among the scores of GOP presidential candidates. But, he still doesn't represent the majority of Americans. Otherwise, he'd have an occasional bad hair day.

During the latest debate, GOP presidential candidate contenders attacked Rick Perry. Now his eyes are blackened. His nose is broken. He's missing a couple of teeth. But, his hair still looks great.

An advisor to former President Clinton once said a politician who never has a hair out of place can't be trusted. So for GOP presidential candidate, the NRA is endorsing Elmer Fudd.

Elmer Fudd's campaign slogan is, "A wabbit in evwee pot."

The chief campaign advisor for Elmer Fudd said, "Hey, what's up Doc?"

September is International Square Dance Month. It has been proposed the GOP presidential candidates give up debates and have a dance off since they've been dancing around the issues any way.

Although she's not an official candidate, Sarah Palin was asked to be in the dance off. Surprisingly, she said, "You bettcha."

Sarah Palin thinks she can win because she's been taking dancing lessons from Bristol.

Michele Bachmann says she's up for a good dosey doe. But she contends the "All-a-Man" right is just too gay.

It's clear the GOP candidates are right wingers. The dance off should prove they also have two right feet as all the candidates are refusing to promenade left because that would lead them into the Democrat square.

The candidates like the idea of a dance off. They said cutting a rug shouldn't be any more difficult than cutting taxes for the rich.

All the people running in the race have criticized Social Security and Medicaid. I don't think that's running a fair race because it targets seniors who usually aren't very fast runners.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

September is a silly month

September is International Square Dancing Month. Instead of more debates, let's have the Republican presidential candidates engage in a dance off to see how well they follow directions.

September is also National Courtesy Month, which means we really shouldn't have any more Republican presidential candidate debates.

Sept. 8 is National Date Nut Bread Day. I tried celebrating that last year and refuse to do it again. That nut bread didn't even thank me for taking it to dinner.

Sept. 10 is National Swap Ideas Day. It would be so nice if members of Congress celebrated that.

Sept. 11 is National No Good News Day, which means political candidates have an excuse to say something stupid.

Sept. 13 is National Defy Superstition Day and National Fortune Cookie Day. I think I'll defy superstition by eating a fortune cookie.

Sept. 20 is National Punch Day. Line up behind me if you want to throw a couple at political candidates.

Sept. 21 is International Peace Day. We can celebrate if we do a good job on Sept. 20.

Sept. 22 is Elephant Appreciation Day. I'd rather celebrate National Punch Day.

Sept. 23 is Dogs in Politics Day. How quickly we forget Elephant Appreciation Day?

Sept. 28 is Ask a Stupid Question Day. Why can't this be followed with Political Candidates Give a Stupid Answer Day? Was that question stupid enough?

I think I'll celebrate Ask a Stupid Question Day by watching Fox News.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Hicks Ain't Rednecks

Some people think hick is a four-letter word meaning redneck. However, hicks and rednecks are two different species. In case you're wondering which one you are, here are some specifics to solve this mystery in life.

You might be a hick if you loan out your wife but you won't part with your tractor.

You might be a hick if you come to a dip sign in the road near a water crossing and you think it means get out the Skoal.

You might be a hick if your claim to fame is winning a belching contest.

You might be a hick if you get a notice from the draft board and you turn it down, saying if you wanted to feel a draft, you'd remove one of your own boards from the hay loft.

You might be a hick if you go out to paint the town and need only a half bucket of paint.

You might be a redneck if your family's "No Running in the House" rule includes water.

You might be a redneck if tobacco is the only thing your mom will let you chew.

You might be a redneck if Archie Bunker had not claimed the title first.

You might be a redneck if the name of your clan is Ku Klux.

You might be a redneck if you go for exploratory brain surgery and the surgeon can't find anything wrong because he can't find your brain.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Rick Perry needs funnier hair

As a comedy writer, I want to fire Rick Perry and rehire Donald Trump as a GOP presidential candidate. The Donald has funnier hair.

If the elephant never forgets, why can't Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann get their facts straight?

Some people think all the GOP presidential candidates are simply playing games. If that's the case, there are enough of them to quit the political race and form a basketball team.

Some people say if Michele Bachmann is elected president that she will rewrite history. If Elvis Pressley and John Wayne were alive, they'd say she already has.

There's one job Michele Bachmann would be worse at than president. She'd be terrible at writing questions and answers for Trivial Pursuit.

Mitt Romney says his $12 million, 3,000-square-foot California beach house is inadequate. I guess that's why he wants to move into public housing on Pennsylvania Ave.

Kim Kardashian's wedding gift registry included some spoons that sold for more than $1,200 each. I guess plastic spoons were too good for her.

Officials with eBay plan to build a facility in Utah and hire 2,200 people. The jobs will go to the highest online bidders.

I went to the hairdresser last week and said, "I'm going to a red carpet event, so fit my hair with something Versace or Vera Wang."

Whoever said two heads are better than one, probably did not try dying his or her own hair.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Let's all campaign for president

Sarah Palin decided to restart her bus tour in Iowa. I guess she thought corn growers needed more bull.

President Barack Obama is traveling through the Midwest in a new $1.1 million bus purchased by the Secret Service. The agents are making him ride in the back of the bus.

If politicians campaigning in the Midwest were really sincere about energy consumption, Barack Obama and Sarah Palin would bus pool.

Obama and Palin could get along splendidly if they bus pooled. All they would have to do is wile away the hours playing The Quiet Game.

Mitt Romney says Corporate America is his friend. I wonder what he'll give Corporate Americans for Christmas since they have everything but the opportunity to pay taxes.

Michele Bachmann contends God told her to run for president. I'm thinking God used his inside voice and Michele failed to hear the "don't".

Reporters asked God why he told Michele Bachmann to run for president. God was quoted as saying, "That woman only hears what she wants to hear."

Democrats don't seem too worried about Michele Bachmann's popularity. I guess they figure that behind every good man is a woman, which means in the 2012 election, she'll finish behind Barack Obama.

Kate Gosselin's show "Kate Plus Eight" got canceled on the TLC network. But, that's OK. Kate and the kids can still get on TV by doing what everyone else seems to be doing – becoming Republican presidential candidates.

Sara Lee is suing Kraft for contending Kraft makes better hot dog wieners. When the jury begins deliberating, I think the jurors should decide for themselves by eating the evidence.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

I don't want to hear the word "allergies"

Golfers would rather meet "over here" instead of "over there" so they can "t" off.

Friends, Romans and country men, lend me your ear. I have allergies so my right one isn't working.

Some unidentified orange gunk was found off the coast of Alaska. It was the remnants of the vest Sarah Palin wears so people in Russia can see her when she's standing in her back yard.

There is an obscure law that the cafeteria in the federal House of Representatives is always required to have bean soup on the menu. So if you are what you eat, that explains why Congress members are full of gas.

Whoever said time is money was not my landlord.

When I told my landlord I could only pay half the rent this month, he said he didn't have time to listen to excuses. I told him time is money and handed him an envelope filled with 20 hours, six minutes and 27 seconds.

