UFOs trigger laughter that is out of this world

I don't care what anyone says, my Smart Car really is smarter than it looks.

If a Smart Car was really smart, it would figure out a way to pay for its own gasoline.

My roommate spends an hour in the bathroom just teasing her hair. I hate that. She's blond so her hair isn't going to get her jokes.

I live in a bad neighborhood. At night it's so bad all you can hear is a flock of mocking birds imitating gunfire and sirens.

I live in a neighborhood that is so bad the residents don't take showers. They take blood baths.

I live next door to a couple of gang members named Spanky and Alfalfa. They're violent. I know because their dog, Petey, always has a black eye.

I don't know what to think about the Mayan Calendar and the world coming to an end. But, I do know I believe in UFOs. Just this morning, I looked in my freezer and found all kinds of unidentified frozen objects.

I grew up in Amarillo, Texas. It's the Helium Capital of the World. But nothing is there because everything good floated away.

Back in my babe days, I used to have a date every weekend. Now when Saturday night rolls around, I have an apricot.

In Los Angeles, people are obsessed with being skinny. In fact, if you listen to obesity experts, two out of three people in L.A. are really three out of four.

SEE ME LIVE:

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 29 – 8:30 PM
Private Show – Million Laughs Clean Comedy Troupe
Substance Abuse Foundation
Long Beach, CA
** If you would like to book Million Laughs for a fund-raiser or private event, contact Yvonne or Will Morton at will@millionlaughs.com

TUESDAY, JANUARY 8 – 7:00 PM
Comics on the Spot
The Warehouse
4499 Admiralty Way
Marina del Rey, CA
** $10 cover admits two
** No item minimum purchase required but food and beverage service is available

THURSDAY, JANUARY 17 – 7:00 PM
So You Think You're Funny Show
Produced by Cornelius Grant, original musical director of The Temptations
Barbara Morrison Performing Arts Center
4305 Degnan Blvd
Los Angeles, CA
**$10 cover for clean show at 7:00 PM
**$15 cover for clean show at 7:00 PM and blue show at 10:00 PM
** No item minimum purchase required