Who is the new me?

Some guy stole my identity. It's too bad he didn't steal my mother-in-law.

 

Some guy stole my identity. But that's OK because I still have one that I stole last week.

 

Some guy stole my identity. And, he won first prize in a Halloween costume contest.

 

A lot of middle-aged women become cougars so they can date younger men. Now that I'm getting older, I'm looking for a special type of guy – like one who knows how to switch out an oxygen tank.

 

Actually, I've never been very good at relationships. But until last year, I didn't have time to commit because I had to work nights, weekends and street corners.  

• I'm just joking. I've never had to work weekends in my life.  
• However, I'm kind of glad I got fired from that street corner job. I just wish the monkey would have let  me keep the accordion.

Being a cougar is appealing to me because a young guy can do things for me my 61-year-old husband just can't do any more like move the piano.

 

If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, I want to date the Pillsbury Dough Boy. You don't think he's under age, do you?

 

My cooking is so bad that my husband orders a lot of takeout. The garbage can hates that.

 

You don't have to tell me I'm a loser. I know that already, and I'm comfortable with it because it was my decision not to buy a lottery ticket.

 

If Vanna White decided to become a country singer, I think she'd have a hit if she recorded that song with the chorus that goes, "E-I-E-I-O" – all vowels.

 

I understand Vanna White is a sweetheart. She's so sweet that in the 1960s, her beehive hairdo had real bees.

 

Three angels walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "We don't serve angels here." The angels said, "Oh, we just stopped in to say, 'Halo'."