Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Birthdays are for the young at heart

Jerry Lewis turned 86 this week. That means Betty White and Larry King are practically his kids.

I'm celebrating my birthday this week by going on a cruise. Last time, I went on a cruise, the ship captain issued gale warnings. He said Gale was evil if she wasn't first in the buffet line.

Quite frankly, I'm glad I'm now in the middle ages. I love getting to wear silly period costumes with pointy hats.

My mother-in-law scratched the idea of giving me a birthday cake this year. She said it would be too much trouble to light all the candles because she'd have to apply for a bon fire permit.

All I want to do on my birthday is get some beauty sleep. But middle age is when you trade in beauty sleep for mediocre-looking sleep.

A former Mr. Universe living in India celebrated his 100th birthday this week. He said even though he reached the century mark, his life has been short lived because he's only 4 feet 11 inches tall.

That 100-year-old Mr. Universe says he eats a healthy diet that includes a lot of milk and rice – stuff he doesn't need dentures to chew.

The Mr. Universe from India said his only regret in his 100-year-long life is he never got to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger. Our hero said that pretty much nixes all hope his birthday gifts will include Arnold's surplus women.

I'm hoping I get to play Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Donkey on my birthday. But I'm not sure my mother-in-law will cooperate.

If I don't get close to my target when I play Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Donkey on my birthday, the reason is Juan Valdez's donkey wouldn't stand still because of all that caffeine.

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