New statistics on obesity indicate that two out of three people in the United States are actually three out of four, which explains why my mama gave this Texas gal two first names.

I was thinking of buying a Smart phone. But I decided to wait until I know for sure it's smarter than a fifth-grader.

If people cry over spilled milk, if they spill half-and-half, will they only cry out of one eye?

You always hear people say, "You made your bed, now you have to lie it." Shouldn't you lie in it first and then make it?

SEE ME LIVE:
Saturday, Aug. 13
Downtown Comedy Club
114 W. 5th Street
Los Angeles, CA
 8 pm, $10
** No item minimum

Sunday, Sept. 11
National Grandparents Day Show
Flappers Comedy Club - Main Room
102 East Magnolia
Burbank, CA
5 pm, $10

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Happy Birthday Mr. President

President Obama is celebrating his 50th birthday. A lot of parties are being held because of him. He said he is grateful, but he can do without the Tea Party.

Democrats urged the president to get his AARP card for his birthday. They contend AARP stands for Always Anti-Republican Party.

Liberal Democrats suggested Obama celebrate his birthday by doing unto Congress as Congress has done unto him – refuse to support them.

The president's daughters wanted to take him to the circus for his birthday. But he said he was tired of watching elephants perform stupid human tricks.

Queen Elizabeth declined her invitation to the president's birthday party because she didn't want to wear a silly hat.

Michele Bachmann planned to attend Barack Obama's birthday party until she realized the invitation stated: "We'll have a GAY old time."

Sarah Palin never planned to attend the president's birthday bash. She said she can see all the festivities from her back yard.

Donald Trump declined his invitation to the president's party because The Donald didn't want the party hats to mess up his hair.

Sasha is glad Donald Trump isn't attending her dad's birthday party. She has been worried that The Donald would fire the pastry chef before the cake was served.

The president wanted to have free donkey rides for all the kids attending his party. But, Joe Biden refused to cooperate.

The president said he looks forward to blowing out all 50 candles because it will give him a politically correct excuse to blow off smoke.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Congress should visit Oz

Members of Congress should set aside the debt ceiling and take a vacation. I suggest they visit Oz so they can ask the wizard for courage, hearts and brains.

Barack Obama's birthday is coming up in a few days. He said he isn't hiring a clown for his party, but Joe Biden plans to attend any way.

Joe Biden plans to pose as a clown and twist inflated balloon animals at President Obama's birthday party. While the vice president has never done this before, he believes he can do it because he's seen a lot of twisted Congress members with inflated egos.

The president hopes his family hires a magician to perform at his party because he would like to learn how to saw a few Republicans in half.

For birthday presents, Barack Obama is hoping he'll get a new copy of his birth certificate. The one he has is getting worn out by showing it to everyone upon demand.

Kim Kardashian is suing Old Navy for hiring a model who looks like her. All I can say is be safe people. Pick a different Kardashian to portray this Halloween.

A spokesperson for Miss Kardashian said, "When the battle between Old Navy and Kim is over, she hopes to own the Navy. She loves men in uniforms."

Donald Trump should be glad he's not Elmer Fudd. If Donald was Elmer, he couldn't tell people they were fired. But he could tell them they were "histowee."

But if Donald Trump was Elmer Fudd, he'd have better looking hair.

Elmer Fudd just got a Twitter account. His first message to Buggs Bunny said, "Tweet me with wespect."

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

It isn't all in - or on - my head

With all the talk about a green environment and energy conservation, I think Congress should replace the debt ceiling with a sky light.

We have miniature sky lights in our ceiling.  The landlord calls them cracks.

Whoever said two head are better than one, probably did not try dying his or her own hair.

I just finished dying my hair. The bad news is my bathroom is a disaster. The good news is my gray tabby cat looks great as a calico.

I am great at multi-tasking. Last night, I dyed my hair. When I finished, I also had completely redecorated the bathroom.

While dying my hair, I went for a 1960s retro look. All my white towels now look tie-dyed.

Some court cases end in mistrials. I believe in equality, so I think some cases should end in mister trials.

If Michelle Bachmann believed in equality, she would change her name to Bachpersonn.

I don't know why Michele Bachmann is against gay marriage. Gay couples wouldn't produce babies who will grow up to need social services Michele doesn't want to fund.

If what goes up must come down, why is it so hard to lose weight?

If I could hire someone famous to clean my house, I'd hire Bill Gates. I hear he does Windows.

Charlie Sheen is negotiating to star in a new sitcom. It should be called, "Two and a Half Goddesses."

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Taking the test of time

My high school reunion was a couple of weeks ago. Some of my former classmates obviously flunked the test of time.

Age has not been kind to some of my former classmates. Some were a lot fatter and had less hair on their heads and more on their faces. Then there were the men.

Michele Bachmann's husband offers therapy to help gay people not be gay. During one of his recent sessions, Dr. Bachmann said, "Don't use the 'F' word. Use a synonym for 'fabulous'."

Dr. Bachmann says he wants to educate barbarians. His wife won't be in that class. Every day, she proves she has a B.A., which in her case stands for Barbarian Affirmation.

President Obama also has a B.A., but his stands for Birth Announcement.

Most little girls dream of growing up to be a princess. I knew that dream would never come true for me because I never grew up. I grew out.

Have you ever wondered why you never see a princess wearing glasses? It's because she ruined the lenses while conducting a test to determine if her tiara has real diamonds.

There's a controversy as to whether Prince William's bride should be called a duchess or a princess. I know how we can end that controversy. Just place a dried legume under her mattress and see if she flinches.

The Duchess of Cambridge was asked what it's like to follow in Prince William's footsteps and stare at his bald spot. She said, "It beats our first kiss. That day he resembled a frog."

The Duchess of Cambridge has to shake a lot of hands wherever she goes. I bet she looks forward to seeing Howie Mandel.

Doing good deeds for others may get you brownie points, but personally, I'd rather get the brownies.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Looking at Life Through My Rear View Mirror

It's been said, "Once you leave, there's no turning back." But being one who likes to buck the system, here are the top 10 things I discovered while looking at life through my rear-view mirror.

10. I witnessed a male passenger apply makeup to a female driver stopped at a stoplight. I'm not sure, but I think it might have been Kathy Griffin and one of her gays.

9. I saw a man with a blue tooth picking something from something green from between his teeth.

8. I saw a sign that stated: "Please use the crosswalk." I think that's what it said, but I'm not sure because it was hidden by some guy who was jay walking.

7. I saw red flashing lights. Yep, the jay walker got busted.

6. I saw some red-eyed dude igniting something green. I'm assuming it was the spinach discarded by the guy with the blue tooth.

5. I saw someone's grandmother driving slower than me in the fast lane.

4. I saw a woman get her hair caught when she rolled up her driver's side window. Guess what color hair she had. Yep, it was red. I know because I still have a bald spot.

