Take her or leave her

I'd love to pack up my troubles and toss them aside. But, my mother-in-law refuses to budge.

Actually, I can take or leave my mother-in-law.  But I'd rather take her far, far away from me.

When I told my husband, "You can't take it with you," he obviously didn't realize I was talking about his mother.

On my birthday this year, my mother-in-law gave me a big surprise party. The surprise was, I wasn't invited.

My mother-in-law said I should be embarrassed to be middle aged. She said that is when I think I still look good in a mini skirt because my eyes don't work well enough to see that I don't.

My mother-in-law said now that I'm middle aged, my hour-glass figure is resembling a Mason jar.

My mother-in-law does everything backwards. I wish I was like her in that respect. Then, I would have backed out of the wedding as soon as I met her.

My mother-in-law is a kleptomaniac. Every time she goes by the state capitol, she picks up a senator.

My mother-in-law is nothing like my mom. As a parent, my mom was perfect – until she had my brother.

I'm told that caring is sharing. With that said, I'd love to share my mother-in-law with you.

My mother-in-law lives in a bad neighborhood. It's so bad residents never take showers. They take blood baths.

My mother-in-law's neighborhood is so bad it insults Don Rickles.

My mother-in-law's neighborhood is so bad guard dogs are prone to get laryngitis.

My mother-in-law's neighborhood is so bad, the only reason little girls are filled with sugar and spice and everything nice is because they rob the donut shop.

Sarah Palin got her history mixed up about Paul Revere. I couldn't believe it. At her age, she should have known Paul Revere was the leader of a very successful rock band.

No Easter egg hunts for Donald Trump

President Obama reported earning $1.7 million last year, which is down from $5.5 million in 2009. This year, he hopes to reduce his income by $1.69 million so he can pay higher taxes.

The Arizona Legislature wanted to pass a bill that would allow presidential candidates without birth certificates to show other documents such as proof of circumcision. They should demand that of Congress members because they're the people screwing us.

If Donald Trump is elected president, unemployment will rise. After all, he's the guy who appears on TV every week just to fire people.

Donald Trump decided not to host an Easter egg hunt this year because he doesn't want to urge children to count their chickens before they hatch.

The Donald refuses to count chickens before they hatch because they have to hatch before they can get a birth certificate.

Donald Trump doesn't believe in putting all his eggs in one basket. He believes in putting them all in that nest thingie on his head.

I don't need a watch dog. My cat looks out for me. Every time she hears a bird, she looks out the window.

Every morning, I get to hear these wonderful song birds perched in a tree outside my window. I love those birds. And, those birds love my car.

I walked past a downtown building with an outside designated smoking area adjacent to the fire exit. I figure if you don't die of smoke inhalation while trying to escape, it will get you on the way out.

My mother-in-law isn't very computer literate. She thinks Windows is something I never wash.