This and that

If you think God moves in strange ways, you should see me in spin class.

 

Gas prices are so high that rival gang members have to car pool to their drive-by shootings.

 

My husband wants to retire, but our bank account balance will only allow him to retread.

 

Does the commandment thou shalt not kill apply to cockroaches?

 

I just got a puppy. I think he's dyslexic. He's not house-broken, but he's broken the house.

 

Patriots are always encouraging us to take stock in America. I find that baffling because cattle rustling is illegal.

 

If Vanna White decided to become a country singer, I think she'd have a big hit if she recorded that song with the chorus that goes, "E-I-E-I-O" – all vowels.

 

I went to the doctor last week, and he told me to change my diet. So, instead of country-fried steak, I'm now eating suburban-fried steak.

 

You know you're losing your hour-glass figure when your figure starts taking up 12 hours.

 

I'm starting to get into Feng Shui. I like it because it focuses on getting rid of clutter in your life. All this time, I thought that was called sending my mother-in-law home.

 

When my friend asked her son what he did wrong, he said, "I hid in the closet instead of under the bed after I hit my sister."

 

I used to work for an environmental agency in charge of cleaning up pollutants. I remember the union presented a great plan to get rid of slime, but management refused to be fired.

 

When the Hollywood starlet was voted worst dressed of the year, the team of judges said, "The eyes have it, but we wish they didn't."