Taking the test of time

My high school reunion was a couple of weeks ago. Some of my former classmates obviously flunked the test of time.

Age has not been kind to some of my former classmates. Some were a lot fatter and had less hair on their heads and more on their faces. Then there were the men.

Michele Bachmann's husband offers therapy to help gay people not be gay. During one of his recent sessions, Dr. Bachmann said, "Don't use the 'F' word. Use a synonym for 'fabulous'."

Dr. Bachmann says he wants to educate barbarians. His wife won't be in that class. Every day, she proves she has a B.A., which in her case stands for Barbarian Affirmation.

President Obama also has a B.A., but his stands for Birth Announcement.

Most little girls dream of growing up to be a princess. I knew that dream would never come true for me because I never grew up. I grew out.

Have you ever wondered why you never see a princess wearing glasses? It's because she ruined the lenses while conducting a test to determine if her tiara has real diamonds.

There's a controversy as to whether Prince William's bride should be called a duchess or a princess. I know how we can end that controversy. Just place a dried legume under her mattress and see if she flinches.

The Duchess of Cambridge was asked what it's like to follow in Prince William's footsteps and stare at his bald spot. She said, "It beats our first kiss. That day he resembled a frog."

The Duchess of Cambridge has to shake a lot of hands wherever she goes. I bet she looks forward to seeing Howie Mandel.

Doing good deeds for others may get you brownie points, but personally, I'd rather get the brownies.