3. I saw a pillar of salt turn into a human.

2. I didn't see you because you were driving in my blind spot.

1. I saw everything I wouldn't have seen had I been doing what I was supposed to be doing – keeping my eyes on the road in front of me.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Truth is stranger than fiction

I'm pretty sure that the person who said, "History repeats itself" wasn't Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann.

After Michele Bachmann confused John Wayne the actor with John Wayne Gacy the criminal, she said, "Get over it. That's now all Waterloo under the bridge."

Before we criticize Michele Bachmann for confusing her John Waynes, we should give her a chance to redeem herself on an issue that matters. Let's see if she can differentiate between a Kardashian and a Snooky.

Michele Bachmann said President Obama is afraid of her. There may be some truth to that. When she says something stupid, he's afraid he's going to laugh.

Michele Bachmann said Barack Obama is afraid to debate her. The president said, "That theory remains open for debate."

Michele Bachmann probably won't approve any debt ceiling bill. Her excuse will be, "We don't have the money to pay this bill."

If Michele Bachmann isn't elected president, she could become a novelist since she doesn't believe in letting the facts get in the way of a good story. She can start with her memoirs.

While visiting the National Robotics Engineering Center at Carnegie Mellon University, President Obama said it's his job as commander-in-chief to keep an eye on robots. I wish it was his job to program the robots. Then members of Congress would cast intelligent votes.

Prince Harry says he doesn't plan on getting married any time soon. He doesn't want to give Princess Beatrice an excuse to buy another ugly hat.

Next time I want someone to lie to me, I'm going to ask a politician, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

All that glitters is not gold, it's also Michele Bachmann

A protester threw glitter on Michele Bachmann when she defended her stand against gay rights. I was appalled. That glitter would have looked a lot better on some unemployed drag queen.

After Michele Bachmann got pelted with glitter for defending her stand against gay rights, she said, "I don't need this! But, I could use some fashion tips and a way better hair cut."

If Michele Bachmann gets elected president, her inauguration parties are going to be boring. With her extremist views, there's no way she'll let revelers have a gay old time.

During the GOP debate, possible presidential contender Tim Pawlenty said he would support a constitutional amendment "to define marriage between a man and a woman." His wife said, "That proves it takes an act of Congress to get him to listen to me."

Republican Herman Cain says if he's elected president, he doesn't want a Muslim in his administration. I think he said this to save face because he has yet to meet a Muslim who wants to work in his administration.

Although Sarah Palin had a reality show and works for FOX, she knows as much about television as she knows about American history. I understand she thinks "The Flintstones" is a documentary.

Bristol Palin is writing her memoirs. The book will include a how-to chapter from her experience on "Dancing with the Stars." It begins, "Put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right foot in and shake it all about."

Hugh Hefner's 24-year-old girlfriend had a change of heart about marrying the 85-year-old Playboy Magazine publisher. She contended he's not ready to settle down yet because he hasn't dated all the Kardashians.

An Emperor penguin from Antarctica somehow took a wrong turn and ended up in New Zealand. Had he been a female penguin this wouldn't have happened. She would have stopped to ask for directions.

The penguin later told reporters he really wasn't lost. He was simply taking a stroll on the beach after attending the premier of "Mr. Popper's Penguins."

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Politicians provide paradise for comedy writers

Sarah Palin's e-mails have been released to media. My favorite is the one she wrote in early December 2007 that said, "Dear Santa, please bring me a vice presidential nomination so I can get a book deal and reality show."

Donald Trump is once again considering the possibility of a presidential campaign. He already has a lot of supporters. They're are called comedy writers.

A Connecticut company plans to release two Anthony Weiner action figure dolls. One is a plain doll. The other is a more expensive, anatomically correct version that comes with an active Twitter account.

This week, President Barack Obama announced a new effort to eliminate government waste and named Joe Biden to lead the effort. Obama even offered to help pack the vice president's bags.

Prince Philip celebrated his 90th birthday this week. His party guests didn't blindfold him for the Pin the Tail on the Donkey game. They knew he wouldn't get close to the donkey, but they told Camilla to hide.

While misquoting the Constitution, Michele Bachmann said she wanted to give Constitution lessons. This proves that those who can do and those who can't teach.

The Colorado couple who tried to cash in on publicity by letting their son float away in a silver hot-air balloon are trying to auction the balloon to raise money for earthquake and tsunami recovery efforts in Japan. They said their son will deliver the money in a gold hot-air balloon.

It's the second time the couple tried to auction the famous silver balloon. They said the first round of bids were low and fraudulent. They also said something about finding gold in a pot or kettle they called black.

When I was in college, I didn't understand the point of joining a sorority because it was all Greek to me.

My husband suggested we spend several hundred dollars to take the entire family to Hawaii for have a nice, stress free, relaxing vacation. I suggested we save money and just get a single one-way ticket for my mother-in-law.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Take her or leave her

I'd love to pack up my troubles and toss them aside. But, my mother-in-law refuses to budge.

Actually, I can take or leave my mother-in-law.  But I'd rather take her far, far away from me.

When I told my husband, "You can't take it with you," he obviously didn't realize I was talking about his mother.

On my birthday this year, my mother-in-law gave me a big surprise party. The surprise was, I wasn't invited.

My mother-in-law said I should be embarrassed to be middle aged. She said that is when I think I still look good in a mini skirt because my eyes don't work well enough to see that I don't.

My mother-in-law said now that I'm middle aged, my hour-glass figure is resembling a Mason jar.

My mother-in-law does everything backwards. I wish I was like her in that respect. Then, I would have backed out of the wedding as soon as I met her.

My mother-in-law is a kleptomaniac. Every time she goes by the state capitol, she picks up a senator.

My mother-in-law is nothing like my mom. As a parent, my mom was perfect – until she had my brother.

I'm told that caring is sharing. With that said, I'd love to share my mother-in-law with you.

My mother-in-law lives in a bad neighborhood. It's so bad residents never take showers. They take blood baths.

My mother-in-law's neighborhood is so bad it insults Don Rickles.

My mother-in-law's neighborhood is so bad guard dogs are prone to get laryngitis.

My mother-in-law's neighborhood is so bad, the only reason little girls are filled with sugar and spice and everything nice is because they rob the donut shop.

Sarah Palin got her history mixed up about Paul Revere. I couldn't believe it. At her age, she should have known Paul Revere was the leader of a very successful rock band.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Sometimes right is just wrong

Just because something is legal doesn't mean it's right.

In this case, it is legal for collection agencies in the United States to track you down to get you to collect your neighbor's debt. But in the State of Illinois, you may be convicted of a felony for eavesdropping on your own private conversations.

State law in Virginia prohibits corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than political candidates, while criminals in Texas can commit a crime if they don't get caught. But, the criminals are required to give their victims 24 hours notice.

And in Hollywood, California, it is illegal to drive more than 2,000 sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at the same time. But, tour bus drivers do it all the time.

A few days ago, I was minding my own business when I discovered big brother likes to spy on me for absurd reasons and turn his back when Corporate America acts sleazy. What is amazing is I don't have a brother. I have a sister.

