People involved in Human Resources are not always human. If they were, they would easily fall into the serial killer category. Yeppers, they kill hopes. They kill dreams. They kill careers.
In today's United States job market Human Resources (HR) employees are often ruthless. Because the seekers outnumber open positions, HR teams go overboard with fair. I just wish their fair included a Ferris Wheel, carnival games and cotton candy.
I'm among the fortunate ones. As a freelance writer, I usually get to bypass the heartless and go straight to people needing my professional skills. However, that has not always been the case. Six years ago, I personally began to feel signs of a sluggish economy while working with a county government in the Pacific Northwest. My job included a brief stint as support staff to the HR director.
It was there I learned HR experts believe people are so special they need to be issued personal identification numbers. Yep, I feel special being viewed not as a person but as a number. I was known as 942886. My boss's personal ID number was 795793, which I thought was appropriate because she was quite odd.
For the most part, my duties included screening resumes for potential employees. My boss wanted me to pick Nine out of Ten. This was tough because Ten typed better.
But the boss explained her reasoning. "If I ever get sued, I can tell the judge I didn't promote or terminate the wrong employee. Nine made a typo."
One assignment I hated involved drafting lay-off letters to almost 20 percent of the staff. While I'm a professional writer, that was tough knowing I got paid to ruin their day. But I wasn't there to make their day. I wasn't Clint Eastwood. I was there to empty the chairs Clint likes to interview.
Little did I know Clint Eastwood would soon have the opportunity to interrogate my empty chair. Indeed, my job became the lettuce on the chopping block. When I first read the layoff letter I typed and mailed to myself, I initially thought I made a typo.
How could this be possible? I worked for the number crunchers. They lay off other people. They don't crunch themselves.
However, it was true. My job was being phased out. But I was at the wrong place at the right time. Recruitment was underway for an unfilled position in another division within our department. I was encouraged to apply for an internal lateral transfer
I arrived five minutes early for the interview because HR personnel encourage applicants to do that. However, the three members of the three-member interview panel arrived five minutes late.
"We scheduled an hour for this interview, and since we're starting late, I need to urge you to be concise," 795793 said. "We have 15 questions to ask, and we want to give you every opportunity to make good use of the time we have left. It will help us evaluate your time management skills."
The panelists then wasted five minutes deciding who would get to ask which question. Number 795793 took the lead as that was her job. "I highlighted my five questions, so you can't ask number 7. Now, let's take a quick break to use the restroom. Be back in 15 minutes."
Twenty-five minutes after the scheduled time, my boss gave a five-minute presentation by introducing the other interview panelists and reviewing their credentials. I already knew them as 842443 and 894002.
"Ok, 942886, I want you to treat this seriously," 795793 stated. "The best way to do that is to pretend you're meeting us for the first time."
"OK," I said and then took a sip of bottled water.
Number 842443 moved the clock where I could see it and budget my time. "Would you like some water, 942886?"
While screwing the cap back on my bottle of H2O, I replied politely, "No, thank you."
"Well, 942886, would you mind if I get some?"
Another five minutes was wasted as the panelists left to get water.
As everyone finally gets settled, I'm thinking, "I hope the next 13 questions are this easy. If so, I'll ace this interview."
795793 then commenced to stumping me with question 7. "Have you or anyone you've ever known worked for this county agency in past or do you or anyone you've ever known currently work for this agency? If so, 942886, what did you do and what did they do?"
I was a tad worried at this point. It took 15 minutes to answer the last two questions, and question 7 could take a while because I knew everyone in the agency.
With 10 questions still on the list, my boss admitted she wanted to see me stressed. It might be a human resource tactic, but it was not humane. "Now, 942886, we're going to ask you a series of questions to see how fast you think under stressful situations. Is that OK?"
Wanting to be a team player, I said, "Sounds fun, start shooting them my way."
Talk about stress, only 10 minutes remain and there are still 10 questions to answer. I knew 795793's next question would require at least half that time. "Can we pause for a minute? After drinking all that water, 942886, I'd like to go to the restroom."
When we reconvened, the head panelist looked at her watch and said, "Gee, we're out of time aren't we? So in closing, can you provide us with seven professional and personal references? And could you e-mail us that information by the end of the day? To save time, 942886, just e-mail it to 942886."
NOTE: While this column is based on truth, a few facts were changed to protect the humor. My ID number was actually 942888.
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