Wednesday, November 3, 2010

They may not be swift, but they're Swifties

"Well, you didn't have to blow up our getaway car," the terrorist said explosively.

"Don't laugh at me," the comedian said jokingly.

"My bangs aren't even," the hairdresser said snippily.

"I think I need a nap," Rip Van Winkle said dreamily.

"You need trifocals," the optometrist said clearly.

"Be sure your pencils are sharpened," the proctor said pointedly.

"I knew Sea Biscuit and I would win the Triple Crown," the jockey said hoarsely.

"I can't believe we survived an 8.5 earthquake," the seismologist said shakily.

"I lost my pet," Little Bo Peep said sheepishly.

"We'll have a candlelight dinner as soon as I light this match," the romanticist said strikingly.

"I refuse to wear high heels," the model said flatly.

"I was not singing off-key," the American Idol loser said sharply.

"Your honor, my client is innocent," Lindsay Lohan's attorney said defensively.

"Do 100 sit-ups, 200 pushups and 300 leg lifts," my personal trainer said firmly.

"I love your new book, Mr. Hemmingway," the librarian said earnestly.

"You really should look at yourself in the mirror," the store clerk said reflectively.

"We think your spine is out of alignment," the twin chiropractors said jointly.

"I'd like to blow out all the candles on my birthday cake," Grandma said wishfully.

"I simply love champagne," the socialite said bubbly.

"I absolutely love alphabet soup," David said Lettermanly.


  1. Well, I like these, but I have to tell you what has been making me laugh lately. I turned on "Cake Boss" and witnessed teams of men stirring angrily.

    Virile, grown men glaring at each other, spoons poised, competing to see who could stir cake batter more furiously! A STIRRING CONTEST! The juxtaposition was hilarious. It reminded me of Monty Python's Olympic Twit competition - with men jumping over matchbooks.

    I have to post this on FB. Love you Nancy. xo YOU ARE A GIFTED COMEDIENNE.

  2. I always have a few Jokes to write

    How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
    Answer:There is a stamp on it.

    What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
    Answer: tick falls off of you when you die.

    What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
    Answer: Retired.