My adventure into the land of unrighteousness began when my cell phone rang. "Ms. Perdue, I am calling you because I need to reach your neighbor."

I wondered why this stranger wasting my cell minutes didn't just call the person who lives down the hall.

"We're trying to reach him on a private business manner in an attempt to collect a debt. We haven't been able to reach him, so we need you to do it for us."

I know I've had some strange temp jobs in my life, but I don't recall ever working for this collection agency. So I inquired why all of a sudden I literally was on call. "Why should I do your job for you? I'm pretty sure I'm not on your payroll. And, how did you get my cell phone number?"

"You should do this because you are a nice person. Your neighbor owes us $35 and we want to collect it. And, we don't have to tell you how we got your number because we haven't done anything illegal."

I've always been an outspoken soul, but I expect unknown companies to protect my privacy. So, I copped an attitude. "I refuse to do your job because I don't work for you. Plus, you tracked down my personal information just so you can make money. You owe me an explanation of how you got my cell phone number. And if that isn't bad enough, Ms. Sleazeball, I don't have unlimited minutes on my cell phone. So at 19 cents per minute for three minutes, you also owe me 57 cents.

Ms. Sleazeball did what any slime bag would do when confronted. She hung up.

I called back and asked to speak to Ms. Sleazeball's supervisor. When she refused to connect me, I bellowed, "I want my 57 cents. And, if you don't tell me how you got my number, I'm reporting you to the FCC."

She was ready for me. "We don't have to give you your 57 cents. And, we don't have to tell you how we got your cell number. This is a private business manner to collect a debt."

"If my neighbor isn't home, do you want me to break into his apartment and steal the $35 he owes you?"

"That could work if you don't get caught. But if you're in Texas, you have to inform your neighbor you're going to steal his money. I can't tell you anything else because this is a private business manner to collect a debt of $35."

I had to question her logic. "Don't you mean business matter instead of manner because you sure ain't using good manners? Don't make me report you to the FCC and Miss Manners."

I'm pretty sure that's what I said. After all, I was eavesdropping on my conversation. I prayed Ms. Sleazeball wouldn't rat me out to officials in Illinois.

After Ms. Sleazeball had the gall to hang up on me again, I called Miss Manners and she was appalled.

"This is unbelievable," she said. "I can't believe you called the collection agency people sleaze balls. I know good and well your mother taught you that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

After she hung up on me, I called the FCC. "Hey, I'll pay you 57 cents if you'll push for legislation to make it illegal in all 50 states to use third-party cell phones to get money from a debtor."

The FCC guy insisted on playing by the rules. "Well lady, you might want to reconsider and ask us to change the law in 49 states. We'll have to exclude Virginia because you're trying to bribe us with 57 cents. However, we could include Virginia if you move there and run for Congress."

"Me run for Congress in Virginia? That's ridiculous. If I win, I'd have to spend winter in Washington D.C. They have lousy weather."

"Well, we would need support in numbers to convince Congress to pass such a law."

Being proactive, I offered a solution. "I can go over to Hollywood Boulevard and get 2,000 sheep. But if the police stop me, I could get delayed. The officer might fall asleep counting all those sheep."

The FCC guy was impressed at my persistence.

"I could never drive 2,000 sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time," he said. I could only drive four because I don't have enough seatbelts."

I got frustrated and hung up. Sometimes doing the right thing isn't worth 57 cents even if it's legal.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

It's a Sad Week for Oprah Fans

A lot of people are teary eyed because May 25 is Oprah's last show. I know I'm teary eyed and will continue to be. As I say "Bye" to Oprah, I'm saying 'Hi" to allergy season.

As Oprah leaves her hit television show, I wish she'd take my mother-in-law with her.

Kirstie Alley didn't win the "Dancing with the Stars" coveted mirror ball trophy. But people love her, so she'll always have "Cheers".

June begins next week. It's traditionally the month for weddings. If you're planning on getting married, you don't have to settle for being a trophy wife. You can settle on being a consolation prize wife.

Human Resources departments will have more applicants to weed through in June. In addition to current job seekers and spring college graduates, people who planned their lives around Oprah's show now need something to do.

When the world didn't come to an end on May 21, Harold Camping said he was "flabbergasted". I'm flabbergasted that people who believed him gave the multi-millionaire their money to take with him.

That silly silk antler hat Princess Beatrice wore to the royal wedding was bought for $131,648 dollars. The princess auctioned her hat on eBay to raise money for the charity Children in Crisis, an agency that should help anyone even thinking of wearing that hat.

When President Obama visited Ireland and his relatives a few days ago, he said, "No one is more Irish than me," which prompted his relatives to ask to see his birth certificate.

When Obama's presidential limo got stuck on a speed bump while he was traveling in Ireland, he said, "When I drank that beer, I should have asked for a Guiness Light."

About 2,200 lunar rocks were brought to Earth by NASA's Apollo astronauts. A recent count showed 10 states and more than 90 countries cannot account for their share of the rocks. Has anyone looked in the heads of presidential candidates?

I'm getting really forgetful. I was going to try tying string on my finger because that's supposed to help you remember stuff. But, I can't remember where I put my string.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

When World Ends, Go Out Laughing

Some guy named Harold Camping is predicting Jesus will return on May 21. That's good planning on his part. That's just in time to get a week's worth of invitations to Memorial Day Weekend barbecues.

If you're planning on inviting Jesus to your holiday BBQ, you might want to change your menu to include beef ribs.

There has been a lot of speculation as to why Katie Couric's last day as CBS News anchor is May 19. I think she figures why stay since there will be nothing to report when the world ends May 21.

The guy who predicted May 21 is the end of the world is a fool. We all know May 25 is Oprah's last show.

May 21 will be Judgment Day for some people. The legal term for these people is defendants.

My world as a comedy writer almost came to an end May 16 when Donald Trump announced he wasn't running for president. But then I remembered, his hair will always be funny.

The Sahara Casino in Las Vegas closed this week because they weren't making any money. They should have waited a few days. All the people preparing for the end of the world on May 21 would have dropped money there on May 20 since they can't take it with them.

Since leaving office as governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger has been fighting for green energy. But he's going to lose that battle because his divorce settlement will require him to give Maria Shriver his green power.

I keep getting an e-mail that says "Apply for financial aid before it's too late." Then I read the age limitations to qualify and discovered I'm already too late by 13 years.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

It's in Writing - I'm Sarcastic

The writing is on the wall. It says I'm sarcastic.

OK, it was handwriting. And it wasn't a wall. It was a document analyzed by a handwriting analysis expert.

When he called to give me results, he said, "Your handwriting indicates you're resilient. You're diligent. You're creative. And, you're sarcastic. I like you in spite of all that!"

I also liked him. He understood why I tend to be cynical.

I'm diligent in saying it's because idiots want my money. People who don't think are people who count my money. And people who can't think for themselves are people with power.

Let's begin with the greed mongers. Daily I'm flooded with requests from folks who want to offer me free lifetime opportunities in exchange for my money. Last week, I shared one of these great deals with my hubby.

