What kind of music does the Lap Band play?

After reading the news this week, I wondered what type of people would view the "Do Unto Others" rule as an excuse to cheat, insult and hurt other people. Then I realized those people are called members of Congress.

NASA has heard from the men on Mars. But there's still no word from Venus because women there are still standing in line for the restroom.

NASA scientists have discovered that the snake plant absorbs nitrogen oxide and formaldehyde to purify air in your home. It makes total sense to me to beautify my environment and breathe easier with a snake plant, considering I once shared living space with a human snake.

Ex-porn star Jenna Jameson is endorsing Mitt Romney for president. I think that's appropriate. After all, they both support obscene business practices.

Quite frankly, I wasn't surprised when ex-porn star Jenna Jameson decided to endorse Mitt Romney because opposites attract. In this case, he supports outsourcing. She supports insourcing.

Ex-porn star Jenna Jameson said if people are rich they should vote to put a Republican in the White House. Well, that would mean Romney only has 1 percent of the vote, which – if you do the math – is enough to buy the office.

I was told I should consider The Lap Band. But, I'm not sure I like their music.

Someone asked me if I ever wrote any hot checks. I said, "No, but I used to write to a couple of hunks in Alaska."

I was told I need to take stock in America. But, cattle rustling is illegal.

I lost 77 pounds working with a spiritual healer with psychic powers. I knew he had psychic powers when he said he saw me coming from 20 feet away – all 256 pounds of me, wearing a bright red dress.

SEE ME LIVE

SATURDAY, AUGUST 11 – 9 pm
Comedy Etc Variety Show
Tribal Café Beverly
3253 Beverly Blvd
Los Angeles, CA (near Silver Lake neighborhood)
* No admission – but you should buy some healthy food
http://www.tribalcomedy.blogspot.com

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 3 – 7:30 pm
Comics on the Spot
The Warehouse
4499 Admiralty Way
Marina del Rey, CA
* $10 or two for one
** No item purchase required – but the seafood is good here