I need a smart fifth-grader

I'm holding out on buying a Smart Phone until I can get one that comes with a fifth-grader.

I heard cleanliness was next to Godliness, so I went on a cleaning spree this morning. I started with my husband's wallet.

My mom was also a clean freak. In fact, when our housekeeper came to work, she had to bring her own dust.

One time mom made us bathe the dog until he was spotless. Woofy hated that because he was a Dalmatian.

While eating at a greasy spoon diner in my neighborhood, I noticed a fly in my companion's soup. When I pointed it out to the waiter, he said, "Well, the fly thought the chicken soup would cure him of all the diseases he carries."

The way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. No siree! The way to take a man's breath away is with an uppercut to the solar plexus.

My family is always telling me I should act my age. But if life begins at 40 and I'm only 39, how am I supposed to act?

I know I'm getting older. But, the Middle Ages ain't so bad because I like wearing period costumes.

I went to a Catholic high school. I wouldn't say the campus was tough. But instead of starting the day with Morning Prayer, the nuns read us our last rites.

I remember when schools were safe. When I was in middle school, the only tough things on campus were the cafeteria entrees.

My mother-in-law said if we're going to start getting along that I need to remember the second most important thing in our relationship is communication. Number one is – well, I don't know because I wasn't listening.

My mother-in-law used to think I was crazy for believing in UFOS. But last month, she started believing in them too. She looked in my freezer and discovered all kinds of unidentified frozen objects.