"Hey, listen to this offer sent to me instead of you," I boasted. "These people want to give me a free hair transplant."

"What's the catch?" my skeptical spouse asked.

"Well, all I have to do is send them three payments for $49.95 each, and they'll send my free hair."

"I know how you can transplant your hair for free," my beloved countered. "Just pull your red locks from the drain."

Of course, I couldn't let him get away with such snark. "I think they mean hair for my head not hair from my head."

He scoffed. "You've got really thick hair. Where would you put new hair? I guess you could let your roots grow out and glue it to your skunk stripe."

To end the discussion, I decided to go get some milk from the store across the street. Getting there is no small fete considering I shattered both ankles in an accident in 2002. As a result, my feet are attached to the rest of my body by steel plates, screws and bolts. Now, both ankle bones together measure less than a whole one on most people.

Doctors predicted I would never walk again. But, I proved them wrong. However, I might have to eat crow if I ever fall and break my ankles again. So any slight injury leaves me slightly unhinged - literally.

This brings me to expressing sarcasm toward people who don't think although they're people who count my money.

In this case, I arrived home at the same time as a really sweet woman who lives on the floor above me. As I climbed the first step towards the front porch of our building, I twisted my left ankle and unwillingly copped a squat.

Noticing the tears in my eyes, my neighbor said, "It's nice to see you. You look great. You're getting around better and better since your accident. But why are you sprawled on the steps looking like you're in pain? Are you practicing you're acting?"

I decided to deny I was giving an Academy Award performance. So, I told the truth. "I just twisted my ankle."

Being the sweetheart that she is, my friend helped me up and expressed concern. "Gee, I sure hope you didn't twist one of the two ankles you broke."

I was thankful for the pain so I wouldn't laugh at her logic. After getting to my apartment, I told my mate about the encounter.

As he plopped an ice pack on my ankle, I asked, "Do you think she views me as a freak who has more than two ankles?"

"No, she's an accountant. She obviously has a better grasp of numbers than you do. By the way, I see hair products in this bag for the new free hair you're going to buy.  But where's the milk?"

An hour and four anti-inflammatory tablets later, my ankle was back to normal. I announced I was returning to the store to get the milk I forgot because I was preoccupied with not getting my free hair transplant.

This is when I interacted with a gullible guy with power. While crossing through the lobby of my apartment building, I saw a young resident attempting to cast the lead role for his film school project. He shuffled headshots of young, beautiful, hopeful starlets as if he really wanted to play strip poker.

When I returned from the store, the Steven Spielberg wannabee was still in the lobby playing with his pictures. I said, "Hey, you look a little perplexed."

He admitted his dilemma and sought my help. "I need to decide which of these two girls should be the lead in my movie for school. Look at them, and on a ten-point system, give me your honest opinion."

I've always been told that if you act confident, people will not realize you have no clue what you're doing. I thought I'd try the technique since I knew nothing about his film.

"Well, I'll give this first one two points for her hair, three points for her smile and five points for her eyes. This second one, well, she gets five points for her eyes, three points for her smile and only two points for her hair."

With great gratitude the youngster said, "Thanks. I agree it should be the first girl. She does have great eyes!  And, you by the way, have great hair.  You'll never need a transplant."

I reinforced his brilliant decision, "Since all are in favor, I guess the eyes have it."

But he got the last word, "I'm sure glad you came along. Everyone else I asked was sarcastic."

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

May Madness Strikes

Last week, Americans were inventing their royal titles based on a grandparent's first name, followed by a pet's name and ending in a street where you've lived name. I'd be Lady Ella Carlotta SW 108th.

After seeing photos of the royal wedding, all I can say is "hats off to the royal couple because some of those hats never should have gone on."

Mariah Carey gave birth to twins. A girl came first, weighing 5 pounds, 3 ounces and measuring 18 inches. Her brother came next at 5 pounds, 6 ounces and 19 inches. I guess this proves size does matter.

May 3 was National Lumpy Rug Day. I celebrated by paying tribute to that thing on Donald Trump's head.

On May 1, 1952, Mr. Potato Head was born. That's interesting. I thought my husband was born in 1949.

On May 4, 1932, Al Capone went to Atlanta Penitentiary for income tax evasion. If he was living today, that wouldn't happen because his crime syndicate earned him enough money to avoid paying income taxes.

On May 9, 1886, Atlanta Pharmacist John Styth Permerton invented the syrup for Coca Cola. I wonder if he ever went to the Atlanta Penitentiary since the syrup supposedly contained cocaine.

Americans Richard Bird and Floyd Bennett get credit for being the first to fly over the North Pole on May 9, 1926. But I don't believe that. Santa Claus had 'em beat by at least a century.

On May 10, 1994, Nelson Mandela became the first black president of South Africa. I wonder if he was ever asked for his birth certificate.

On May 29, 1849, Abraham Lincoln said, "You can fool some of the people all of the time, all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time." Someone should remind Congress of that.
Come see me
Come see 3 Blonde Moms
Thursday, May 5
Flappers Comedy Club
Burbank, CA
$15

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Royal Wedding -You Bet!

I just earned $1 net profit from playing the California lottery. If my winning streak continues for 249,999 weeks, I can get a tax break.

A burglar broke into a Chicago beauty supply store and stole some human hair. The culprits could avoid jail if they just come to my home and scoop out the shower drain.

The real reason Donald Trump wants President Obama's birth certificate is so The Donald can sell it on eBay to finance his presidential campaign.

A 7-foot long alligator in Florida went through a doggie door and into the bathroom of a woman's house. Last time a reptile came into my house, I married him.

Two people paid a New York cab driver $5,000 to drive them to Los Angeles. The cabbie later said he'll never do that again. It cost him more than $6,000 for gasoline, and that was just to top off his tank when he got to L.A.

A lot of people are working two jobs so they can afford gasoline. All I can say is if working long hours is making you tired, become an air traffic controller so you can sleep on the job.

Bookmakers are taking bets outside Westminister Abbey as to whether Prince Philip will sleep during the royal wedding and if William will be jilted at the altar. I'm betting that if Kate bolts, Philip will wake up.

It's a new trend for large companies to outsource for employee retirement packages. I can't believe they're just figuring that out. Since the recession began, I've been sending my retirement funds to outside sources.

Democratic Congressman James Clyburn said officials can reach a consensus to tackle government debt if they bring compassion to the table. Republicans, of course, are against the suggestion. They contend: Why start now?

Model Petra Nemcova got voted off "Dancing with the Stars," although the judges described her as a golden goddess. If she's really a goddess, she doesn't have to worry. She can just go live with Charlie Sheen.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

No Easter egg hunts for Donald Trump

President Obama reported earning $1.7 million last year, which is down from $5.5 million in 2009. This year, he hopes to reduce his income by $1.69 million so he can pay higher taxes.

The Arizona Legislature wanted to pass a bill that would allow presidential candidates without birth certificates to show other documents such as proof of circumcision. They should demand that of Congress members because they're the people screwing us.

