Floating away in the helium capital

I grew up in Amarillo, Texas. It's the Helium Capital of the World. But there's not much there because everything good floated away.

I did like the Helium Day Chili Cook Off. A lot of the contestants used armadillo meat. Armadillos carry leprosy. Of course you had to eat 200 bowls of chili to get it. I could only eat 197.

My sister got elected Helium Queen one year. That qualified her to act like an air-head. And she wasn't even a natural blond!

This guy I have a crush on took my girlfriend to dinner last week. He took her to Jack-in-the Box. I was appalled. That's where I wanted him to take me.

My mother-in-law is getting a divorce. I don't know why she expected her marriage to work. Her husband never did.

My mother-in-law said she is getting a divorce because her husband had a bad memory. He couldn't remember he was married.

I just got back from a cruise. The first night I was on-board the ship, the captain issued gale warnings. He was serious because Gale was evil if she wasn't first in the buffet line.

Someone stole my identity. All I can say is finder's weepers, loser's keepers.

Now that I'm getting older, I'm looking for a special type of man, but I'll settle for one who's not so special.

I live in a nice quiet neighborhood. At night, it's so quiet all you can hear is mocking birds imitating gunfire and sirens.

My unemployed friend wanted me to go with her to a job fair. I said, "No way, unless you find one with a Ferris Wheel and cotton candy."