When Santa Claus delivers presents in my hometown of Amarillo, Texas, he doesn't travel by reindeer. He commutes by John Deere.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night. That confused me because last night was June 12.
It came upon a midnight clear because I used Windex to clean my trifocals.
A lot of people get golden rings on the fifth day of Christmas. I got seed to feed my four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and the partridge in the pear tree.
On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me a larger house so my ten lords a leaping and eight maids a milking don't have to share a bathroom.
I'm pretty sure that the wee three kings of Orient are bilingual. Otherwise instead of English, they'd be singing that song in Cantonese.
While listening to Christmas songs last night, I decided I don't like rock around the Christmas tree. But, boulders look pretty good.
You know America watches too much reality TV when you sing the Christmas song, "What Child is This" and people answer, "Honey Boo Boo."
When I auditioned for the Christmas choir, the choir leader asked me if knew, "The First Noel." I said, "No. But I know Noel Jr. and his brothers James, John, Jack, Jules and Ralph."
Being in the giving spirit does not mean you have to loan your Range Rover to a relative. I did that last Christmas Eve. Now, I'm on foot because a reindeer got ran over by a grandma.
SEE ME LIVE:
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 16 - 6:00 PM
Funny Feminists Holiday Show
Unurban Coffee House - back room stage
3301 Pico Blvd
Santa Monica, CA
** No cover
** No item minimum requirement but coffee and sandwiches/snacks available
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 29 – 8:30 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Substance Abuse Foundation
Long Beach, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at email@example.com
TUESDAY, JANUARY 8 – 7:00 PM
Comics on the Spot
4499 Admiralty Way
Marina del Rey, CA
** $10 cover admits two
** No item minimum purchase required but food and beverage service is available