If Donald Trump is elected president, unemployment will rise. After all, he's the guy who appears on TV every week just to fire people.

Donald Trump decided not to host an Easter egg hunt this year because he doesn't want to urge children to count their chickens before they hatch.

The Donald refuses to count chickens before they hatch because they have to hatch before they can get a birth certificate.

Donald Trump doesn't believe in putting all his eggs in one basket. He believes in putting them all in that nest thingie on his head.

I don't need a watch dog. My cat looks out for me. Every time she hears a bird, she looks out the window.

Every morning, I get to hear these wonderful song birds perched in a tree outside my window. I love those birds. And, those birds love my car.

I walked past a downtown building with an outside designated smoking area adjacent to the fire exit. I figure if you don't die of smoke inhalation while trying to escape, it will get you on the way out.

My mother-in-law isn't very computer literate. She thinks Windows is something I never wash.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

TOP 10 REASONS WHY I'M NOT ATTENDING THE ROYAL WEDDING

10.  I don't want to steal Kate's limelight. I'd rather hold out for her lemon light.

9.  Why travel half way across the world to throw rice at the bride, when I can just walk to the kitchen and throw some at my husband?

8.  I'm not going abroad until I get a passport photo that makes me look 20 years younger.

7.  I'm afraid I might catch the bouquet.

6.  When I curtsey while greeting the Queen, my knees might get stuck.

5.  I can't celebrate with the Royal Crown, because I don't have a designated driver.

4.  Kate and Wills didn't come to my wedding, why should I go to theirs?

3.  Prince Harry already has a date.

2.  I don't feel comfortable visiting Westminister Abbey because I don't even know Mr. Abbey.

1.  Elton John purloined my dress.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Fish, snakes and royalty go together this week

Firefighters in Ashland, Oregon, are now trained to give CPR and oxygen masks to pets suffering from smoke inhalation. That's good news for my goldfish and guppies.

All this time, I thought giving mouth-to-mouth to a fish was called lunch at Long John Silver's.

Willie Nelson might have felony marijuana charges dropped if he agrees to sing "Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain" in the court room. I know! They should make him sing, "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes".

The Libyian revolutionaries should make Ghadafi sing for amnesty. Then American Idol fans can vote to get rid of him.

Bronx Zoo officials discovered the smell of rats can lure cobras out of hiding. Maybe the International Front should try that technique to lure Ghadafi out of office.

Since the smell of rats can lure cobras out of hiding all I can say is – God help Congress!

Betty White is going to do a reality show. It's going to be about her playing practical jokes on younger people. Her first victim is Larry King.

Some legal experts believe Kate Middleton and Prince William need to sign a pre-nuptial agreement. One of the things Kate should hold out for is a life-time supply of princess lessons from Julie Andrews and Anne Hathaway.

Another reason Kate Middleton should sign a pre-nup is so she can make sure she gets the castle and William gets his grandmother's hat collection.

Kate should not sign a pre-nup unless it includes a clause that would allow her to auction her tiara on e-Bay.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Mother-in-laws by another name are monsters

There are advantages of being married. I just can't think of any right now.

Seriously, there are advantages of being married. One of them is not my mother-in-law.

My mother-in-law is always on top of things. Our Chihuahua hates that.

What I hate about my mother-in-law is she procrastinates. Last time she came to visit for a week, she ended up staying three months.

Every time, I would try to ask her when she planned to leave, she'd tell me to wait.

My husband isn't much better in the procrastination department. One day, he said he was going to take out the trash. The next day, I noticed his mom was still there.

I went to a therapist so I could learn to cope with my mother-in-law. I knew my problem was serious when the therapist started confiding in me.

I considered getting a divorce. But because of the pre-nuptial agreement, my husband would get the house and I'd get my mother-in-law.

My husband always takes my mother-in-law's side. He said it was because when he was 4 years old, she glued herself to him.

My husband's family is like a giant circus act. However, his mom doesn't ride a tricycle nearly as well as that bear does.

When I suggested that my mother-in-law actually join the circus, she said she didn't want to work in a tent. I said, "Why not, you wear one?"

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Floating away in the helium capital

I grew up in Amarillo, Texas. It's the Helium Capital of the World. But there's not much there because everything good floated away.

I did like the Helium Day Chili Cook Off. A lot of the contestants used armadillo meat. Armadillos carry leprosy. Of course you had to eat 200 bowls of chili to get it. I could only eat 197.

My sister got elected Helium Queen one year. That qualified her to act like an air-head. And she wasn't even a natural blond!

This guy I have a crush on took my girlfriend to dinner last week. He took her to Jack-in-the Box. I was appalled. That's where I wanted him to take me.

My mother-in-law is getting a divorce. I don't know why she expected her marriage to work. Her husband never did.

My mother-in-law said she is getting a divorce because her husband had a bad memory. He couldn't remember he was married.

I just got back from a cruise. The first night I was on-board the ship, the captain issued gale warnings. He was serious because Gale was evil if she wasn't first in the buffet line.

Someone stole my identity. All I can say is finder's weepers, loser's keepers.

Now that I'm getting older, I'm looking for a special type of man, but I'll settle for one who's not so special.

I live in a nice quiet neighborhood. At night, it's so quiet all you can hear is mocking birds imitating gunfire and sirens.

My unemployed friend wanted me to go with her to a job fair. I said, "No way, unless you find one with a Ferris Wheel and cotton candy."

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I'm middle-age crazy

I'm celebrating my birthday next week. All I can say is middle age is when you think you still look good in a mini-skirt because your eyes don't work well enough to see that you don't.

Middle age is when your hour-glass figure starts resembling a Mason jar.

Middle age is when you trade in beauty sleep for mediocre looking sleep.

When my husband reached middle age, he decided to become a cowboy. He had a lot to learn. Boy, was he surprised to find out the calf scramble didn't come with grits.

My husband was a terrible cowboy. He thought spurs were extensions of the interstate highway.

My husband failed as a cowboy. When he was told it was time for the roundup, he said he'd rather round down.

I can understand why my husband was a lousy cowboy. His idea of roaming the range was to figure out which knob controlled the back burner.

I was a cowgirl for a week. It was fun. I particularly liked my six-shooters: Harry, Larry, Gary, Barry, Jerry and Bob.

I just got back from a cruise. The first night I was onboard the ship, the captain issued gale warnings. He was serious because Gale was evil if she wasn't first in the buffet line.

I got home just in time to see Mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night. That confused me because last night was March 15.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

March madness prevails

The Hair Club for Men said if I joined I can recover all my hair in six weeks. Hey, I can recover all my hair in seconds if I clean out the shower drain.

I may be a tad over weight, but I am proud to say I do not have a muffin top. I have a sheet-cake top.

While I was on hold with the cable company's customer service department, I listened to a recording that said they could better serve me if I was ready with my account number, credit card and a translator who speaks Punjabi.

I received an e-mail ad to get some belly busting tips. The bad news is the offer had strings attached. The good news is I now own a corset.

Finders keepers, losers weepers except when my mother-in-law gets lost.

