Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Mother-in-laws are made for bashing

Someone asked me if I ever wrote any hot checks. I said, "No, but I used to write to a hunk in Tennessee."

May 1 was Mother Goose Day. Whenever I think of Mother Goose, I wonder what happened to the goose who laid the golden egg. Then I remember Oprah retired.

My mother-in-law lives in a really bad neighborhood. It's so bad residents never take showers. They take blood baths.

My mother-in-law said I need to remember that communication starts with listening. I think that's what she said, but I'm not sure because I wasn't listening.

My mother-in-law is mean. When I tried joking with her, she told me to grow up and act my waist size.

People in Los Angeles are obsessed with being skinny. If you believe obesity experts here, two out of three people are really three out of four.

I'm getting ready to move, and I've decided to downsize by getting rid of half my stuff. I'm starting with my husband.

I was thinking of getting a divorce. But then I learned that according to the pre-nuptial agreement, that my husband would get the house, and I'd get my mother-in-law.

My sister told me to love my neighbor. That's easy for her to say. That's how she snagged her husband. Boy, was his first wife relieved.

May 12 is Limerick Day, so I would just like to say:
            There once was a comedy writer
            Who wanted to make the world brighter
            But some jokes were bad
            They made people mad
            Some folks even wanted to fight her.

****SEE ME LIVE****

9 pm, Thursday, May 24
The L.A. Connection Comedy Theater
13442 Ventura Blvd.
Sherman Oaks, CA 91423
$10 at the door

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