Actually, I look up to my mother-in-law. I have ever since she stole my stilts.

I asked my mother-in-law what I should get my husband for his birthday. She said I should give him a divorce.

My husband asked if I thought he would make a good baby doctor. I said "No, because you haven't been a baby for 40 years."

When I was a kid, I wanted a pet lizard. But, my mom said she didn't want any reptiles in her house. I didn't get that. She let my brother-in-law in and he's an insurance salesman.

When I was a kid, my mom made me take Flintstones Vitamins. I hated that. I was afraid I'd grow up looking like Barney Rubble.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

My take on SHEENing Oscars

Some of the Oscar nominees seemed nervous while they were waiting to see if they'd win. I say when it comes to talent of that caliber, the only losers were the people who had to endure all those acceptance speeches.

I love the Oscars, but hearing all those acceptance speeches is like having someone read me all those ancestor begat chapters in the book of Genesis.

I think "King's Speech" was a good choice for best movie. In fact think all the winners deserved to win. But their acceptance speeches would have been more interesting if they had stuttered.

Anne Hathaway wore more dresses in one night than I've worn in five years. But, one of my dresses would make five of hers.

Hailee Steinfeld looked like a princess in her lovely dress. And, she proved she deserved an Oscar nomination. At the age of 14, going out in public with her parents really showed true grit.

Even the celebrities had chills up and down their spines as they watched the stars arrive at the Oscars after parties. That's because it was 40 degrees outside and all of them left their hoodies in their cars.

Everybody who's anybody in the film industry attended the Governor's Ball after the Academy Awards. I'm told former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was terminated from the guest list.

The Academy Awards inspired Lindsay Lohan to volunteer for community service. She is offering to personally return all the borrowed necklaces the stars wore to the show.

Now that Charlie Sheen's hit sitcom has been canceled, I hear he's being considered for another project. It will be a one-man show called "Two and a Half Egos".

CBS may not offer Charlie Sheen $3 million to return to work. However, after he described himself as a rock star from Mars, he began negotiating with NASA so he can return to Mars to search for better hookers.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Best friends forever

The other day, I was walking down the street, minding my own business, carrying on a conversation and a total stranger says, "Nobody's there." I said, "Don't call my imaginary friend nobody. You'll hurt his feelings."

Sometimes my imaginary friend comes over for dinner. Afterwards, he offers to help with the dishes. But for some unknown reason, I always end up doing all the work.

I learned the hard way never to loan my imaginary friend money. Even if he pays it back, I'll never see it again.

When we were kids, my imaginary friend loved playing Hide-and-Go-Seek. Fifty years later, I'm still trying to find him.

My mom never had a problem with my having an imaginary friend. She always said, "Children should be heard and not seen."

My imaginary friend grew up to be extremely handsome. I wish you could see him.

Last week, my imaginary friend said he needed to stop seeing me because he met someone new who is more like him. I never saw that coming.

I tried to make friends with my imaginary friend's imaginary girlfriend. I don't know what I was thinking because we'll never see eye-to-eye.

I'm going to miss that imaginary friend. Although every time we drove on the freeway, he would duck down in his seat, and I would get a ticket for using the HOV lane.

Next time, I'm going to let my him drive. He can do it because he has an imaginary drivers' license just like three-fourths of the other drivers in this city.

He even has insurance that he pays with imaginary premiums. Hey, imaginary premiums aren't that far-fetched. After all, now I'm paying real premiums for imaginary health care.

I took my imaginary friend grocery shopping today. That's the last time I do that because I now have an imaginary bank balance.

If you're thinking of getting an imaginary friend, I have advice for you. If you want to make sure he doesn't play tricks on you, don't let him out of your sight.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Why do I always hurt the things I love?

I've never been very good at relationships. But up until a few weeks ago, I had to work nights, weekends and street corners.

I'm just joking. I've never worked weekends in my life. But, I'm rather glad I got fired from my street corner job. I just wish the monkey would have let me keep the accordion.

Which brings me to a point – usually, I get involved in love-hate situations. And, I always end up hurting the ones I love. Take my adoration for chocolate for example. I do not want to live without it. While I'm not addicted to that luxurious stimulant, I have a daily habit of chocolate abuse.

If I'm honest with myself, I must admit chocolate is the love of my life. How much do I love it? Well, allow me to count the ways. I love it the first thing in the morning in plain, warm, liquid form. There is nothing better than slurping hot chocolate in between bites of Cocoa Puffs and Chocolate Pebbles.

I love it second thing in the morning when I order it from the mocha man. I can consume three chocolate chip cookies with a glass of milk. I will come forth to announce I long to see my beloved in heart-shaped boxes on Valentine's Day and in my stocking on Christmas morning. If chocolate was liquor, I would not hesitate to buy a fifth.

And B, I refuse to discriminate against chocolate. I like milk chocolate, dark chocolate, Swiss chocolate, plain chocolate, candy-coated chocolate and chocolate-covered anything except maybe grasshoppers. My philosophy is grasshoppers can get their own chocolate and leave mine alone.

I would never dream of inflicting pain and suffering on my dear, sweet chocolate – not even when my cherry chocolat amour is having one of those semi-sweet chocolate days.

One recent day when I overdosed on chocolate, I must have hallucinated. In my blissful, chocolate-induced state, I began to hear a strange voice that sounded chocolately tempting.

It happened shortly after lunch earlier this week, during which I consumed a burger, fries and a large chocolate shake. The vision began as I faced the dilemma of determining what kind of chocolate candy I wanted for dessert. Because I usually want an entire chocolate galaxy, I usually choose a Milky Way.

Because it was Valentine's Day, romance was all around in my taste buds, my stomach and deep in the heart of my Texas-sized appetite.

"I think I want some kisses," I said.

"I love it when you display your mirth," the chocolate said.

"If only you knew just how much you meant to me," I replied. "I love you my sugar pie's main ingredient."

"Well, back at ya, chunky girl!" my chocolate said dotingly with double chunks of almond joy. "I'm so glad I'm in a relationship with you. I have it so much better than my friend, Butterfinger.

"Butterfinger is dating some goofy guy named Bart Simpson. Bart reminds me of a cartoon character. But what's scary is he's real. And he's a possessive control freak. He threatens anyone who even thinks of putting a finger on Butterfinger. But you, Luscious Lips, are willing to share me with your girlfriends."

I'm really kind of jealous when my chocolate flirts with my gal pals. But, I did not want to ruin the moment.

"Can I have a kiss?" I begged.

"Do you want me plain, or should I wear my almond?" my love teased.

"Oh, I love you with your almond," I exclaimed. "You also excite me with peanut butter or white chocolate swirls. Oh, you ravenous Jezebel. You certainly love to tempt me don't you?

"Hey Sweet Tooth, this is your fantasy not mine," the chocolate said.

"I love the way you try to please me in every way," I exclaimed softly so I wouldn't wreck the moment.

To entice my friend even more, I lined up all the chocolate kisses that once filled a 16-ounce cellophane bag. Then, I was confronted with the ultimate challenge of which to choose as the first to bring sensuous pleasure to my lips, my tongue, my waistline.

I obviously spent too much time pondering the choice, which left my heartthrob feeling insecure.

"Are you ashamed of me?" the chocolate asked. Then my chocolate milked it some more. "I don't understand why you can't just accept me as I am – a plain chocolate kiss."

I was the one who didn't understand. "What do you mean?"

"Well, if you love me as much as you say you do, you sure have a strange way of showing it," the chocolate declared.

"I make sure I spend quality time with you every afternoon," I replied. "I spend a lot of money on you and you know it."

"If you really love me, you would prove it. Sometimes you make me feel like you're just using me for your own selfish, guilty pleasure," my buddy said.

Trying desperately to avoid an ugly quarrel, without thinking, I uttered the first words that popped into my brain. "Don't be ridiculous."

I thought I detected sincere emotion as my valued soul mate spoke straight from the heart. "I'm serious. Just look around your office. You have a picture of your husband. You have a picture of your cats. You have a picture of you with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. But no where do you have a picture of me."

Flabbergasted is too weak a word to describe how I felt while flying on my sugar high.

"I hate it when you have a meltdown," I said.

My sweetheart of a kiss gave me an ultimatum. "Well, if you hate me that much, just go back to that candy-coated chocolate that melts in your mouth and not in your hand!"

I refused to be dumped by attempting to appear as if I was the one who wanted to end this sugary relationship.

"Maybe I will," I announced.

"Well, if you're going to act like that, don't expect to see me in your stocking on Christmas morning."

Hearing that remark, I realized a lover's spat was inevitable.

"What is your problem today? Just stop it," I shouted uncontrollably.

Then my dear chocolate put everything in perspective. "You're so fickle."

"What?" the argumentative side of my personality responded.

"You hurt my feelings," the love of my life said, looking at me with dark chocolate temptation. "One minute you're chewing on me. The next minute you're cooing about my good taste."

Standing firm, I refused to let my chocolate play on my emotions. I tried bluffing. "You better watch out or I'm going to do you in."

Then, the devil tempted me to stop bluffing and commit the ultimate act of violence by biting off the head of my sweet love.

"Ouch!" the chocolate kiss yelled. "The vampire sharpened her teeth this morning."

I apologized, thought twice about hurting the one I love, and then thankfully, I came out of my midwinter's dream. Then, I felt guilt-free as I devoured a pound of sugar-free chocolate.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Who is the new me?

Some guy stole my identity. It's too bad he didn't steal my mother-in-law.
 
Some guy stole my identity. But that's OK because I still have one that I stole last week.
 
Some guy stole my identity. And, he won first prize in a Halloween costume contest.
 
A lot of middle-aged women become cougars so they can date younger men. Now that I'm getting older, I'm looking for a special type of guy – like one who knows how to switch out an oxygen tank.
 
Actually, I've never been very good at relationships. But until last year, I didn't have time to commit because I had to work nights, weekends and street corners.  
  • I'm just joking. I've never had to work weekends in my life.  
  • However, I'm kind of glad I got fired from that street corner job. I just wish the monkey would have let  me keep the accordion.
Being a cougar is appealing to me because a young guy can do things for me my 61-year-old husband just can't do any more like move the piano.
 
If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, I want to date the Pillsbury Dough Boy. You don't think he's under age, do you?
 
My cooking is so bad that my husband orders a lot of takeout. The garbage can hates that.
 
You don't have to tell me I'm a loser. I know that already, and I'm comfortable with it because it was my decision not to buy a lottery ticket.
 
If Vanna White decided to become a country singer, I think she'd have a hit if she recorded that song with the chorus that goes, "E-I-E-I-O" – all vowels.
 
I understand Vanna White is a sweetheart. She's so sweet that in the 1960s, her beehive hairdo had real bees.
 
Three angels walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "We don't serve angels here." The angels said, "Oh, we just stopped in to say, 'Halo'."

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

To See or Not to See

Today is Ground Hog Day. I love it when Punxatawney Phil sees his shadow. It means I can procrastinate for six more weeks before starting my spring cleaning.

Punxatawney Phil has a 39 percent accuracy rate. The other 61 percent of the time he really does see his shadow, but instead of the sun it's cast by national television camera lights.

It makes perfect sense for people to let a rodent be a weather prognosticator. After all, we let rats run Congress.

More than 30,000 people travel to Punxatawney every February 2 to watch Phil surface to search for his shadow. Half of them are angry farmers who want to strangle groundhogs for destroying their spring crops.

One year, Phil tried to escape. My theory is after hibernating for six weeks, he was hungry and wanted to help himself to the farmers' crops while they were attending the festival.

Most groundhogs live for 6-8 years, but Phil's keepers say that each summer he drinks a magic liquid that adds 7 years to his life. That means not only can he predict the weather, he also has discovered the fountain of youth.

When Phil isn't forecasting the weather, he lives in a climate-controlled cage in the Punxatawney Library. But contrary to popular belief, he doesn't check out meteorology books because he doesn't have a library card.

Punxatawney, by the way, is an Indian word that means white men don't have sense enough to come out of the cold.

Valentine's Day is coming up this month. Last year, I told my husband I wanted a rosebud. He came through. He rented "Citizen Kane".

My sister said the real meaning of Valentine's Day is to love your neighbor. That's easy for her to say because that's how she snagged her husband. Boy, was his wife relieved!

People say the best things in life are free. That explains why FreeCreditReport.com supplies you with a free credit report and charges your credit card $29.95.

So, the Better Business Bureau is making the credit report company change their URL to FreeCreditReportNoWay.com

My friend is expecting a baby, and she wants to name it after me. Personally, I think a better name is After Thought . . . or Bob, if he's a girl.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

When only second best will do

Most people want the best money can buy. But with today's economy, sometimes you have to settle for second best. For example, when life hands me a lemon, I no longer make lemonade. I make the lemon be its own aide.

These days I don't believe in putting on the Ritz. I endorse putting on the Saltine.

When I go to McDonald's I no longer order a Happy Meal, I order a contented meal.

Instead of paying for the Super Bowl, I get a cheap plastic cereal bowl.

I'm told I will have to work until May this year to afford to pay my taxes. But, I'm going to have to work until July to afford to fill my car's gas tank.

Gas prices are so high, I'm thinking of buying a hybrid. I found a good deal on a used one fueled by feet and a pterodactyl.

In an effort to save money and preserve gasoline, I joined the company carpool. I save a lot since I'm self-employed and work at home.

Speaking of being self-employed, last spring I organized a company softball team. I didn't get picked. But, that's OK because the uniform would have made me look fat.

Right now, I'm suing myself for sexual harassment. But believe me, I'm innocent. I was just trying to wipe the cat fur off my dress.

The good thing about being self-employed is I can show up late for work and still be there when the boss arrives.

Since I do have my own business, I'm going to take the opportunity to advertise. So if working long hours is making you tired, hire me! For $20 an hour, I'll take a nap for you.